purefancy

2012-01-26T23:51:00.002+08:00

Get up and live. Move, move on and look forward. This was your choice and decisions in life can be simple or difficult, but it is just a matter of your own choice. Be happy, and be confident of what you do. Anything. Give your all. Be in THE PRESENT, and embrace it. Do your best, and you must measure the best. Take it easy and take it hard. Know to be self reliant. Be strong and
Be of a good courage. Stick up to it, and remain determined in your course of action. Let go of pride, fill yourself with goodness and openness. Feelings of purity. Be happy, and enjoy. Chill, and be glad! be glad in every course of action! Gahhhh! Human interaction! Too much and too little. Scary. Extremes. Madness. Sanity. Hmmmmm grass. Green? Not. Perspective! Woohoo.

2012-01-10T11:48:00.004+08:00

It is about giving yourself chances,
and letting the flow of life go smoothly, unadulterated as
the sand white granular pebbles.
It is about finding yourself
in the creases of white cloth of perfect judgement,
where no judgement can make you fall.
Creases VANISH,
judgement can cease.

There is nothing as simple as blowing trees caressing
pure oxygenated air in the summer breeze.
Is it the other way round?
The summer breeze often warms me when I prance down
those teeny steps, oops, I fell
as lightly as flour into the crisp air.
Flour can evaporate like winter drops of honey-like dew in the
brand new morning.
Hold my five fingered structure and clasp it with yours,
a sense of unity and light-weighted joy.
Sprint into the open emerald field where
we will immerse in shades of green and beauty.
Beauty is yours.
Beauty is yours, to keep.

It's about giving yourself chances in life, I am glad. (:

2011-12-29T22:17:00.004+08:00

My dear, what lies beneath your painful gaze?
That thought of mournful loneliness.
Cold touches of warm lust,
And painless shrieks of happiness
Coated with fine, white sugar crystals and
Insanely lighted candle wax dripping,
Dripping, dripping down my head.
No touch can consume that fixated gaze that made me
Freeze in that warm, summer night.
It was like a dream, a winter dream of warmth and
Of hope, but how can there be hope in winter?
There is only hopeful coldness.

Let go of your joy, my friend, and let go, only to replace
Your joy with ecstasy.
With merriment.
With wedding bells.

Isn't it the same thing?

My friend, you have gone insane.
You are not stable, my fair lady, my fair man,
My fair judge, my fair role model.

(:

I love insane ramblings of disheartened poetry and prose. Amusement and
Letting loose. My first love- the love of language and my second love- the love of picture art and creation,
Which was why I put so much into modeling previously. Sing, my friend, sing the long song, your year late song and your year late dream.

2011-12-28T21:02:00.004+08:00

I have always been careful to expose particles of myself in life, for I have acquired the knowledge that exposure led to vulnerability. Of course, it is perfectly fine if you don't mind getting hurt, but that is a choice. What is the reward and what is the punishment?

Raw fish can have a good taste for some people because rawness is tenderness, and tenderness has the same meaning as love. Tender as twines and fir cones and tendrils and another note, lustful young leaders. Raw and your meaningless artworks of merriment and sore affection. Dry up like wet tissues turned cold and mouldy, and wither like raw flowers of chrysanthemum. There is still hope. Sometimes I fall into your trap as well, and I have only myself to blame. Get out, be untangled, it is only by choice.

But these are other people. I can choose my own exposure. (: we can be strong.

I want my story. I wanna throw all the paint I can. I wanna have the most colorful experience. For me.

2011-12-07T21:40:00.002+08:00

I love the feeling I get after running! I FEEL EXTREMELY RECHARGED AND SO EXCITED! Honestly, the reason why I participate in this activity is because of the mental and physical benefits I would receive as a reward. Oh my goodness, I LOVE RUNNING! IT IS AMAZING. I feel extremely in control of myself, especially mentally. I especially love how I overtook another just now, as this sport definitely trains you mentally. Honestly, in the past, when I used to run so much, I did feel tired sometimes but my mental strength was so strong. However, after being in my current industry and also drinking the water, honestly, it really helps so much. Truthfully, I really do not believe it is psychological, but instead, physical as well! I CAN DO IT!!! GONNA SLEEP!

2011-12-03T16:43:00.003+08:00

Contemplation is required to be an ongoing process in life. We need to contemplate about consequences before partaking in particular actions. Being on an auto pilot mode is strictly a no-go, as this has the tendency to destroy many human beings. The scary thing is that this is a gradual process, not an immediate one. In other words, it will be a slow death. I am sure one wouldn't wish to lose their humanity and sanity in most cases yeah. Contemplate and process before you post ridiculous things on Facebook. I have little tolerance for people who do that in reality as it reflects a lot about their flawed generic makeup. It's not nice!

Anyway, opportunity cost is the cost of the next best alternative good forgone. When your opportunity cost is high, please make the best of it! Come on girl! (: I always loved this theory, I need to apply it fully!

There's a reason why I gave up my Uni slots in SMU and NUS. I never posted this online before in detail, especially in August, where it was difficult. why I did this was because I saw an opportunity in my job. Times may be slow sometimes and high at times, and sometimes actions do not mirror intentions and we end up drooping, but there's this goal. There is this desire to never cave in to leave incompleted in the task that I wanna do. There is this need I have in me that makes me wanna persevere despite facing difficulties, and sometimes my actions don't tally and results don't. We all will find ourselves. Correct actions. there is a dream, and dreams are things that keep us going. Monotony is a trap. It is like quicksand. I wanna succeed. I need to go running for that drive! (:

2011-11-19T22:59:00.000+08:00

Theme: Juxtaposition (notice the transition from less than positive to positive!)

I can be anything you want me to be.

I am a bat of many colours, even though bats are typically black unless in fake worlds, but I can sing songs of loneliness that will squeeze the creepiest juice out of the most shriveled up human being without love.

I am Cynicism, and I see nothing but pain and I pick dust out of clean cloth. I can see grey in an immaculate set of sparkling bright dishes, scrubbed once by Mommy and once by the dishwasher.

I am a song. I am a string of perfectly correlated notes that are bound up in a necklace of melody. My tune goes for ages and is often repeated by sane mankind, who often ironically become submerged in my words and drown in sorrow.

BUT, What is I am a dove? I am pure and my impeccable coat of white shines even in the gloomiest of nights. In daylight, my enchanting songs will echo throughout the cheery cities and envelop in radiant bliss. My bliss will multiply tenfold, and I will send you praise.

I am Acceptance. I receive, and I respond with loving kindness and graceful speeches, for according to the laws of wordings, there needs to be peace. Calmness is the centrality of my life, and I greet every 'misfortune', commonly misregarded by the world as castrophic, as a lesson learnt. Why is that so? Honestly, everything happens for a reason. I have understood why from what I have gone though.

I am a song. I am a string of perfectly correlated notes that are bound up in a necklace of melody. My tune goes for ages and is often repeated by sane mankind, who relish and revel in the great joy we bring. When song fills the soul, the soul is uplift.

We can see Anything the way we wish to perceive it with. Why not, choose the right glasses?

2011-11-01T21:58:00.005+08:00

We all each have a thousand stories and a million tales to tell about our individual boxed up lives, otherwise about the open entity we each possess. The importance of each story lies in the reader's hands. It can be mildly important or even extremely striking in nature. Each page can be read and interpreted in so Many ways! There are countless settings you can
Place these self-written storybooks in, and each way is so
Unique to the respective reader who consumes the book either in part or in whole. This is meant to confuse, not
To be understood. Interesting is the thought of man, for man have many thoughts. These innumberable thoughts often scare me.
Your intentions can scare me but yet can mean nothing to others. Hmm, let it be glad though! However, the intentions of these thoughts can be sadly ignored too. Human interaction is confusing sometimes and often leads to an unnecessary depth of misery. Yet, it is the existence of this misery that pleasurizes these living creatures. How interesting yet again. (: we are all single beings who attempt to glue fallen leaves together to create a green tree. How the vibrance of these dead leaves attract them. Dead leaves are meant to supply new life, and dead leaves have no duty in life. Let it be peaceful always, and happiness would reign above all things which are nothing. I wish everybody were happy and pure, but I know it Is best if we do our best and be real yeah. (:

Happiness is the best, and happiness is inside. (: it has always been, and will always be. Haha, love
These random rantings for they are so beautiful crafted. Stories.

You know, sometimes I want to know every story. Some people draw me to them
And I wanna read them. I tend to analyst a lot and then sometimes I don't for it is too bad. Analysis is meant for being sharp. A lot of times I choose not to do that, but it becomes a habit to not read things. Rmb to read at appropriate timings, and the most important thing is to be happy. Rmb to understand from different shoes. I have never worn yellow or maroon shoes in my life so I will never understand, but I can emphasize. I miss literature! yet I hate it for it makes me analyze too much! Double edged swords huh. Haha, okay I just wanna be normal and sleep, good night!

2011-10-12T18:14:00.001+08:00

Dad Spending his birthday and anniversary with me at hospitals. Thanks dad!
I don't feel as well but I will be fine. We can do this! Haha looking forward to dinner. I am so awfully hungry.

2011-10-08T23:48:00.002+08:00

It is amazing how things always change. Yes, mentality definitely has been built and can be built over time, but at the Same time, it is still a matter of applying that. Matter of application alone is determined by choice! It's amazing to know that you have amazing support around you. Got 2 consecutively for three days, and then none for two days but got 4 today. Didn't even think of that, but it was my peers who reminded me of the correct skills to apply, and to be calm. (: feels amazing. Thanks!

On a light mode, the movie The Assassination of an American President has great values that highlight the importance of upholding justice. The juxtaposition of blinded biasedness and uncorrupt justice completely Highlights human imperfection. Blah. Haha. I am now in a state of peace. Love the underlying values of it.

2011-09-27T00:05:00.011+08:00

Someone taught me that it is not good to block away emotions.
It really felt alright to feel pain, and then feel happy again a few days later.

One thing I have learnt throughout the short span of years I have lived, is that everything happens for a reason. As I am a Christian, I believe it is God's plan. Of course, many others also believe that things happen for a reason, whether or not it is related to my own belief. Definitely, it does.

I know and I remember the reason why I blocked away emotions, because I was harmed terribly and I wanted to protect myself. Harmed not in that icky relationship way, neither was it some friend thing if you may ask. I was so terribly destroyed and the happy girl was torn. I cannot describe how it broke me, but I have the confidence to say now that I am happy. Forgiveness is one thing that was the main theme in my life before it happened, and that event took away probably eight months of happiness subconsciously. It was so painful. Forgiveness at that time was momentary and it was so hard, but we must know to put ourselves in the shoes of the perpetrator and forgive. I have always been abiding by this theme in my life, for forgiving others made me happier. I love the feeling I get when there is no heavy weight of anger that makes my heart literally feel very heavy, and I love that lightweight feather thing that pounds very slightly every second when there is no hatred, but only love for humanity. I know that many people find it not easy to forgive, but the only reason why I wish to forgive is because I wanna be happy. It is this simple, and it makes me genuinely happy when others are happy. Just make myself safe, and no one will have the opportunity to harm you. Do not put yourself in compromising situations and you will be happy.

I am going to allow myself to feel.
It is alright to feel. (:
I know my choice of words may seem like I still wanna block off, like "allowing myself to" do things, but we all need time. I feel like composing flighty words again.
My little childlike and bouncy feather-like lyrics which dazzle in sunlight.

And our happy memories will conjoin with the cheery present, and together, they will compose wonderful songs of hope.

And Hope, it is a very important thing.

2011-09-20T07:57:00.002+08:00

I was wrong to have felt up and down previously. Always trust in the Lord and He give you strength. Now past compositions mean nothing. Psalm 27 (KJV) (:

2011-09-19T21:50:00.005+08:00

Throw yourself in midair and scream in joy,
For little quails, like joyous balloons, have surrounded us both.
Celebrations and decorations of crepe paper and warmth,
Of short-lived gratitude that marks the end of dawn.

I woke up, remembering this sight.

Baby, do you remember us prancing past the grey concrete walls that very first night?
When it meant nothing at all, and we were just two plain characters that came together,
To craft a crazy story of pretentiousness.

When it means something, it becomes so painful because reality kicks in,
But how can reality realize itself if the foundation was flawed?

And then I forget, and dark blue inks spills all over my storybook.
There is no such story. What lies have you spun with your lips, dearest.
You will never be anyone's dear if they know the wrongs you have done.
The lies you have written and the truth be declared,
On stones and tablets and on monuments that go down in history.
How melodramatic.
After all, it is just a dream, my friend.

But Friend, we go through a lot, and you are just like me.
There's too much pain and uncertainty.
When I let loose, you turn away,
When previously I did not, your grip was firm.
And I am like a half-torn rope that can go both sides,
depending on our grips.

For friend, you have no idea how my mind works.

-------------------

Such a scary story.
Smiling, laughing, meaningless hugs and blessings. You can struggle to feel sometimes and that is a very unhealthy thing. You need some feelings. Only correct ones.
And also there's Lexy, Lexy oh Lexy. My dear fairy friend. You see, that wasn't the end of the patchwork world. It was just the beginning.

And there is another story, as I am still young and exploration is one great subject. Yet, I wish to sleep now. Goodnight (:

2011-09-17T16:17:00.002+08:00

If there is just one thing that I could present across to you, that would be the statement that "conformity does not equate to
Intelligence".

When I was young, I recall an episode where the teacher asked us all to raise our hands, to gather who would pick "love" or "bread". Surprisingly, everyone chose "bread", when te answer could have been none at all or even both. There is also one thing that I have learnt, that is if one is presented with only two choices, it does not mean that you have to conform. I choose none. Instead, I have chosen freedom of choice, but ironically it traps me at times. Rebelling is one characteristic that I realize predominates me, but that also kills
Many of us. Do unconventional acts make you happy sometimes? Perhaps. Many times, it is short-lived and there is no sense. At certain occasions, I just forget.

I wanna go up to the hills And be happy forever (: I love nature.

2011-09-13T20:25:00.005+08:00

How do you intensify an emotion? The simple thing to do is to paint it deeper with a brush. When you wish to make it real amplified, you take that colour and multiply it a thousand times by strength and With precision. The thing is, over time, these paints Do fade due to the wearing out caused by time.

But that's not what I wanna talk about now. This was something that I have written this afternoon during contemplation.

It is not good to be a wall.

Lena sat in the middle of concrete and plastered earth orange brick walls. Four walls. She was a little girl
With impeccable dress sense as her mother had taught her how to dress like a king when she was young. Hence, she could adopt the role of any immortal-like being, for a king was everything. Lena was so tired. She wanted to sleep. She just said whatever she wanted to and there was no link, just like this story she left behind, same like Jane. They were all very sad creatures who had no happiness at all. They sometimes had emotions like cheeriness, just like me, but these emotions were short-lived and they couldn't last very long as Lena lived inside a DAMN brick wall. Lena was very sad and she wanted to sleep forever like the silly Sleeping Beauty in those stories she hated, but it didn't make sense because she was taught to dress like a king. Due to her upbringing, she must be expected to not ridicule those ludicrous tales. Lena is so tired now. She was taught not to use the hammer to knock down those walls as her mum reminded her of how she was cruelly attacked when she was young and climbed out of the walls. Four walls surround her now, and I saw the happiness cloud floating by, for I am Lena. It rained and I was happy, because I felt the emotions from these clouds. Yet, soon they left me as water evaporates and so does gladness and joy. Lena was devastated, and so was I, for we were one. "Lena, Lena, where are you?" the cloud screamed in vain but it is a known fact that clouds have no voice, and hence cannot speak. I want my happiness cloud, please don't go away. But that's only now, tomorrow I won't want it anymore as the four walls protect us and clouds can drift away. Better to be happy, and you will be yeah. It's a natter of choice. (:

2011-08-28T22:30:00.006+08:00

Imagine if Lexy was a patchwork of strikingly colourful cloth with the brightest arrays of colours in the universe, everyone would turn to him whenever they needed any help and cut a little bit of cloth, and Lexy would become bit by bit, just a scrap of indistinguishable cloth. Lexy was very artistic and Lexy is not me, but a fairy that I have known. Lexy appeared to be bipolar, but I know that he was just a result of all that he had gone through. Everyone turned to Lexy for help

Because he was the patchwork of the universe, and he was an accumulation of past experiences. Lexy loaned me a bit of his cloth to wipe my tears when I was sad, but Lexy never gave me an any bit of cloth for the longest time. He would teach me and loan me different Colours of his patchwork, which symbolized the different parts of his experience. Each colour encapsulated the meanings of life and how to deal with people, but he never gave it to me because I never understood him and he never really understood me. Being the head of the patchwork world, he had to sew up new pieces of cloth to his bedsheet body, and he grew so big that he thought he could do anything. Yet, these pieces of cloth fell off so easily because Lexy used bad strings. He would employ the secondhand strings of dead silkworms and they could be so deceivingly beautiful, for silkworms were known for the stunning cloth they could create, only when used correctly. Lexy, Mr Patchwork, was the epitome of perfection. Lexy was Mr and Ms Patchwork, for he could be anything and he was anything he wanted to be. He could even be an it. Lexy, with his perfect patchwork and of incredulity, always took his pieces of cloth for granted. Sometimes when people who needed help tried to cut his cloth away, he forgot to use better quality string. There was this type of string named steeling, and it was so strong that no one could spoil any form of patchwork if that string was used. Lexy always forgot to purchase this string because he already had the secondhand silkworms, but the silkworms were so overused. The new little bits of patchworks often fell away because the Ghosts of the silkworms would bite and gnaw on the sewings. The old patchworks were most demanded for, and many people tried to pull them away, but they didn't budge much when aliens attacked because they loved Lexy and the patchwork world when they had first joined his community of cloth to avoid the aliens. You see, cloth can create warmth, and little bits of cloth alone can do nothing, but when sewn together and constructed into a community, these little cloth could do wonders. Sometimes, these cloth that made up Lexy were a good blanket that engulfed me. They covered us up and kept me so warm, but then I ran out of the cloth for no one knows nor dares explore what will happen after I totally get surrounded by the cloth. Lexy used the cloth to cover his deeds, and used the cloth for warmth. Angel then took a pair of scissors and cut bits of the beautiful patchwork and some old pieces and many new pieces fell away. Angel was neutral, and Angel was no angel at all. She just happened to have a positive name.

Patchworks can create warmth, yet patchworks highlight mere imperfection of little bits and cover ups. One day, there was a thunderstorm and it struck a humongous hole in Lexy's body. The ghosts of silkworms further gnawed on him and Lexy's remaining patchworks were half hanging. They wanted to hang on but they were falling, further and further. "Steelings! We need Steelings!" they chanted, but this was just a lie because patchwork cannot speak. How then can patchworks be happy? When Steelings are used, but how does Lexy know?

I wanna create my own book. (:

This is something Lexy has to learn.

2011-08-27T19:31:00.002+08:00

I noticed something as I looked at the "x minutes ago" sign on Facebook when I refreshed the page- that actually, time flies away so fast. I then also remembered how I was always so uptight about time in the past. I used to treasure every single standing moment, and even studied while queuing up for food. I would never, honestly, queue for more than five seconds. I would get annoyed because they were wasting my time and If there was a queue, I would disappear first. Then, why are standards different now? Time is really so precious and eight months have slipped past just like that. I let unimportant things take up my time even when I did not enjoy it. Perhaps the first few months had more of a conscious alert mind where I took notice of how my time was spent, but then I grew complacent. The root of the problem is a lack of discipline and the solution itself is discipline. I remember how I used to run every night because of discipline and how I never ate fried food because of discipline. Then, when I started to allow myself to miss a running session and allow some unclean food to touch my lips, the art of discipline broke away from me. We cannot allow standards to fall below what they are. We must always remember where our success stemmed from. That is the reason why I have not utilized my time to the fullest.

On another note, I love stories and I simply adore writing. I have reiterated it a million times. I can never describe how much I love writing. I would love to talk to no one at all and just sit somewhere all day, because I dislike negative noise. I love to compose lyrical pieces of dancing words that fly around and are swift to complement fanciful ideas. I love to be so flightful (haha my own word) sometimes, but at times I am extreme and I become so serious. I like to think that writers are queer and oddballs sometimes, and the word "oddball" makes me laugh. It paints a picture of peculiarity and fullness of it, just like an oversized globe that utterly expands and invades every personal space of yours. In short, oddness can kill you but yet, it can satisfy your hunger. Human beings are so strange sometimes. They can die of oddness, and yet they can bloom when they are different. They can employ and ride on the wave of creativity when they are "Oddballs", yet on the other hand, sometimes, they end up drowning and losing their lives because they forgot how to swim. They forgot that just like everyone else, they could learn to swim and conquer the huge waves of excitement and anger, and that they are just like anybody else. How strange.

There once was a girl named Jane, and she was a very common girl. Her name was Jane and it was a common name, and because of her commonness, she grew very sad. Jane was never happy because Jane was just a girl, and as a girl, all she did was to sew little names on the hankerchiefs of the well-groomed males in her era. All she did everyday was to entertain pleadings of hunger and chants for the need of attendance to these deprived fellows. Jane was never happy, because she was made to conform to societal norms.

However, one day, Jane decided that she was no longer to be bound by these norms. She did so many things and she was so tired that she told me not to say it, but I want to tell you that Jane did the most radical things. She went crazy and she did all the things you would not have imagined, but still, she wasn't happy. She then realized that everything was just vanity. It is best to just be happy.

I am tired of writing. I especially love the annoying repetition of the name "Jane". The intention is to make it childlike, and to be honest with you, merely to simplify whatever we all go through. Honestly, everything in life is so simple to understand. Can everyone just chill and be happy?I have heard of so many less than cheery events. Let us all just change our perspective to a happy one yeah. Learn to distance yourself sometimes, in difficult situations, and it really helps. (:

2011-08-13T21:05:00.002+08:00

Imagine if every person who entered into your life and left took a scrap of your meat away, you'd be just a pile of bones. Yet imagine if every person who entered your life and left Added flesh to your meat, you'd be full and fleshy. The truth is, the way I perceive things can change in a split second and reverse itself again. Too much is at stake, yet at stake is nothing if you are in control. What then can be done? I wanna give it a shot maybe, but I know what I else I have wanted all
Along. Also, I know what is at stake. Pain is scary! We all know many things in our lives, and have known Many things as well. What I wanna do
Just right now is to sleep and rest. (: one thing I love very much about my
Bed is that it gives me a sense of security and familiarity, and my charcoal pillow givesr
Warmth. What we need are familiar things, but what if we are faced with intrusion? How do
We react? I wanna be happy in different ways, but sometimes happy is just being
Content. Sometimes we block
Things off, but all we gotta do is let it down. (; it really depends on the circumstance. Remember that after all, a partially permeable wall is the best. (: I love writing so much. I miss my literature writings.

2011-08-03T20:43:00.004+08:00

I basically love the art of composition. It keeps me sane and makes me feel alive whenever my spirits are down. Many times, we tend to forget that we were once good. We tend to not remember the fact that we were once that amazing and indescribable. Yet, strangely, it can be another way, where we tend to remember too much about past glories. It is all about the Perspective you choose to take. Your words can become meaningless words once you lose your value, and yet they could mean so much to you. Status means a lot to me, and that is by motivation. I found out through simple tests. Really true. Fight for your motivation, and feed yourself with only good fuel. I know it's tough and certain journeys may seem impossibly rocky, but do you know that rocks are actually great foundations? Perspective. (: good night.

2011-07-07T21:51:00.003+08:00

The types of words you employ reveal a lot about your true personality. Is it not much better to be happier? There are so many things we all want, and so many things we desire for. What I really yearn for most is peace of mind.

Little things reveal A LOT about a person's true character. I have seen many little things, speculated but not judged, and it came through. It is true. Time does unravel many mysteries. People grow old, Time passes, and Memories fade away. Time heals Wounds, and wounds heal to form scars. Some lightening creams work better than others, and certain surgeries disfigure these wounds and completely reverse the damage. Time heals wounds, and time blurs hatred. What elements go through?

On another note, this not recent incident will always make me happy. There is a good reason for holding back, and rationality is most important. Protect. Imagined stories would make you happy, but when it happens will this happiness last?

I have been so afraid of happiness, because it slips away so easily. Haha, I love this phrase I saw in that book. Yet, it is because of this that I yearn for it so much. Indifference huh, haha.

2011-07-01T00:11:00.004+08:00

The thing is, if you do not desire for anything material in life, what can really drive You?
Too many beings are being consumed by Worldly Lusts, Yet too many beings are being drenched in plain disgust for such vain things. Who then can truly be the one who succeeds. I have yearned for so many things yet nothing at all. There is nothing that can demand that great a desire. Yet, when that desire does surface, I suppress it with all might. I do not let anything overcome me, and I do not let this desire appear. For the fact is, when it is in fact allowed, you are so damn vulnerable. You become as weak as a barrel filled with a thousand holes and a barrel so hit by last night's storm. The storm of yesterdays. People come and go, like the leaves of yesterday. I remember this book I once read, all about sadness and its plain melancholy makes you so comfortable. Yet, what is true comfort? Can one relish in this joy forever? I love writing so much and being in my own world of pure composition, but then, what is composition after all? It is a mere creation. It is in fact created. It is not real. What then can be real?

It is all in your mind. It is created and COMPOSED IN YOUR MIND. You control it.
I once created a story of great sadness, and I once composed a story of great happiness. Who can be happy and sad forever? Yet, can one be sad and happy at the same time?
Life is a stage, and this damn stage is what YOU make of it. I can do many things, and yet I can do nothing at all. Why is it that at times, I would love for this stage to be amazing? I just wish to be happy like most people. I truly love just sitting there and running too fast until I cannot breathe and run across the vast fields. I LOVE NATURE, and yet ironically I love the most beautiful buildings. But yet sometimes I hate them so much. I abhor these buildings so much because it takes the life away from me. I would feel so unclean. I cannot take that. I feel so polluted and blemished when we are in fact supposed to be pure. What is pure? The question is, we can never really know anyone at all. We are all such scary creatures, but queer humans always interest us. They make us so damn curious that we all go insane in search for the true answer. The true answer will never be known, honestly. Go on, this is the question.

I can feel so much, really, and yet the next moment I can feel nothing at all. You know, I used to love reading my posts to myself, but now I don't dare to because I know the pain that I will feel. Haha. It is so scary. I know the messages embedded in each of the posts in the stories I compose. Let us all be safe yeah. No one can harm us.

2011-06-28T00:41:00.002+08:00

I was looking through my old modeling pictures and I realized that I do still love it a lot. The thing is, sometimes, by glancing through things you once loved, you would develop a sense of familiarity and comfort from it. The truth is, do you really want it? Actually I do. I recall when I first started in my current job, I knew the opportunity cost I had, and hence I went all out for my job and made sure I highrolled Every Single Day. It is so true. And now, I have chosen to put aside studying, and I must make this work. Come on, YiLing! (:

2011-06-12T20:07:00.005+08:00

It is so strange, because I am so different now. I still enjoying writing, and I LOVE composing articles as well as creating stories. However, the things that I enjoy may very well be different. The things that I used to be afraid of have no effect on me anymore, but yet the things that I used to love, I am afraid of it. Happiness is like the wind, so easily blown away. Yet, the wind is again controlled by other elements and the wall blocks the wind. When the wind comes, we shall all be washed away. What if the wind blows us in another direction? That signals new hope.

It has been long since Jaime walked past those forlorn trees that swayed crookedly in the light breeze. Strange, how she was so afraid. Before that incident happened to her, she was never this sad. I must do this, I can overcome. She thought to herself. Each brave step she took seemed like a deep pound on her weak heart. Its rapid palpitations made her feel like she was going to die. The light rustling of the leaves. She remembered that night. That wicked face which tore her of all her protection and stripped her of all dignity. Shreds of light, chiffon whiteness that got stained with evil intentions. She remembered herself screaming, but no voice came out. Why, why me. Why am I subject to such pain. It was her favourite dress, and that wicked stranger tore it off so violently that she had no say. With each step she took, Jaime sobbed, and then it got worse and she screamed violently. Each rustle on each leaf were deep, CRUEL stabs on her tainted flesh. Will I ever be happy again. How can I be genuinely happy anymore.

Jaime finished the trail. It is now over, I will be safe. I will always be safe. I will always protect myself.

2011-05-26T22:56:00.006+08:00

Shards of glass piercing your face,
as you attempt to comprehend the clear message it brings.
"I don't understand anything. My classmates keep telling me, but
Teacher, can you please tell me why?"

"Yes Darling, sweetie Anabella, Teacher loves you.
When you add one plus one, you get two.
When I give you an apple and you slice it into two,
there is one for you as well as one for me.
But the thing is, Anabella, are you willing to share it with me?"

"But teacher, I don't understand.
Why do I have to give you my apple?
I don't like apples."

"Anabella, apples are the only food that I'll give you.
You take it or leave it."

"CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHY? CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME.
BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND."
Shards of glass piercing my face,
as I break down in agony.

I love lit, how ironic.
I love how we can analyze every subject and come up with such different interpretations.
Perhaps the message is clear.

2011-05-05T10:50:00.004+08:00

My friend just spoke to me about the topic of dehumanizing oneself. (Hi buddy, you know who you are. (: ) Yes, that is in fact my coping mechanism. I shouldn't let such things happen to me again. This time I did stop it, but yes, it's much better and can be much better. I really have to learn. My mind was somewhere else and not even concerned, which is really scary. That is how I cope, but many of us can avoid being in such a situation.

Actually, I did go through much self development for the past months and they have taught me so much. I need to learn so much more though. I really miss running so much. It is really terrifying as to how one can get so used to not running anymore. I have to be more than that. It applies to every aspect. You are not an object, especially a sexual one. You are human. Yes, every girl out there, know that you have your rights.

2011-04-13T21:08:00.003+08:00

It has been ages since I last posted anything on this page. In the past months, I have gotten amazing opportunities to go overseas to work, learn and experience a whole new life in Hong Kong especially. Visited Guang Zhou, Shen Zhen and KL as well! :D

If you want a great job, tell me! ((:

I have learnt a lot and I am extremely thankful for the opportunity to join Appco! :D and T.O.P Marketing! There are so many things in life that cannot be learnt elsewhere. Things such as being a good team player, placing others before yourself, things that I have never perhaps considered to be too important once. Haha, just feel like posting something here. Work is not even work, it feels like life. I really wanna succeed in this field and I know that there is a reason, a reason why I have come across this line through my personal friend. There is a purpose why God has allowed me to come to this field instead of carrying on with my original plan. Things that once mattered slowly lost their value, and when I look back, I realize that the importance and the value placed in something only matters depending on the circumstance.

Today is the day I feel that I have really understood what they have always taught me. I feel myself really understanding it.

I see myself growing so much more. I love you guys man.

Anyway, it's running time! Hahaha. Need to get back on track with running. What a pun hahaha.
You know, age does not matter, but the experiences that shape you does.

Cheers.

2011-01-09T15:39:00.010+08:00

There are so many things to be thankful for, and there are also countless things to go away from.
I know I should stay on track, (RUN, RUN, RUN!!!!) and that is definitely what I want to do. I HAVE TO. YOU WANT IT. I dare to admit that sometimes, things like boring butterflies or nicely wrapped up presents I see in the distance does draw me away. Blah, in that contemplative mood again. NONO, Haha I shall turn on the bubbly mode now. Must pray and remember that God is in control. Just to share, Philippians 4: 6-7 really helped me through a lot.

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Remember, pause. Remember to pray. Just pray. If you feel troubled now, just pray to Him. Often times, it is because we fail to pray. Bad things can happen to us but we have to move forward. Pray, and this peace will infiltrate you and fill you with this indescribable happiness.

It is a wonderful day! I shall be positive and open to new things. Yes, I know He (God) gives me gladness, but I am so afraid of earthly happiness, just like Antoinette. Not the spiritual kind, but the kind that you draw from others. I am so afraid of happiness because of the fear that I will lose it. Yet, I want happiness at times. I know that facts are facts, and it is the emotion I choose to attach to it that makes a difference. I feel that I cannot, and must never let my guard down though. Still, I can enjoy the happiness. Yet, at times I don't want it. Now, I want that though. Lit makes you crazy at times. Haha. Therefore, even when playing the part, I can put nothing. However at times, I forget and put emotions. No, emotions are only good when they are positive. Only positive, or block off. Haha, I am a switch, you know. And I have an imaginary shield. Haha, anyway, I gotta conquer greater distances later! You can do it, alright! Gotta grab a bit of sleep for a while.

I did plank/bridge for 6mins! Haha damn good you know. Not easy. Own guys again yay. I wanna join NS for a month. Too bad I can't. Putting your goals online, as said by my mentor, (I learnt it online, alright. Haha. My awesome coach that I will never know.) really motivates you. I CAN DO IT. By the way, Bicycle crunch is awesome. Learnt it from my friend. Go google it.

Really enjoy my new job. Zeal is awesome! :D Great company, great people. LOVE IT! THANKS GUYS! Really looking forward to know everyone better. This is such a unique group of people we're talking about. There's this certain kind of love everyone possesses towards each other, and that is so attractive! It attracts me to the company. (: Glad I can get to spend more time with my awesome gal pal by working with her too.

You can do it. You want it. You can do it. You do it, for you ONLY. You can do anything. Go run.

2011-01-03T21:14:00.011+08:00

Covered great distance today. Like 15K and many vaults haha damn happy. Did so by running to the Home to visit and then back. Found out about the hospitalization of one and the passing of another. On the way there, I attempted many different paths in order to find it as I have never run there before.

Realized that the exploration brought me to many different paths that never led me there and brought me instead to extremely beautiful places but DEAD ENDS. Haha, sorry for being all lit-yish again but I was in that contemplative mood and realized that indeed, certain beautiful things which captivate me may actually come to naught. And then there were the long steps up, and it led to this extremely beautiful place, but then there were fences and it was dark and then I had to turn around. Going downhill, I realized how easy it was to just tumble down all the way, and then I remembered why I had been so determined previously. It is so darn hard to climb all the way up IN LIFE, yet so darn easy to just fall all the way and it was so swift it is unimaginable.

When I got harmed that dampened my brain's chemistry, I did go down a lot. I AM BACK ON TRACK. I cannot change facts but I can change my emotions towards it. I can do it. I can do it. YES YOU CAN. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU ARE STRONG. That is why I have to train, to protect myself. I have to.

It is so beautiful at night. It is so wonderful just to jump around and smile at random strangers or laugh to yourself. Just laugh. Just enjoy the cool breeze and the imaginary silence because nothing is that silent. I wanna do the new sport really well. Keep going. Read my old posts and saw how I wished to portray myself as an extremely happy person. Hahaha. Continue running, YL. Okay, I am happy now. Yay! (: You know, I think I am really weird sometimes, like I have a split personality. I can be really serious at times and then really random and funny. Haha okay gotta go train more goodnight.

OH YES and I did PLANK/BRIDGE FOR 5MINS 30SECS last night LOL. It is not easy man. Haha sorry just gotta post it here to encourage mez more to do more. I own guys manz. This is what nightly training gives you. GO NS PALZ. I AM GOING TO DO MORE. Haha I shall google it like yeah manz. I am a boy at heart. Okay bye.

2010-12-29T21:12:00.017+08:00

There are always so many things I gather after running, and I just wish to rush back to pen it all down to share it with whoever out there in the cyberworld, just to relieve that aching feeling and that indescribable emotion. Usually, pain. I didn't wish to post for a long time because the bad thing was too close, too close for comfort. Nothing romantic, by the way, for that is the general notion people have when you say such stuff, which is kinda amusing. Then, emotions go away, after deliberation, and then there is just pleasantness. That is alright though. Emotions are merely part of an everyday thing, but then I have grown so wary of it. There must be a reason why I chose that path again.

But no, you just have to be happy. Always remember that happiness comes from within. There was doubt and the possibility of acting taking place when you view certain individuals, but that does not matter if it does not matter to you. What is distancing. I saw myself as another and carrying out those meaningless things and I remembered why people choose the magnet mindset, where they easily repel and turn away. It was the safest route. And then after certain prompting and tempting and then they turn away, and they fall.

However, they go back when they do realize that the very place they left kept them secure and unharmed. They do not stay put because they turned away from the very safe haven that kept them alive and warm. "The Forbidden City lies ransacked now and the topless towers are all gone." "She had a heart of stone. Who will cast the first stone?" I always found this phrase by Jeanette really interesting. Stone. It gives me that image of an unchanging, emotionless being, that remains constant and secure. Moreover, the stone endures and has great strength despite being put through countless tests. Plain and cliche I guess it is, for I have heard this damned phrase countless times, but, if we WERE to just consider it in another perspective, say just by viewing the other attributes a stone has, we are able to view things in a different light. I guess these experiences merely reflect how people adopt new ways of dealing with things. Sorry, I like contemplating on seemingly mundane things. Lol.

And then after composing this chunk I wish to remove every trace of it, so I just edited everything and added resolutions to every single sentence, for after its creation I become happy again. Looking at this, I call this a defense mechanism. Haha, why not? I just ran so fast that I could not breathe and till I felt like I was flying off the ground and any second I would just fall flat and hit my face but haha no, never. That will NEVER happen. (: I WILL JUST RUN AND FLY AND I WILL GO SO FAST just like those speeding cars and I will lift my feet off the ground and truly be liberated.

Happiness truly comes from within. (: Only, within.

I can't wait to be able to clear all those crazy bars and buildings! Ah, I must build my foundation. I can do it man.

2010-11-21T07:34:00.006+08:00

GOOD MORNING WORLD! It is seven plus in the morning on a Sunday. Haha I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY haha it's quite funny, so happy that I wanna wake up and post this. Hahaha I CONQUERED THE DISTANCE FROM MY PLACE TO AJ AND BACK LAST NIGHT. :D ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. YOU CAN DO IT! Heh. :D I shall now proceed to engage google map to find out the total length. I estimate it to be 9km. Okay fine, this may seem like nothing to marathon runners, and may seem like a lot to regular people, but it is all about perspective. To me, it is about achieving your goal and always going on no matter what. :D I am really happy because this is the longest distance that I have ever gone before. I haven't taken part in any marathon or highly publicized races. I shall do so in the future. (: Remember to believe in yourself and think only of the positive!
When I ran, I thought about how nice the air was and how I can run faster when I tell myself that. It really works. Place your focus on how you're enjoying it instead. It comes to a point where the very sound of your breath actually spurs you on to run faster and lighter. I FELT LIKE I WAS FLYING. Have you ever experienced that marvelous state where you felt as light and fluffy as a single feather? Oh, it feels so good! HAHA! Do attempt it! Remember, only feed yourself with positive thoughts. Your brain will secret positive chemicals only when you do that, and it is then where your body is able to carry out planned activities the best way.

YOU CAN DO IT, FUTURE NS DUDES Hahaha.

Haha, okay I went to use the map to calculate the distance. I was right! It is almost 9km. (: Well, to many people who run 10 kilometres everyday, it is merely a routine. For me, my usual is less though so I am really happy. :D Hahaha! Two more papers! You can do it!

Wow I just read my post. I do seem like an awfully happy person. Haha.
Okay, I wanted to say poem time but I need to bathe and get ready for Church now. Goodbye! (:

2010-11-11T22:15:00.005+08:00

PART ONE IS OVER! :D I am extremely glad. Well, I shall now proceed to bore you with my mundane, or perhaps rather exciting life (to me at least). Haha, History has seriously been amazing. I would grow really fond of it and then hate it for being so darn challenging at times. After a while though, or in this case, a long while, (i.e. 2 years) I finally love it. And then it is over. Like, poof, with that hand action I like to do. Southeast Asian History and International History, my poor little smudged and severely abused notes have now lost their value in helping me in advancing in this education highway. Lol, what else do you call it.

YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN DO IT!

Well, anyway. We shall all enjoy this process of learning so we will do the best in our mission to attain the best results. Remember to enjoy it!
I will still miss my class ever so dearly. :D Hello, classmates! I recall the first time, when I saw the class at the Basketball Court last year. I was thinking, "What a bunch of weirdos.", because everyone was simply so different! And then there was all this drama. Was speaking to Rachel after dinner and yes, indeed, our class is so beautiful simply because of our diversity. I have NEVER met such a wide range of interesting people in my life, and I highly doubt I ever will again, at least not in another setting like this. Outspoken, artistic, quirky individuals, each with their own set of contrasting values, yet all with one common trait, which is care. Ahhh. :D
37/09 :D

2010-11-01T19:21:00.011+08:00

There is a motive behind every action, and that very motive is the key thing that spurs us to commit a certain action. Now, whether or not that motive has a good or bad agenda attached to it is what determines the outcome and response.

Let us say, what is my motive for running? An expected response from a person who is attempting to look good in front of others would say the benefits of losing weight. A health-conscious person would very well declare her motive as being healthy and because she loves the idea of being fit. Now, which one of them would generate a better outcome? Definitely, I would say the one with the "better" motive. The explanation would be that with a "better" motive or in this case, a propelling force in mind, the person would have more incentive to carry out the action that would generate an expected outcome.

NOT ALL motives would drive you on long enough for you to endure this imaginary path you are traversing. Do you have the right motive? Do you have the best motive?

What about other things, such as murder or rape. What is your motive behind that? I have this thing about me, where I would at times, whenever I am alone on the bus, look out there and pretend I am that young kid at the stop waiting for the bus. I would imagine myself to be young and just this wallpaper thing. And then at times I would, when I read about certain murders, place myself in the victims' shoes or the criminals' shoes. I used to imagine myself being tortured like the victim and I would cry for the victim. That was last time. Yeah, I am weird. Anyway, I can but only imagine and recreate that scenario in my mind. Is that really the thing that took place?

Every single human being has a different way or interpreting the SAME HISTORICAL event. No, it is not the story. I am speaking about the event. How we interpret it is our story. We all have stories. Stories. How reliable can these stories be then? They are most reliable to ourselves. I can have a story. He can have a story. We went through the same historical event but we have different stories. Shey may have been with say a friend, and we were happily laughing about lollipops, and say Shey's story would be that- Shey has found a new friend and they are getting closer. His story may be that he just had a silly day laughing about frivolous things. Well, this analogy is meant to sound a little ridiculous. I could very well have used a more solemn situation but this humour I have engaged merely belittles the value of stories.

That is why the true value of stories do not matter unless reciprocated. Do not magnify the value of stories (memories) unless you are sure it is worth the time at all. Take the safe route.
Of course, my post is about motives. My motive is to brainwash you, of course and to declare my view about the lack of value of "stories". Now, if a person were to psychoanalyze my post, I dare predict that the person would judge me as one who is attempting convincing herself to not care so as to protect herself. Also, what are the other motives? ;) Then again, there is irony because I just mentioned that stories are different in the eyes of everyone. The person may view it this way and it is correct in her eyes but how about mine? Therefore, our stories are as mentioned only most reliable to ourselves and hence worthless. Lol. This is so interesting. Hahaha.

2010-10-22T19:10:00.004+08:00

"Tunnel Boring Machine"

Imagine the Tunnel Boring Machine driving a hole into the insignificant ground
that we all stand on and live on and do our daily things
and never care about
And then one day, suddenly -
from underneath,
It emerges.
For all the harm we have done to this harmless world,
For all the misuse, abuse, torture, brutal bludgeoning of all things fine,
It stands tall and booms at you, every single one of you
And screams and booms and falls straight on every single flat one-dimensional creature.
The Tunnel Boring Machine speaks.

2010-10-19T17:12:00.029+08:00

Hello. I am an Arts student, but I am not gonna use flowery language here. Yes, indeed posts are meant to be written during times of less-than-happy moments and contemplation. (I am writing this so as to finalize thoughts and to feel better about it.)
Hi, my friend who used to like me (not a classmate) not too long ago, this is for you. (Yeah, actually I wanna make you feel bad and read this, haha and I hope that you learn that betrayal is not a good thing! This post is about forgiveness and moving on. (: And yes, you will probably only visit my blog and read this if you still feel bad, otherwise you won't. I want you to read it, that is the point of this composition. Yes, I have dedicated a post to you, be shocked! Lol.) This is not a new issue (not old either), just that I have forgotten about it for probably a couple of months. The internet is a great source to confirm suspicions (I WAS RIGHT about you guys! Haha sorry can't help it.) actually, and when you are able to be happy for the one who has betrayed you, it is truly then that you have forgiven the person. It is during periods like this that you learn to place less faith and emotion in human beings romantically, that being a good thing. This is because you learn that romantic love should not be priority in life. I feel that my priority really is my career and family, which good academics would ensure. Of course, there was never really any real relationship, except I like typing this out, to finalize things and to feel good about myself (Author's intention.)

Of course, I do not deny the initial anger, and great disappointment, (and all that comes with that) especially during the moments where real emotions were invested, and when I see the person involved. That is also why I recalled the not too long ago incident, which is after seeing the individual. Then, I placed myself in the person's shoes. Hormones explained it. I of course know the ficklemindedness of humans. I do know attraction to new individuals is normal ("People forget, get bored, grow old, go away." -Jeanette Winterson.) indeed. I guess this is empathy. Besides, things happen because of God's will. And then I let go of the anger. And then I would recall, "what is the point?" I no longer feel any romantic feelings for the person involved. Besides, what is this romanticized notion of love meant for? I admit that pride caused me to be angry, but then I realized there was really no point. The anger was because of the pride. I would only be an angry person and be upset. Yes, and the anger was for the unexplained end to communication. This went through my mind today. Hence, forgive and let go. That is the best way. I hope you will be happy, and yes, please respect me as a friend. (:

You know something, I am only able to write this because this is one of those cases where I did give in much emotion but not too much. For those cases, I cannot write about it. Haha.

Then, through this, I saw the great instability of life. People have a change of heart so easily. It was literally gone the next day. This only backs my point of detachment, and sums up my argument of leading a life without marriage. I used to see the point of basing my happiness on another, but I realised that God's presence actually makes me happy enough. He gives me friends who do not add on to woes like young "love" (I think it is lust actually. Lol.) does, he carries me through all troubles. Thank you, Lord. I actually wish I did not have a cynical view about love though. I know that God created it for us, but not all of us are meant for it. I will see what he has in store for me. (:

2010-10-07T21:47:00.006+08:00

I usually do not really blog about my day and feelings, but yes. School officially ends next week, and the Farewell Assembly will be held on Friday. Probably last week, I was contemplating about many issues. I was lying in bed in the living room (moving back to my room soon), where the setting is all emo-like and stuff, and thought of how everyone I know will just become a memory. I thought about the class-clowns and the funny stuff, how everyone cracks up jokes and laughs at everything. I truly will miss every single individual in 37/09. We had our quirks, and we grew from disliking everyone and being totally unsuited to the different types of people to embracing their qualities as endearing. I was just talking to Rachel (Hello Chestnut! :D)about it just now and I really will miss them the most. I have never liked a class this much. When CCA ended, I felt as though a part of me were missing but right now, the depth of liking I have for the class is far more and perhaps incomparable. I was always about being indifferent and all in my former schools. Truly loved perhaps the last or second last Captain's Ball game we had just now! It was aggressive and fun and simply amazing. (: I guess it always happens, and it is only with departure that people start to treasure the ones around them more.

2010-09-25T11:23:00.001+08:00

5 weeks! Remain focused! I miss school. I wanna go back to school now and it's a Saturday. I just like the ambience there.

2010-09-23T08:15:00.002+08:00

My phone got stolen at the National Library yesterday. Do email me or call my house phone if there is anything important.

I have been feeling this urge to blog for a while, but there was lack of sufficient time, and the desire for composing sentences just died down. Hmm, I was contemplating this issue in my mind yesterday. It is so odd how one can not feel anything at all when you commit certain things that are meant to evoke a response. I am talking about general themes in life. How can one feel so cold? Imagine a murderer, killing his victim. He must have successfully mastered the skill of detachment.

Perhaps, humans may have developed that from past experiences. I found it odd. I questioned myself, and yes, of course, overanalysing and attempting to "understand" yourself only results in greater lack of comprehension. Lol.
Hence, we should just let things be. Let it be, let it be. (: That song comes to mind. Haha.

I need breakfast now, I am hungry.

2010-09-11T09:17:00.003+08:00

GOOD MORNING! :D Haha I am glad. IT IS A BRAND NEW DAY! Cousin asked me to run with him later. :D Yes we spoke about it this week. Can't wait to run new routes! Okay I need to touch math. Haha I keep thinking about my H1 Math papers when I do my other subjects. I just feel like touching them everyday. I am sorry my little babies. It misses me. I miss you too my sweet little papers.

2010-09-10T19:30:00.036+08:00

(Edited at 21:55- Haha, okay. It was really exciting! Hahaha I sound like some little boy. Went to the same place and went to climb onto some hill! Lol I stepped into this pit and it brushed against my leg. I ran long distance 5 nights in a row! Lol sorry I like to talk about it as usual but it seriously requires great mental strength and it trains you psychologically. ANYWAY, the lesson I wish to tell you is that if you set a goal, you can achieve it! I told myself on Monday that I was going to run Long D all 5 days instead of alternating between sprints and Long D and I DID IT. You can do it too! Hahaha. Be positive! Start caring for your body today! Anyway, I think that may be slightly too much. Perhaps I need to have breaks in between next week! :D

Yeah, the thing is, Long D without running at a fast pace is alright if you do it every night. However, if you run at a rather quick pace daily, it is not exactly great for your body. I have learnt that.

I FEEL HAPPY NOW! THE ENDORPHINES ARE BEING RELEASED LIKE THE RIVER! HAHAHHAHA LOL Okay good night!)

Went to explore the depths of IMH again last night. I wanted to run back to SK but decided against it. Haha, it is not as far as I thought it was actually! It is pretty safe at the instituition. Not many humans there at night, that is why. It is only unsafe when there are strange humans lurking around. Darkness is indeed a solvent of animosity. I said "Hello" to random strangers when I neared the entrance and was greeted with response. Haha. Running at night does indeed generate this sort of loneliness, and yet that sort of isolation is pleasing. Hmm. Hills are also an interesting challenge. As you probably have noticed, I am indeed psychoing you to start exercising today. Haha!

Yeah, I have learnt to forgive. And stay away from non-positive humans. :D Surround yourself with positive people!

Oh yes, I wish to to clarify some misconceptions! (:
RUNNING DOES MAKE YOU BURN FAT TISSUES!
Running at high speeds burn the fat tissues as it is indeed a cardio activity (one that keeps your heart rate at an elevated level), and it also loses water weight. Excessive weight loss however does result in loss of muscle as well.

Oh yes,I prefer my comfort circle untouched and uninvaded by people I have no feelings for, especially undertaken by individuals outside of school! Haha, anyway, generally, I do not like it when a person imposes his ideas on me and carries out certain actions, and this is clearly for the case where I have absolutely no romantic feelings for that individual. (: However, noting that, I have set it in words and hence it is no longer part of me. Forgive, and be happy! I am positive and truthful! Hahaha. I do admit that I was not joyful about it but I have great cousins. Haha.

Yeah, Humans do understand that physical distance is vital when a predator is lurking around, and I will ensure my security especially when I am repelled by the attempts at close distance! hahaha very humorous imagery! LOL. I LIKE HOW FUNNY IT SOUNDS. Hahaha. Language is so cool. It is 8.30 p.m.! Should be leaving the house soon.

Moreover, there are great advantages such as pleasant complexion and weight loss, apart from the ASTONISHING PYSCHOLOGICAL BENEFITS! I went to do some research, and found out that it is indeed alright to run when one has a cold! Haha, do not run if you have a flu though. Yeah, the research was only done because I have a cold now, which came as a result of the lack of available healthy food for the past week!
Evacuated from my room today for the tenant! Prelims on Mon.

Oh yes. You should have one "rest day" a week where you do not run, to allow yourself to recover. Perhaps I shall make mine Saturday, where I hardly use my legs when swimming casually with my extended family. Really look forward to those evening outings at the chalet near the beach. (: I really love swimming.

I copied and pasted this. Type "Benefits of Running" and this is top of the Google list.

"Running can also have many psychological benefits. Most significantly runners typically report being happier and feeling less stressed than their counterparts who do not run or exercise regularly. Running actually has the ability to alter an individuals moods because hormones called endorphins are released while running. These hormones create a sense of euphoria often referred to as a runner’s high and can result in an improvement in the runner’s mood. Running has also been reported to alleviate stress in most runners. There are a number of factors which may contribute to running lowering stress levels. One of the most obvious reasons is the act of running allows the individual to focus on the task at hand instead of being worried or stressed about work, family or other stressors in his daily life. Additionally, running can be very challenging on the body which can result in the individual feeling a sense of accomplishment by completing the run which shifts the focus of his attention from negative stressors to a sense of pride and accomplishment."

2010-09-09T20:37:00.004+08:00

It is Thursday today. The September holidays have been great so far, and I enjoy going back to my lovely school everyday. I will definitely miss it when I graduate in probably a month. Have been running every night, and yesterday was simply wonderful! Explored the region, and running around IMH at night is really an interesting experience! :D There is a myth, and that myth is that exercise drains you of your energy. In fact, it recharges me.
I really love running at night.

Yesterday was very interesting with my fellow Arts buddies. (:
Came back alone today and I enjoyed that sort of loneliness. It is a different kind of enjoyment.

Oh yes and one disadvantage I have is that the lack of vegetables and substituting it with a certain popular fried food does indeed make you sick. Due to the lack of food in school, I had to be content with fast food (Haha, it is nice when you eat it once in a while though.) and I had to suffer from a sore throat and horrid headache! Haha I feel better now though, after pouring my head with cold water and drinking lots of water. Water really helps, and yes, fried food/meat is not good for you! Do eat lots of vegetables! Hence, I brought raw bean sprouts and cooked it in school today.

Running is good for you. Go and exercise now and you will reap the benefits.
Mental strength will bring you ANYWHERE.

2010-09-06T20:12:00.007+08:00

(I RECOMMEND THIS TO WEARY SOULS WHO ARE HAVING PRELIMS SOON.) It is extremely effective for recharging anyone.

(I changed the link on Thursday, 9 Sep 2010 because I feel that the previous video was a bit odd and its message dubious. This relaxation one is better!)

Today was great. The intellectual conversation I had with my friend enlightened me.
On my way home, I took a deep breath and enjoyed the drenched trees which were swaying without a care in the wind, while enjoying my classical music. It was splendid. Enjoyed cheesecake and rum and raisin ice cream today. :D Going for a run at night.

2010-08-31T21:20:00.012+08:00

Everyone must be aware of the "Rape Capital" of the world, Congo, Africa. It is just not fair. 5000 women are raped annually. Half of them are brutally assaulted by armed men in front of their families in their homes, in the name of seeking "redress" for not getting paid. More than 8,000 women were raped during the fights in 2009.

Currently, the United Nations is investigating claims that rebel fighters raped more than 150 women and baby boys in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

ARMED MEN. ARMED ABLE-BODIED AND GENETICALLY STRONGER humans are deliberately exploiting defenceless women. They RAPE them in front of their families in their own homes. How would you feel if the place that you live in is suddenly INVADED BY BRUTE, INHUMANE AND INSANELY THIRSTY CREATURES WHO WILL NEVER STOP UNTIL they PENETRATE YOU REPEATEDLY IN FRONT OF YOUR HUSBAND AND CHILDREN TILL YOU ARE SO DESTROYED YOU DO NOT FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE? I really wanted to exhibit all the world's violence on these perpetrators, but I would be no different from them. Please pray for these victims. Please raise awareness.

If you have had thoughts about raping any female, please think. How would you feel is someone did that to your sister, or your mother? How about the people you care about? Do you want to go to jail? Please spare a thought for humans around you who also have FEELINGS just like you. You don't need to satisfy your animalistic instincts this way. If you were really an animal, it would be best to cage you up just like they do to beasts. Even so, beasts would be better than you.
PLEASE PRAY FOR THEM. I don't know how to help them any way else. The UN is in there but some situations are seriously so severe. The only way is to get rid of the militias. How else do we do that besides using great force? The world is cruel. I am thankful that my Homeland is safe, but the victims there are not.

If I had the money, I could fly them all out and offer them citizenship in a safer country. Can someone do that? Can a country that is rich and noble enough do that? Actually they can. If each country just takes some of the women in the most affected areas, they can indeed save them.
I do not care that you say it is impractical and costs MONEY. Seriously, MONEY? MONEY? PAPER? Actually if there existed no form of money and we totally eliminate it from the world we'd be able to save so many people, but then people would think about self interests not being fulfilled and no one would be saved.
AHHHHHHHHHH can they all wear chasity belts? Would that help?

I am sorry I am going nuts already.

I want to voice out more radical views but I cannot.

You stupid boy. After all that emotional investment you took that has not yet led to a real start and then I see you socializing with some newfound creature. Yes, that is jealousy. More reason to unplug yourself. (:

2010-08-30T21:09:00.004+08:00

The run at the school track until around 7 was great. The entire place was freed from noise, just like the holidays where I was able to enjoy the almost empty chalet. (: The ambience in my school does resemble that of a chalet's during the holidays. Great way to have a break too! If you want a running partner, feel free to call me hahaha. I like to wait until everyone is gone and then I start sprinting. Haha but it is more fun when there are humans around though. It spurs me to me more competitive sometimes.

Haha, Yeah I am obsessed. I like to speak about running all the time.

HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY TO ALL MY BELOVED TEACHERS! :D
I will not be going back to my secondary school, but I miss them all the same.
Likewise to my teachers in my primary school.
I feel so productive today. I am glad. :D

2010-08-28T22:35:00.004+08:00

Swimming was great. I do what I call "sprint-swimming" where I do speed swimming for 1 lap, stop and continue. (: I "sprint-swim" with my head above the water all the way. That thrill is exhilarating and it optimizes the amount of energy used in minimal time. Great way to burn off excess energy. Best I can do when my right leg is injured. It is a rather funny sight though.
Great way to contour your body too. Optimal results.

My sister and I both hurt our leg on the same day. Her wound is a flesh wound, whereas my injury is due to the straining of my muscles. We were both hopping around the whole day.

I feel like being carried around. :D Hahaha. I do hope that I will recover by tomorrow though.
I want cheesecake and mushrooms now.

2010-08-27T18:10:00.015+08:00

I have been mourning the injuring of my leg since the morning. Injured my leg while sprinting yesterday and I stubbornly insisted on running on the track this morning. I was not as fast as usual and then I felt this sharp pain after 4 rounds. ): Sighhh. Second time I hurt my leg this month lol. I have to limp around now. It is okay, swimming should be less strenuous. I was so devastated that I just lay in bed from after school till about four plus. No, SNAP OUT OF IT. You are great. Must have momentum. Yes. I can do it. Have the momentum you had for MYES. YOU CAN DO IT! AHHH! Hahahaha. I need to move. I am an active young child. Hahaha.

Block out Negative people! They just cannot be happy for you. (:

2010-08-26T22:19:00.011+08:00

"LAST TOUCHES OF RED" (Read it! :D)

Last touches of that red he tells me he adores.
Slide it on my lips like skin to my flesh.
I wait for him eagerly at the dining table,
where the main course was missing.

Last touches of that red he tells me he loves,
as I thought to myself the times he leaned in from behind,
soothing the tense muscles of my fatigued body,
and recharging me with this unique sensation I cannot explain.

Last touches of that red they tell me he loves,
as I smiled to myself and thought of the horizon we never saw.
As I felt the pain of the air against the whole of my fatigued back,
with no him to soothe.

Last touches of that red they tell me he loves on her,
as I hold on to the blade I used on him and her.
One slice, two slices, I lost count.
Last touches on red,
the red you loved so much, my dear boy,
whom I love so much.
I did give you a chance.
My dear boy, my dearest boy,
whom I still love so much.

This red does look better on you two.

-----------------------------------------
Lol sadistic poem.

The YOG has ended officially, and I am really proud of Singapore for being the Host country! :D It was truly touching, and I can only imagine the simultaneous pain and great happiness in their hearts at that moment. (:

I feel like posting a lot of things, but I do need to sleep. At times, I wish I ran like a machine. I usually feel most awake around six to ten and that is the time I have to go to bed to get recharged for a new day. Shall be awake in the afternoon tomorrow. Have to maximise benefit for my time now. Must succeed because I want it. It makes me happy. (:

When I run, I tell myself that I am a machine, and that I can go faster and faster and I will outrun every obstacle that comes my way. When I have surpassed it I shall derive far greater strength. Must have momentum. Must continue. Ten thirty right now. Shall sleep soon so that I will be awake tomorrow.

Every single thing in life is actually a skill derived. Choose what you want to listen, and choose the things which you wish to believe in. Determine your emotions, determine your outcome, determine your present state. You always have a choice.

ULTIMATELY, YOUR STRONGEST OPPONENT YOU FACE IS YOURSELF.
Do you realise that?
"Yes, YL."
"I must beat you YL. DARN YOU!"

I will get what I want. I have what I want and I will keep it.
When I want to let it go I shall, because I have the power to.

MEMORIES
There is this portion about memories in Housekeeping and Oranges are not the Only Fruit, our lit texts, which touches me. Our memories will only be known to us and no one will ever have the same memories as us, not in the exact way at least. Then I recall Ruth letting go of these "ghosts" and stuff. I guess it does truly apply to every human relationship. I guess that is her coping mechanism as well as the tool she engages to empower herself. There is no point, after all, attaching your shelf to a thing which has no value to any other to validate that pain you feel. Then, how can there be pain when there is no validation?

You will be emancipated, free, liberated etc. Take a thesaurus and scream it out. Hahaha. It is ten forty three. I should be sleeping. I feel like running now actually. Oh gosh, the things you want so badly. When you do not want it, these things SHOUT OUT TO YOU, TEMPT YOU, LURE YOU. When you decide to be compassionate, it screams a weak "ah" and evaporates. Haha. What a funny sight.

Train of thoughts. Bring me a train. I watched this movie, years back, forgot the title but it was something about a MAGICAL TRAIN. I still recall it vividly. It is animation, those life-like ones. It was amazing. Something about Christmas. And a little boy, and he came out of bed in the middle of the night. Adventure. THEY WENT ON IT. Skidding on ice. The train. Huge tree. I remember oh my gosh I need to find out the title of that movie! I think it is Christmas Post, or something with the word "Post" in it. Then suddenly Bioshock comes to my mind. Haha awesome game.

Poem time! HAHAHAHA. Lol I shall attempt something visual.

2010-08-22T18:23:00.012+08:00

The Magnet Approach
Detachment is a skill that requires time to learn.
Now use it.
Use it and you will be free.
It is like the three wishes the fictitious genie can offer you.
It is the manipulation of the mind.
Use it, and use it well.
Empowerment.

I have to go now, I wish to continue but I am going out.
Prelims in 2 weeks! :D Shall study in school daily.

Okay, I am back! The YOG Football game is currently on television, with Haiti leading 1-0. There is about 20 mins left. I really hope Singapore will win though. This is one of the rare occassions where I actually watch football. I do understand that there is a challenge in every game but it is extremely commendable that they have made it this far! :D We will find out soon if our country wins.

Watched the YOG running at seven plus. It was amazing and the athletes have motivated me to run even more. The Kenyan female who won conquered 3km in 9:13. She is AMAZING! She is my role model haha! :D I shall google her later. I have to admit that I felt a bit less competent after watching her sprint. She is a good one and half rounds faster for my recent timing for sprinting 2 km. Haha I need to run more! Swimming yesterday was great.

Back to the subject of detachment. I have often found this topic of interest one that comes with lots of benefits as well as costs. The benefits are truly undeniable. You feel no sense of loss when you just let go of anything.

(Over ten minutes to go for the game. The Haiti goalkeeper was clearly wasting time and he got offered a yellow card. Oh my gosh they just wasted another "40 seconds", as quoted by the commentator by walking really slowly, It is not fair. ): The opposition keeps standing there and wasting time to maintain their win. I started watching for a long time and it's really unfair. 2-0 now. ): Penalty kick. My heart hurts now, only for Singapore! Well, the oppostition won.)

Anyway, back to the topic of detachment. I find it an extremely useful coping mechanism. Through countless experiences, there is a sort of numbness that I have attained. I then linked it to detachment. I was speaking to my friend today, and his account does justify why many of us choose to be detached. My possibly odd analogy of a magnet can explain it.

Say I am a magnet with two poles. If I wish to be attached to some earthly thing, I shall engage that part which attracts. Otherwise, just engage the other pole to repel and detach. I find this highly amusing. Hahaha. It does help though. I have always engaged this policy for most circumstances until last year for a bit and recently, where I let my surroundings dictate my mood to a certain extent. Darn it, it was not good.
For example, I felt pain for the people around me, I felt anger when they were angry and it was not pleasant. I felt the pressure from the place I am always in. I am not ever going to commit this folly again. Thank goodness for my experience last year that I have to be grateful for, for after that I have learnt to be partially detached. It is of course a good thing, for this world is one of impermenance anyway as we have learnt in Lit. Thank you, you GREAT and AMAZING SUBJECT!

OF COURSE, there is also the point that detachment may not have been achieved due to the sole publishing of this post, and also the need to engage this "mechanism" to cope. Well, we are of course humans and there are limitations to every solution. Hahaha. I find this highly amusing, sorry. I have no life now! I am a mugger. Well, then this calls for the typical YL solution of positive thinking. Let us adopt the best possible mindset as to why a certain event should occur, and twist it to suit your point of view. People may deem this delusion, but how can it be delusion if it is SOME EXTERNAL BEING TOTALLY UNINVOLVED in your experience deeming it delusion? Everyone will have a DIFFERENT set of memories. What right has that person have to interfere in your affairs? Sure, people do have the right to make their own decisions but as long as you believe in it with your own experience, for everyone will have a different view of what happened, (It is like as mentioned in Housekeeping, where Ruth speaks about how people have different "ghosts" and no one will ever have the same view of seeing things. It is through this where she comes to an acceptance. ) it is not delusion. And yes, there are signs of frustration that are obviously not hidden.

I need to run more. I am going to be as fast as that girl one day.
Yes and just live your happy sad lives, you insignificant people who do not dare to achieve what I want and dare to comment. Haha, sorry. (: PLEASE BELIEVE IN YOUR MENTAL STRENGTH.) Seriously, if you do not, you will just stand to lose like those who laugh. It is how the Haiti team won. They just formed their team six weeks ago before their first match.

Anyway, writing posts gives me this surge of emotions. At times I experience great happiness yet at times I feel depressed. Otherwise it is a combination of both. It is not yet eleven.

FEMALES NEED TO BE EMPOWERED!
Abandon the emotional attachment and engage the "magnet" approach instead! This way you get the best of both worlds. You get to experience joy as well as turn away when there is sorrow. Just tell yourself you are a robot. You can control yourself. You can, and you shall be empowered.

I am a magnet. I have dehumanized myself. Haha this is highly amusing. I love this phrase.

Now, back to embracing the human side of me.
I do love the text Wide Sargasso Sea a lot. I can really emphatize with Antoinette as well as Rochester, and I can fail to emphatize with them as well. You can feel a bit, and then you just back off. It is just to experience that surge of emotion for a few minutes and then you just wanna back off because you have to be strong and not let anything that does not concern you alter your emotions. You need control. Yes, that is just my aim. Writing is so fun. You get to argue with your mind. I feel like running now. I want to just run and run as in my Lucid dream which I miss so much cuz after my sixth one, I had a short seventh one but it was so short. It was probably for 30 seconds unlike the sixth one that went on until I grew sick of it.
I FELT SO POWERFUL. I had progressed in controlling my mind and used it to maximise my speed for sprinting. For the seventh one I tried flying and I did, but I did nothing much and then I remember there was silver infrastructure.

Last night I had a dream I went to speak to a random female stranger, but I knew it was a dream but I only knew it for a spilt second. I was in a park, near the beach. A lot of sand and I think there was a brewing storm and I chased after her to ask her how she trained. But no, I want my sixth dream back. I will have another Lucid dream again. The mind is really a scary thing. In my consciousness in the dream I could really change everything. It is as clear as reality and I will always remember how it is. Even the people are so real but I talked to them and told them they weren't real, which is really freaky because you know it is fake yet you are stuck in a dream world where you have such great control but yet people keep popping out and it is actually another aspect of your mind that is controlling the things popping out but you only have the aspect that controls what to change, not what is popping out. I am digressing hahahaha!

I hope I get a Lucid dream tonight again. I will use it to run and swim and fly and get all As, and grow taller. HAHAHHAHA BYE.

2010-08-17T19:58:00.005+08:00

I copied this off a message a dear sister sent to me. It really touched me.
It will only take 3 minutes! Just spend 3 less minutes talking or logging onto a popular website or watch less television! :D
It spoke to me, and I pray that it will speak to you as well.

> >GOD IS GOOD
> >
> >This is so beautiful!
> >John 3:16
> >
> >A little boy was selling newspapers on the corner,
>>the people were in and out of the cold.
> >
> >The little boy was so cold that he wasn't trying to sell many
> > papers.
>>
> >He walked up to a policeman and said,
>>"Mister, you wouldn't happen to know
> >where a poor boy could
> >find a warm place to sleep tonight would you ?
> >
> >
> >
> > You see, I sleep in a box up around the corner there and
> >down the alley and it's awful cold in there for tonight.
> >
> > Sure would be nice to have a warm place to stay."
> >
> >
> > The policeman looked down at the little boy and said,
>>"You go down the street to that big white house and
>>you knock on the door. When they come
> >out the door you just say
> > John 3:16, and they will let you in."
> >
> > So he did. He walked up the steps and knocked
>>on the door, and a lady answered. He looked up and
>>said, "John 3:16." The lady said, "Come on in, Son."
> >
> > She took him in and she sat him down in a split
>>bottom rocker in front of a great big old fireplace,
>>and she went off. The boy sat there for a
> >while and thought to himself:
> > John 3:16 ...I don't understand it, but it sure makes
>>a cold boy warm.
> >
> >
> >
> > Later she came back and asked him "Are you hungry?"
>>He said, "Well, just a little. I haven't eaten in a couple of
>>days, and I guess I could stand a little bit of food,"
> >
> > The lady took him in the kitchen and sat him down to a
>>table full of wonderful food. He ate and ate until he couldn't
>> eat any more. Then he thought to himself:
> > John 3:16 ...Boy, I sure don't understand it but it sure
>>makes a hungry boy full.
> >
> >
> >
> > She took him upstairs to a bathroom to a huge bathtub
>>filled with warm water, and he sat there and soaked
> > for a while. As he soaked, he thought to himself: John 3:16...
> > I sure don't understand it, but it sure makes a dirty
>>boy clean. You know, I've not had a bath, a real bath, in my
>>whole life. The only bath I ever had was when I stood in front
>> of that big old fire hydrant as they flushed it out.
> >
> > The lady came in and got him. She took him to a room,
>>tucked him into a big old feather bed, pulled the covers up
>>around his neck, kissed him goodnight and turned out the
>>lights. As he lay in the darkness and looked
> >out the window at the snow coming down on that cold night,
> > he thought to himself:
> > John 3:16 ...I don't understand it but it sure makes a tired boy
> >rested.
> >
> >
> > The next morning the lady came back up and took him down
>>again, to that same big table full of food. After he ate, she took
>>him back to that same big old split bottom rocker in front of
>>the fireplace and picked up a big old Bible.
> >
> > She sat down in front of him and looked into his young face.
> > "Do you understand John 3:16? " she asked gently. He replied,
>> "No, Ma'am, I don't. The first time I ever heard it was last
>>night when the policeman told me to use it,"
> >
> > She opened the Bible to John 3:16 and began to explain
>> to him about Jesus. Right there, in front of that big old
>>fireplace, he gave his heart and life to Jesus.
> >
> > He sat there and thought: John 3:16 -- I don't understand it,
>> but it sure makes a lost boy feel safe.
> >
> >
> > You know, I have to confess I don't understand it either,
>>how God was willing to send His Son to die for me,
>> and how Jesus would agree to do such
> >a thing. I don't understand
> > the agony of the Father and every angel in heaven as
>>they watched Jesus suffer and die.
>>I don't understand the intense love for ME that
> >kept Jesus on the cross till the end. I don't understand it,
>>but it sure does make life worth living.
> >
> > John 3:16
> > For God so loved the world, that he gave his only
> > begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should
>> not perish, but have everlasting life.
> >
> >
> > If you woke up this morning
> > with more health than illness,
> > you are more blessed than the
> > million who won't survive the week.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you have never experienced
> > the danger of battle,
> > the loneliness of imprisonment,
> > the agony of torture or
> > the pangs of starvation,
> > you are ahead of 20 million people
> > around the
> > world.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you attend a church meeting
> > without fear of harassment,
> > arrest, torture, or death,
> > you are more blessed than almost
> > three billion people in the world.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you have food in your refrigerator,
> > clothes on your back,a roof over
> > your head and a place to sleep,
> > you are richer than 75% of this world.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you have money in the bank,
> > in your wallet, and spare change
> > in a dish someplace, you are among
> > the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If your parents are still married and
> >alive,
> > you are very rare,
> > especially in the United States.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you hold up your head with a smile
> > on your face and are truly thankful,
> > you are blessed because the majority can,
> > but most do not.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you can hold someone's hand, hug them
> > or even touch them on the shoulder,
> > you
> > are blessed because you can
> > offer God's healing touch.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you can read this message,
> > you are more blessed than over
> > two billion people in the world
> > that cannot read anything at all.
> >
> >
> > You are so blessed in ways
> > you may never even know.

2010-08-12T20:35:00.017+08:00

POEM TIME! (After this brief introduction. )

I feel that today is one of those rare moments where I actually write out more than what I usually would. The Literature lesson notedly highlighted how concealing emotions in works actually do reveal more than the other option of actually penning down your thoughts. I feel like I am digging up filthy dirt and pasting it on the television but that is life indeed sometimes, and we do learn and move on with great lessons attained. (: Hiding becomes fruitless after a certain period of time.

I usually compose entries that are serious in nature because I used to abhor the idea of declaring one's private life on this cold and unfeeling screen. Also, I did not enjoy the impacts of posting one's true emotions online. You would feel as though you were a fish out of water, scraped and scaled, scrubbed with sandpaper. Then COUNTLESS TIMES I write all my poems and then I start adding happy things to make a resolution because I cannot tolerate unhappiness and flaws in my life being broadcast. That is okay though. I have endeavored to stop the defensive mechanism of making everything "rainbows and butterflies". Hahaha. I feel strangely odd though.

"When I was that age"

When I was seven,
the girls in my class shrieked when the teacher told them they would marry boys.
I laughed to myself.
Silly girls, is that not the duty of females?
Who wants to be an expired fruit?

Duties, duties, duties.

When I was fourteen,
I liked an older guy and he liked me.
the girls in my circle shrieked that he never liked me and they cruelly brainwashed me.
Still, looking back, it was an interesting experience, and I learnt never to like just one person so much again.

When I was fifteen,
the girls in my school shrieked in delight at the thought of getting boyfriends and first kisses.
I laughed to myself.
If only they knew what each of us did with them behind closed doors.
Well, we all learn and grow up years later.

Mere duties, duties, duties.
All for the mere experience,
but still part of growing up.

When I was sixteen,
the girls in my life shrieked that relationships were for marriage.
I did not laugh.
If only they knew what I knew.

Duties, duties, duties.

When I was seventeen,
the people in my life shrieked that meaningless relationships were the trend.
I laughed to myself.
If only I had listened to them.
Then I did.

Duties, duties, duties.

When I was eighteen,
I told myself that I had control.

"I just will never give"

We were there together again.
Different place, Different time
Yet all the same, the same motive.
Like I did not know what you wanted.

Time seems to pass so slowly with you yet
it flies by when I am not with you.
No, get out of it. You are not getting controlled.

When we were there,
Things progressed just like the rain cycle,
continuous, soothing, refreshing, life-giving.

When we were not there,
the fishes leaped and bounced
gasping for air, repeatedly, fruitlessly.

And that was when I consulted my mind.
Is this what I really want?
I know I just will not give when there is nothing to get.

When we were there,
Things progressed just like the rain cycle,
continous, soothing, refreshing, life-giving.

I just will never give when there is nothing to get.
This way no one gets hurt.
You have to be firm in your stand.

2010-08-08T20:06:00.012+08:00

OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
(Haha I apologise beforehand, I am gonna talk about running again.)

I JUST RAN 2 KM IN 8 MINS 35 SECONDS, which is unbelievable to me at first but then I thought about it and realised how many 5.5km blocs I ran per week. And then I did train my speed also. Oh my gosh do you know how much I improved? Before I started training after the 2.4km we were supposed to take for NAPFA I ran 2.4km not as fast, which is really funny because people usually train before NAPFA but I trained after NAPFA hahaha.
It is possible! If you wanna do well for your fitness test, start training like me too!

HAHAHAHA WOW WOW WOW MY LUCID DREAM REALLY WORKED. (Must watch Inception now.)
Haha I am fascinated by dreams I started writing my dreams down ever since I read the article on Lucid dreams a few years back.
This Sunday morning I had my sixth lucid dream (where you have knowledge that it is a dream and have control over your own actions), so after making the pointy spear that was chasing me disappear cuz I knew it was a dream again and sliding down rollercoasters for fun, I remembered the article that told me atheletes used LUCID DREAMS TO TRAIN!

Haha, I am sorry if I am boring you with my dreams. :D
I teleported myself somewhere else to find a track so that I could train my speed and I ended up not being able to find one. I decided to take a bus since it required a lot of willpower to change the place. Do you know that lucid dreams look EXACTLY like reality? It is like NOW. It is a duplicate, and the likeness of it simply scares you. Just look anywhere around you now and you'll know how clear Lucid dreams are. It was really scary and I kept telling myself how shocked I was that things were so clear and bright like the current place I am at.

Then I realised since everything seemed like reality, it was really difficult to change anything. I made things appear but that required a lot of concentration. I could change my location too but I needed so much concentration I was mentally exhausted. Hence I took the bus in my dream to find my track to run at but I could not find a track so I merely alighted at one stop where there were many trees. It was too high so I used the "concentration" thing again and made the vine grow so that I could climb the tree since it required so much energy to make myself fly.

Haha and then I saw my cousin up there, and I told myself he is not real. I spoke to that illusion and I said "Hey, do you know that this is a dream? Are you having the same dream as I? Eh, why am I telling you this. You're not even real." And then I thought about how scary it was and I wanted to kill him to have control in my dream like I did in my previous Lucid dreams where eveyone was not real, but I did not, because this dream just seemed to real and I did not want this Lucid dream to be as violent as my previous Lucid dreams. Hence I decided to go off running since such dreams are best to train your atheletic powers as illustrated on the newspaper articles.

I have read numerous times that many atheletes actually engage such dreams to really push themselves and I am simply amazed at the results of it. Hence I jumped off the tree, and remembering that jumping too high will shock me out of my dream as I did in a former Lucid dream, I jumped on another small platform before jumping again so as to minimize the height that I were to jump if I got off at one go.

Haha and then I saw the sea and I told myself that I could run on water. Then I ran and ran and I realised that I actually could do it since it was not reality. The waves kept coming on and I almost drowned on the third wave, and then I remembered that I could control the waves and the waves became smaller haha and then I grew so mentally exhausted I just did not care anymore. In the dream itself, time actually passes by extremely slowly so I just stopped using my brainpower and then I came out of the lucid dream, back to a normal dream, where I told my classmate I just had a dream and she was inside. Haha, so cool right. Hahaha, at least I think it is.

Oh my gosh I wanna have such a dream again. Hahaha. I should be thankful. After all, according to the article, if my memory serves me well, only 25% of all adults have at least 1 lucid dream in their lifetime. If you have a Lucid dream anytime soon, remember to use it to train on something you like! The experience will be breathtaking.

2010-07-23T16:41:00.002+08:00

Hello, I shall compose a story now, since I am home rather early and the rest of the school is probably having PTM soon. I am really happy! Ran 5.5 km today in the gym. Well, I do know that it is indeed a lot easier in the gym, and I would love running in the outdoors too but enduring the sun during school hours is simply unbearable. Haha! Shall run outdoors when I am free on weekends.

Alright, I shall tell you about my fitness level which you probably are unconcerned about.
Oh yeah, I found out my position for Cross Country and I actually got 12th! I was extremely disappointed because on that day, I did not make it into the Top Ten even though I knew I was faster than the J1s who got into it, hence the great disappointment. Haha, Evelyn got 11th and we are the sad ones who did not get any medal nor recognition! ): Wouldn't even have known if I did not ask the teacher. Well, I have trained insanely after that and I am sure I am much faster now. (:

Now for my story. I was thinking that perhaps I should write from a male's point of view. Pretty sure that that story would sound as though it were composed by effeminate male though. I wonder. Often times, I would have a story in my head at odd timings when I am far away from the computer, and when I actually sit in front of the screen, I decide not to post it. Rationality.
Ta-da.

"Pen and Paper"

Before I forget the events that transpired, I shall quickly note them down. I feel as though my memories would slip away before I can jot them down. No, no. It cannot happen. I don't want to lose it, it must stay close. I think that if I write it down, perhaps I can have some rein over my emotions. Maybe, but then again, how can emotions be real? It is all chemicals. I learnt it from the textbook, and then my teacher told me there is no such thing as love, just chemical reactions.
What do I believe? I went out just now. No, I believe. I believe it is I who controls everything I believe in. Yes, if I tell myself I will get that, so I will. Yes, yes. Quickly now. I remember that day. It was a strange day. Odd, but not yet strange, because it was just different. I would not have seen you on normal days. No, yes, but no, things like that can be created. Then again, who creates it? You, or I? Do I really want that? I made myself feel that way. I just wanted to. Perhaps subconsciously, (or is it really the conscious mind?) I did not want it. There must have been an action which turned it away. Is that? No, I am not penning it down. It is too dangerous. It is evidence, that I have felt this way before. No, I cannot have that. I need control. No evidence shall bring me away from my aims.

I stopped writing. I just bought a lighter just now. Somehow I went out to buy a shirt, but could not find it and I saw a lighter. I bought it, and it will come in handy now. Slowly, I took the lighter out and pressed it. Sparks. Yes, burn the evidence. Let it burn, let it be consumed. I saw how the flames engulfed the side, and then it stopped. Why? Is that a sign to tell me evidence can NEVER be removed? What the heck. No, It must burn. I'll take the pen and cancell it so it'll be hidden. Wait, did that happen in the past or am I cancelling my words now? I do not know. I merely remember something, something about the ligher. Oh no, what's happening. I must find that paper. I must cancel it off, I must burn it. No, no, where is it?

--------------------------
Haha, that is example of mad writing.
Okay, have fun! :D

2010-07-12T19:40:00.003+08:00

I shall dedicate this post to the world of fitness and health.
Fitness, health and the idea of losing weight is all about 4 main pillars.
They are, according to my source, "Strength, Cardio, Nutrition and Mental".

I shall speak on mental strength. It is extremely important to know that this diet of lifestyle that you are going to embark on is one that you can sustain for a lifetime. If you are to do this for let us say 90 days, on the 91th day, you will start stuffing yourself and gaining back all the weight loss.
Now, what is the most ideal way?
That is to exercise and to eat in discrete amounts. Do not ever stop yourself from getting your cravings. For example, if you yearn for cheesecake like I usually do, do allow yourself to eat it! Just go running later or cut down on some rice to allow some space for indulging yourself in these deemed unhealthy foods.

Haha, I am kinda obsessed about health and fitness now, explaining the post.
I have been successful and I have lost more than 4kg already!
Start being healthy today!

The benefits of exercising are that you will become an extremely disciplined person, have better stamina, have good complexion, attain greater attention span and focus.

I will do the guy pull-ups. Must train. Hahahahahhaa.

2010-07-01T18:05:00.013+08:00

(I am happy! :D Yes I am. Haha, I feel so good after writing that post.
I have this urge to delete that negativity but I guess lashing it out is good. Yay! :D)

I really dislike how certain men like to control women.

Where is the equality? No, I know what you are gonna tell me.
Religion has dictated that women are of lesser importance.
Moreover, the average men possesses considerable strength that is far greater that any average female being. They can scare you, use their fists, beat you, harm you and you HAVE TO SUBMIT. Not unless you arm yourself or train, but you're still weak.
Oh and then this character keeps calling us and finding out where we are. It makes me want to leave more, you know? (: You need to create respect. It is really sad.
And then it comes the time where I typically become positive.
Yeah, I really hope he learns.

And then usually I write angry stuff and delete it all and make it sound positive by refuting all the anger by saying they care, yes they do! No, I am not doing that today.

By the way, I am merely saying whatever I want. I am not crafting a GP argument.
However, I feel that we HAVE RIGHTS.
What gives a male the advantage to deem females as objects?
They use patronizing words like "hot", and "babe" and they treat them like trophy girlfriends.
And then there is this idea that we should submit.
When we marry, we shall stay at home and we shall be the housecleaner.
And then that man says, "you are supposed to look after the house" in that condescending manner and then he is the one that wastes his life away. I can't stand you.

That is the notion that is entrenched in the patriarchal society, I tell you.

No, I am living in the modern day society, my dear.

Actually, no matter what, females still submit.
You know why? They want to be accepted. They do not want to be spinsters.
Social mores.
And yes, a buddy in bed.
It is so sad, cuz we're all like that. We don't wanna be alone.
What is this world coming to?
LOL.
It is so sad, it is so sad.
But I am happy. I just like writing when I feel annoyed.
The anger just flows through and the writing seems so vibrant. Hah.

I control my emotions. (:
Gee, my partner will not be like that. We will be equal.

2010-06-14T12:22:00.003+08:00

I should do the right things.
The message on Saturday was truly God-sent. I listened, and let go.
Often times we do things that are not right, just to prove a point or to make someone affected.
Thanks Qi for telling me to do the correct things too.
They are all in Malaysia right now for the Bible Conference.
I should be going off to study too.

"Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds thy hands have made.
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout, the universe displayed."

The song is playing in my head right now.
I gotta study soon! Woke up late and have not studied yet.
Shall have an intimate relationship with Econ soon.
Let go off all the unnecessary things that will impede my progress.
Happy!
And History, my neglected darling, I shall come to you soon. Hahaha.

2010-05-27T22:00:00.002+08:00

Purefancy.
What is purefancy.
Haha, was not feeling pretty happy and have been moody for a while.
I control my emotions! Smile. (:

Must be positive like I always am! I do not like the feeling I experience when I get irritated or angry easily because I usually do not feel that way unless I am experiencing bad mood swings.
It's okay, it'll be over by tomorrow. (:
The play yesterday was really great and Interact farewell was memorable.
I will miss the great moments.

I feel like I am not myself most of the time.
Gotta stop that, and be happy. (:
Strive on!
Must fully utilise the holidays.

Time for a poem to fill up the time I have to wait from now till the time the pictures from yesterday's farewell gets uploaded.

Only experience pleasant emotions.
That is all to satisfaction. Haha.

Oh no, the upload failed.
Okay I am going off.

2010-05-11T19:27:00.005+08:00

"Like how you always cared"

You glare at it each time you pass,
Like you do not care,
And perpetually speak about its evil deeds at lunchtime,
Like it is worthless in your life.
Your anger engulfs you, it has corrupted your vision.
Anger is an armor you put on, a weapon you wield,
And you strike it down so cruelly without a chance,
Like you do not care,

Like how you always cared.
-------------------------------
Haha, another poem up!

I am gonna live more healthily from now on. Just ran 10.15km in 2 days. I feel pretty motivated now to do this on a weekly basis.

I felt that the civics elective program was actually extremely helpful in reinforcing the fact thta we have to believe in ourselves. No matter how people call me delusional, as some friends do (haha, jokingly and when they mean it), and I know that they have good intentions, but we still have to be positive and have dreams. I keep reminding myself that I will be able to do well, and achieve my dream and pursue the career I want that was prevented from taking off due to higher intervention and my age, and the opportunity was gone, but there is a time and purpose for everything. After the A's, that is. (:
I must believe that I'll get a better opportunity.

To those who have been belittled or doubted, the first step to success is actually believing that something is possible! Believe in yourself, and ignore the people who tell you you cannot succeed, for even if you can't be the best, you'll be somewhere near, and know that you have tried.

Yeah, today my friend told me that I ignore all the bad comments, and I am thankful that my friend mentioned this. In life, one cannot expect everyone to feel the same way about something, and the thing is, everyone has different opinions. I guess life is subjective, and we cannot please everyone, and hence, sometimes in life we just have to do what we feel will benefit us, and not aim to please everyone else, for you'll end up losing fuel and eventually burning out.
Believe in yourself!

2010-04-12T17:54:00.000+08:00

After reading it, I edited much and changed it all to joyful things.
Is that what I do all the time, make everything out to be blessed and happy?
I think that's my coping mechanism, and it really works.
Haha, you should try it!

2010-04-12T17:15:00.011+08:00

This post is not very nice. Well, I have to let it out anyway.
I don't wanna become insane.
I changed all the words after I wrote it all down.

I really hope you cease to exist now. I have forgiven you too many times. You are really unbelievable.
You know, my posts were all cheery and forgiving, optimistic and loving, but not this one.
Enough with words that blasts your violent nature (i.e. threatening words) and scolding her with words like why we aren't doing this and that for you and controlling others. Enough of the abuse and psychological damage. I don't even feel anything for you, except dislike sometimes, which is bad, because it shows that you affect my life.
Darn! I need to master the art of the lack of emotion!
Haha, yeah but after a while I usually get used to it and start being nice again.

I need to feel nothing for you.
Okay, occasional concern when you're nice.

You're insane and I really dislike returning to whatever place you're in.
I always forget, and then when something happens, I remember why I avoided being around in the first place. Is that selective memory, that I always forget what happens, only the joyous things?
You deserve to be alone, with none of us. You verbally abuse us whenever we're just sitting around and make out your pathetic deeds to be so great. LOL.
Haha, but now when I edit this after my anger has subsided, I see less suffering.
And you made him a miniature version of you.
LOL.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

I have forgiven you too much,
yet I am so forgiving.
I forget it after a while.
You know why? All because it makes me happy and live without a care.
Good that it only affects me momentarily,
but it has affected her too much.
I need to help her.

Okay I'm off to study. (:
I love econs.
I AM HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.
YAY.
Darn, I need privacy.

Haha, so anyway, I didn't get to re-do my NAFPA because that would mean that I'd have to retake 2.4km. Hence, I shall stick with the almost perfect score. Haha. (:
Well, at least other people will achieve it for me.

Actually, after writing all that anger down, I am very tempted to delete it all away because it is evidence that I was upset once. I do not like negativity, but we do need to let it manifest itself in words, don't we? We need someone to read it, to make it become real, so that someone can understand the plight we're in. I know other people go through this too, perhaps even worse fates.

Well, I'm off to study soon!

2010-04-06T19:48:00.008+08:00

What is the extent of harm you will inflict upon the one you supposedly love?
Would you go through his personal things, attain information you want about him through despicable means, or haunt him online by undertaking some anonymous role?

I find all that really infuriating, and I feel that the actions you're adopting on him, my friend, is not very wise, and I wish I had control for myself too. Yet control is elusive, and freedom is not near at the moment. Is choice the only reason for success? Does choice equate to happiness? Perhaps the elimination of choice serves as a mode of stability, and it abolishes all need to blame and all reason to care. It keeps us in a comfort zone.

Yet I am happy everyday, or as much as I attempt to be. To be in this mode serves as a comfort zone, and it protects and it nourishes, and it assists you in going on this road of life.

Happy, all because I am in control and those stupid, DAMNED negative people can just screw off. Seriously.

Is there romantic love? I see no love but lust, and it will remain that way. People own and people have control, and they lose the attraction they once had and there is no love but just familiarity. Humans tend to prefer something known to them, and something they can rely on. Does that mean we're not open to choices?

Is this my way of comfort?

I would like to have the whole world, but would the whole world accept change? What is change. Change is something out of the blue, unexpected, unlikable, undesirable, unwanted. Unwanted.
People do not like different things.

Closed society,
yet we learn to adapt.

And we're safe.

And we're all happy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Haha okay, watched some motivational thing again.
YES.

I changed my mind. I believe in the law of attraction, again.
I get the things I believe. (:
Yes.

POSITIVE. POSITIVE.
IGNORE.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Haha okay enough of the serious talk.
I wanna do those guy pull-ups man.
I wanna be stronger.
I can go up halfway already.

I will protect myself.

Too many choice, and too many things to believe in.
Security is essential for success,
and only I determine success.
Do not let anyone in. (:

2010-04-01T21:01:00.008+08:00

Shall share with you my experience for NAPFA. It may sound perhaps senseless to you
that I actually care about it a lot, but well, I like such stuff. (:

For yesterday, I obtained a fault jump for standing broad jump three times and got zero. Hence, it was a failure.
I was really so upset that I just cried a few times because I always did well for it and got A.
I just could not do it. There was a factor that contributed to that failure and it was the lack of trust in the Lord that He'll see me through any obstacle.

However, for today, I prayed and I got what I wanted. :D I just trusted Him.
Really thank the Lord! He works miracles. ((:
He always helps us in time of need.

Actually, what I wish to proclaim is that no matter what, we just have to be dependent on him and place all our trust in Him. He'll see us through.
Thanks for the encouraging words.

Haha, I'm gonna make this a personal post and ramble on about what I wish to achieve like how normal people blog.

Almost got A for inclined pull-ups though. 2 more of it. They're more strict in this school. Had 29/30 overall.
I am almost there in terms of reaching a perfect score, MY DREAM as mentioned in my previous post. It is my dream and I will achieve it!! Shall train for it.
I am going to carry more weights and I am a tough girl man. (See the irony?)
Shall retake it on Wed. :DD Hahaha.

2010-03-25T18:22:00.010+08:00

"Translated"

There is an essence of time that causes humans to forget,
to conjure a false memory or to eradicate the long forgotten,
to the extent of utter delusion,
like nothing happened,
disremembered,
obliterated,
as though a complete removal would translate the present
into a fairytale,
with damned happy endings,
with a beautiful prince and a handsome princess,
with a brick house constructed by their unfailing love, that tumbled
when the wolf went down the chimney,
and when the princess shrieked in fear,
and the prince died of shock and
left her yet alone.
These are the happy endings we all yearn for.
Don't we all?

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Roleplay"

If life were a stage,
and we were all her clowns,
who manipulated the audience's emotions
with our carefully crafted scripts,
who are the real clowns?

If life were a stage,
and the ticket for the perpetual performance were a dollar and half cents,
with our personal selection of scenes,
would you have stayed to watch?

If life were a stage,
and I knew you were watching me,
would you still have done what you did?
------------------------------------------

Haha, I am gonna be really random now but the poem prize I won last year was commendation one, not a consolation! ): Haha, so I am not in a sports cca, and I don't take part in competitions and stuff, so winning something consoled me slightly. (:

Yeah, thanks. Haha, yeah, and I submitted all the soppy sad stuff which I composed when I was bored, which amounted to a lot. Poor teachers!

I suppose writing is an outlet whereby we verbalise what we usually store up, in case we explode because of frustration one day. Yet I filter out tons of info, and I alter it to please the internet.
I have always abhorred the phrases that declare lovey dovey emotions and stuff, and I really dislike writing "I miss you" on blog posts and stuff. Everyone writes them everywhere!

Yet, we are all human and we all will miss someone, friend or lover, but the mere act of proclaiming it on websites and stuff only makes you appear desperate for love, but we all need love.
Yet, missing is normal, and I miss so many people and things.
I miss the people who have left the world, the friends who have deserted me, the state of being free, the opportunities I had, the youth we all had once, and the very pleasant memories.

I am so weird. I am just rambling on and on.
I wish I loved writing as much as I used to.

Last year, I could just write on and on without feeling false.
Now, I just write on so that I can feel better.

I am happy.

Oh, I wanna get perfect score for NAPFA man.
This is my last shot at it.
Have carried weights and stuff since last year. Hope it pays off. I'm a strong girl!

2010-03-11T20:16:00.008+08:00

Infatuation is merely a cover. It gets you over other things.

Do you know, that we can manipulate ourselves easily?
If you keep feeding yourself with the statement that you can't get over it,
you shall be stuck in quicksand and be drenched by your self-fulfilling prophesy.

Hence, we shall live on.

"Infatuation"

Those first few glances irked me
but when you drew closer, I saw that gleam in
those eyes, those understanding windows,
a turbulent rush of emotions,
sorrow amongst many, windows
to another entity altogether.

You remind me of someone
I once knew.

But people tend to like the same kind of people,
not for the people they once knew.

Those defined jaws of strength, and that
euphoria and those moments of sheer joy.
That period redefined the list that made the mark.
That late afternoon, when you wore that simple shirt,
nothing to distract me from your kind smile.

Or was it the attention you gave that drew me?
Those understanding windows.
Repeatedly, until we were attuned to each other.
Distinct individuals with small moments of eye contact.

I saw you again.
And that friendly smile,
and a reciprocal smile.

If I only I really knew you.
And if you knew what my smile meant.

----------------

Hahaha! This is such a super mushy poem.
It is my first blissful poem if my memory serves me right.
I have not done posts in that dreary manner in a pretty long time.
Just read a reading that many writers suffer from depression and mental instabilities.
It is probably due to the perpetual need to be sorrowful in order to compose an impressive piece of work.

I should be studying!
I love to study. I am a bookworm.

I feel so formal.
Hahaha.
And yeah, I just read the "Yes, Now I remember" poem and I do realise something.
Yeah. (: Haha, be glad for good memories.

What is love actually?
There are countless kinds of love, and the greatest of all is Agape love that God gives to us.

Is Lust love?
Hmm.
------

Little actions.
Your reactions.
Humans!

2010-02-26T17:49:00.003+08:00

I'm quite sad now. I see pictures of other models and how they have the freedom and parental approval. I should know it's God's will that I was not allowed to sign the contract with the agency last year. But I see pretty well-known models from that agency and I feel quite disappointed. Okay. You are a student. You're 18. Think when you really hit 18 after your A's! Yes, and I so agree that models are not stick-thin. Come on, not all people can be anorexic or bulimic just so that you can admire their bones. Of course skinny beautiful people look nice, but do skinny ugly people look nice? I think size 4-6 is okay. I am against being size 0 though. And yes, I do nmot really bother following trends and all and since I am not allowed to sign a contract, I can only do limited work. It is quite sad. You know you have the opportunity, you know people have to start young, but maybe there are greater opportunities. Perhaps you'll get a better agency, or maybe a better job. How about a practical one like a teacher? I do not know at this point in time.

Currently obsessing over Taiwanese Drama "Down with Love", starring Jerry Yan and Ella Chen. They have great chemistry and an interview highlighted the physical intimacy between them. Aww. (: Wish they were together. Okay, so I am spazzing out over Taiwan shows like a Secondary Sch girl I used to be. Well, JC kids can relax too. It is just that Arts students usually prefer things like books or fashion, or perhaps even music? People are different. This blog post is unlike the rest too. I am going on and on about what I am thinking about instead of thinking.
Okay gtg.

2010-02-06T12:25:00.005+08:00

I am really traumatized now. I shouldn't have watched the video of The Chinese skinning the dog alive. Darn it. Why didn't the cameraman stop that cruel guy from skinning the dog? Is it for the sake of people watching the video so that they can put a stop to such a trade?

I really, really regret watching it. I feel extremely traumatized. I am just staring into space. Darn it arghhh.

They use the fur for stupid things like SOFT TOYS?

Please sign the online petition!
http://animalsaviors.org/

This is the video.
Do not watch it if you're afraid of how graphic it is.

If you watch it, I don't think you'll wanna buy those toys again.
That's better though.

I'm just so angry at the cameraman. I know they wish to spread awareness but couldn't he have just stopped this one more dog from getting tortured and left to die?

Grrr.

2010-01-30T16:18:00.002+08:00

"Yes, now I remember"

I thought she said it was over.
Over means to be on top of,
to be past something.

Yet she views you from behind.
What familiarity, yet so
Foreign, like a decayed leaf on the ground,
disconnected from the branch, and the tree-
its source of life.

It's not the same.
It has been chemically modified, and we know
that according to its law, it cannot be altered.
It cannot.

I thought she said it was over.
Yes, now I remember.

2010-01-30T15:57:00.010+08:00

I keep deleting what I type here. It's like your mind has this coffee bag filter or something.
I think.

The A's are approaching.
I constantly tell myself that and I feel really stressed but I'm gonna relax. Take a step at a time.
Should be studying now. I feel perpetually tired. I think it is the stress. I sleep really early.

I wish I could do more to help.
If only I had the capabilities.
And if only I had the time.

I dreamt that I was in a game sorta battle in mid-air at least sixty stories up.
There were those orange and dark blue tubes and I was gonna fall off already.
They were going to crush me or something. And I saw a giant Oreo. Haha!
Must have watched "American Gladiator" too much.
Spend your time wisely!
Haha.

It's the time of the month where I feel extremely moody again and then question the existence of life.
I have to keep reminding myself that it is merely the result of hormones in your body.
Darn it! (: Smile manz.

Was singing karaoke at the top of my voice. Poor neighbours.
I am happy!
The park exploration with my friend was good. It really made me unwind. Visited Mama after that. I wish I could spend more time with her. I wish she would smile more. I think she thinks I am silly. Haha. Perhaps I try to hard to make amends. I constantly remind myself that it could be the last time I am seeing her and so I tell them I love them every time. They should think I am nuts. I don't even do that to my parents.

Ever since my mum's mother departed from this Earth, I told myself I had to love the remaining grandparents more. I used to cry in the middle of the night in bed to make myself feel remorse. I am thankful that she accepted Christ before she died though. I was in YF camp that year in Sec 1. I was this stupid little kid who thought it was a waste of time to visit her since she could not even open her eyes to see me. Or I just did not want to remember a bad image of her. I remembr she taught me how to fold a paper crane. I knew she was dying then. I miss her. Oh man. I should stop thinking of sad things. No one is as sad as her daughter though. I know why.

But it's over! Life goes on and she's blissfully in heaven. I know with assurance that I will see her there when I go there. I have been a bad girl though. I have many transgressions that I feel ashamed of. But I have prayed that I will forgive myself, and I have. Hope others can forgive me too.
==================================================================

Oh yeah.

People always judge the pictures and things.
They do not know what I have to go through.
Wish they wouldn't be so close-minded. Come on, it's the new century!
I just gotta deal with it man.
Admit some pics were ugly though hahaha.

I wanna make friends and not foes. It isn't a nice feeling.

Everyday is a new day. (:
Live on of Him.

2010-01-13T18:37:00.003+08:00

Last year in AJ.
Currently not used to studying so often and attempting to do some work everyday.
Hols were great.
Open house was pretty interesting.
More people than I imagined came.

Glad I got to talk to some people again.
I really like the feeling of having light conversations and forgetting past faults.

YF camp last year, or in fact, a few weeks ago was extremely encouraging.
It made me realise that I have been committing many acts that were not glorifying at all.
Pictures. Stuff. Character.
Gonna change that a step at a time.

I learnt that God is truly the one that extends to us the joy of happiness.
I am no longer happy doing stuff I did before like that worldly part time thing.
I'm not glad anymore, just doing.
There is lack of joy.
It feels very horrid, like I am just doing it merely to do it.
And I get unhappy when I brood over certain matters that I did wrong in the past, attempting to forgive myself for the events I allowed myself to be exposed to when I could have not taken part in, and then telling myself it is long over, and then feeling sad once in a while.

Geeeeeez. It's a happy day! Balloons for Interact, made special ones for Vaish and Chuanie. (: Hahahaa.

Home pretty early. Legs sore from walking.
Gonna do work.

2010-01-09T22:31:00.009+08:00

This is mainly for girls and also for guys.
Haha it's not a nice topic and I don't know who reads my blog anymore but yeah.
Sorry, I just need to vent it out so if you don't like reading about this, please ignore it.

Just saw a link about molest! Go and see it.
It really helps you to psychologically prepare and PROTECT YOURSELF.
Keep something in your bag that can fend off attackers but won't get you into trouble.

When I was in primary and secondary school, I encountered a lot of cases including myself being the victim and also my friends being victims. The predator always gets away with it because we dare not say something about it. They just always got away!

AND. They can be anyone. There was once when a group of teenage boys who attacked me at Hougang Mall in early Sec Three.

There was even a worker at the petrol kiosk station in Malaysia. And Disneyland, with his kid there. It's not safe at all anywhere. Some were even like in their twenties? There is no stereotype. You girls should keep pepperspray in your bag.

Then I kept playing it in my mind for days and blaming myself all the time for it. Then I tried to sleep so I would forget it. I wish I could always have done something about it. It's so bad that up till now, I am still very paranoid everywhere I go and keep a distance from men in public places.

And I regret not being able to help my friends too when I actually SEE it happening. I even witnessed it being done to other women and I did not help on at least three occasions. I regret it terribly now. Therefore, protect yourself! Always watch your back and beware when someone swings his hand too close.

I was on the way to church and this foreign man was swinging his hand towards me and I jumped away and glared at him and prevented it. It happened at the MRT station. Please be careful girls! And remember, speak up immediately!

But yeah, I try to forgive them after a while because I always just got angry about it and I never felt good. Prevention is better than cure though!

2009-12-01T15:20:00.006+08:00

I went to visit a certain Home today.
I am rather shaken by what is going to happen.
Since no one wanted to go, I went by myself.
I really missed them.
When I got into touch with what was happening, I was extremely upset.

They were going to send on resident away to another Home against her own will.

I know what it is like with countless homes.
They do not treat them like Humans. They are merely treated as numbers.
I have SEEN the way they speak to the residents.

The resident cried to me, and I felt helpless.
All I could do was merely touch her shoulder and hand and offer my words of encouragement.
Please pray for them and do visit and help in Homes if you can, especially during the holidays.

Would you rather waste your life away on Booze and parties? What does clubbing do in any way to aid you?
You will only end up drunk and screwed.
Sorry, I hate drinking.
Please help the less fortunate.
Thanks.
A drop in the ocean or a hay in a haystack makes a difference.

Honestly, can you imagine being in the same surroundings every single day?
Now being the holidays, I already cannot take the pressure.
How about them?

Just a visit will sincerely make them feel better.
Who cares about the "Hours" you'll get on your port?
Just go there without thinking or caring about that.
You'll feel like a much better person.
Please help and do volunteer work, thank you.

2009-11-20T21:36:00.009+08:00

Please scroll down to the bottom to read the first post! This is the third post. I create a new post everyday to show that I updated. :D Thanks for reading!

Continued Story.

Remembering Kailey

She made the final touches to my painted face, as I would like to call it, because it is not real, and started on the finishing touch- "Gold magic", as she liked to call it. "Thanks, Apple." I smiled my usual warm smile, and turned to the crew.

I did this for the hundredth time and I was truly sick of it.
The flashes came on and the poses were struck, but I really wanted something better.
At times I did shoots just for the fun of it without the whole team and stuff.
I wanted greater opportunities and I wanted Aaron to know because through this legitimate way, I would be able to veritably feel free and glad.
Aaron would have killed me if he had caught hold of the fact that I still did these sort of "Vain" things.
He hated this sort of frivolous activity.
He told me to give it up.
He wanted me to be a normal girl.

"Stop being so vain. Why are you so vain? You should stay at home and do housework.
Or you can teach tuition."
He used to chime this phrase all day.

"Can you help me find people I can teach tuition to?"

"Why don't you just stay at home and study. You should be studying!"

"Come, let me teach you how to cook. You need to LEARN."

I was defiant. I desired the best of both worlds, but I was never cheerful because of my doings.
And why did I do it? I wanted the attention I lacked from home.
There was never a home.

I said my goodbyes and pasted a genuine smile in my face. It was extremely easy after all the practice I had throughout my entire life. At times I genuinely felt happy, but when I was notably sad I had to keep up this jovial presence.

As I strutted down the rocky grey path, a familiar face greeted me near the side of the street. "Hey, isn't that Shaynie?"

My palpitating heart seemed as though it was going to erupt with a tremendous force out of my ribcage. "Shucks, I hope Shayne recognises me and sees how gorgeously I am dolled up." I said to myself.

It wasn't a coincidence that I bumped into Shayne. I was around his estate, waiting for him to appear.

He drew nearer, but he was not alone. He wasn't with Tay either. I saw another girl. She was five foot two and really petite and she looked like a freaking butch to me. "So you like those damn butches with chopped hair?"
I frowned, and I acted like I did not care and sashayed across that unfeeling grey path. He did not even have the decency to recognize me.

"SHAYNE SAW!" I growled.

"Yes, sweeet.. hurrr.. wannaa come and join uss?" He mumbled.

"Do you KNOW WHO I AM?" I was furious.

"You areee.. a chickk! Huurr hurrr..."

I stomped off furiously.
He will never change.

------------

I went back to the scenic place where I first went with Shayne.
I thought he was different then when he brought me to the place I truly loved entirely.
He has ruined it thoroughly.
Once, I thought that our differing aims actually complemented each other but at this current moment, all I see is just illusions I conjured up.

I thought his smile was still real.
Maybe he'll wake up tomorrow.
Like how Mummy woke up every morning and her screaming, screaming like a dead fish.

"I wonder how they kiss.
Is there love, or is it merely lust.
Thank goodness you'll never touch me.

You will never be able to quench your thirst."

I turned around and left without looking back.

---------------

Zana looked at Shayne and his five foot two bitch.
She looked as pathetic as he was.
She felt nothing, but the nothing she felt really was something.
She was deeply angered, but she could have never done anything about it, because men are weak, and they succumb to every little temptation, just like Bricky and cheating Shayne. Poor Tay. She wasn't really that poor a thing after all. What about Zana?

--------------

She walked to Zebar Cafe, the nearest Cafe and headed for the toilet.
"I leave no evidence and I never will."

But she forgot that the teardrop will always haunt her like the water cycle.

She cleansed her face and removed the artificial paint.
"Now I look normal again."

She stared at her drenched face and glared at herself.
"Is she more attractive than I AM? What does Tay, or what does that tiny little worm have that I don't?"

She screamed her silent scream.

She looked at herself in the mirror. Zana smiled that genuine smile again and when it did look flawless, she turned and walked out.

"Time for my next show."

--------------

"Bye Aaron. I'll be staying at Jaye's doing our Geography Project."

I walked off and headed straight to Zebar's. Time for some fun.
I slipped into a deep-V silvery black mini-dress that revealed a lot of cleavage.
"If you want a five foot two slut, I'll show you what a slut is."
I sneaked in my five-inch red suede heels and slipped it on. "Delicious."
I pulled the dress just too low and strutted out.

Continued.

2009-11-19T16:35:00.008+08:00

Continued from the Previous post.
Read the first part! (:
School tomorrow.

Remembering Kailey

.. Aaron was never the perfect stepfather, but he was nice enough.
Although he perpetually scolded Zana for every single misdeed he thought she committed, when he was nice, he actually meant it.

As Zana ironed Aaron's clothes, she attempted to enjoy doing the chore. Zana hated the way he ordered her around like she was a maid. "This is NOT a hotel. You are living UNDER MY ROOF." And he went on and on about it and she quietly cursed him. Then, she would reprimand herself for getting worked up because she detested anger. She knew how it utterly tarnished every relationship with the people she veritably loved. But she was also weak. She did lose her temper, and how often did she feel horrid about it.

"I should understand. Aaron probably doesn't realise how angry he sounds.
He probably doesn't."

"Well, he is a nice person. He did wake up and bring me to school whenever there was a downpour. He could have slept in."

Zana continued ironing the clothes.

"After all, he suffered enough under the hands of Mummy Kailey."

"And he did not intentionally leave Mummy, like Brick."

She will never be able to eradicate the sight of Brick's pushing of Kailey onto that unfeeling ground from her mind. That silent thud, that cruel melody, his body language.

He did not want them.
He desired his petite little present.
"I like older women. They are more mature than you.
I hate how whiny you are and your stupid job. You're worthless."

"You're worthless. " Zana chimed and stared at the mirror with cruel hate.
"YOU ARE WORTHLESS. Bricky, you are. YOU ARE WORTHLESS."

She sobbed uncontrollably and sniffed, and she buried her head in her shivering hands.
They did not feel human anymore. Why did they feel detached from her very frightened body?
"Why do I see you.. you, in myself. "

Her teardrop fell onto Aaron's shirt. "I hate evidence."
She glided the iron effortlessly and the tear evaporated into the unfriendly atmosphere.
But the water cycle is endless, and the tear will always haunt her and return to its sole owner.

--------------------

After Bricky deserted their "family", Kailey numbed herself with her work.
She was misused, exploited and she did not have the mentality to draw herself from it anymore.
Every night was an opportunity and a chance for her to make quick cash.
She was hardly at home, if we were to call that concrete mass a home, and if she were home, she would have been in the arms of a perfect stranger.

Perfect, and strangely perfect.
They were perfect because Kailey never saw them again, and that did her good.

Zana saw herself again that night, huddled in a corner with her hair tied with those blue ribbons from Sheila's, making that endeavor to disappear from the room and she saw those filthy dark purple lips consume her Mum's. Her Mum giggled as usual, that pathetic smile, that pseudo laughter, as though she really enjoyed the cash-making procedure. Both of them would burst out laughing and Zana's tears rolled down like the blood of a dead fish. Dead fish. She was cold like dead fish, and the tears were merely an obligation.

Mummy Kailey glanced at her, and Zana could see that she had already fallen asleep.
Or was she pretending?

---------------------

She heard the sound of chirping birds.
It was a recurring dream that continually haunted despite it having happened eons back.

Continued.

Zana hopped out of bed and folded the blue green sheets into an immaculate square.

"Time for the other part of my life. At times, I really wonder why I do it at all. What do I seek? All I want is just the satisfaction I attain from doing it. Whatever."

2009-11-18T18:29:00.019+08:00

I am now a writer. Do read my story! (:
Haha, it is rather entertaining. Maybe.
Enjoy! :D

Remembering Kailey

"Why are you not doing the dishes? Why have you not ironed the clothes? You, YOU are living UNDER my roof. Zana, you are supposed to do YOUR work. This is NOT a hotel. This is outrageous! I will.... drop down and.. get.."

"Shut up and die." Zana thought. "I will leave the moment I turn twenty-one. I shall endure it and leave as soon as I can. But why is he like that? Does he not have emotions? Does he not understand that I have needs? Does he.. But he doesn't know it."

"Mummy, I miss you terribly." This very thought ran through Zana's mind for the nth time.

-----------
Her hair was tied with those beautiful blue ribbons they used to see when they passed by Sheila's, the most well-known hair accessory shop in Shikane Town. The two delightful little strings cost Mummy Kailey two weeks worth of her salary. Mummy Kailey was poor, and she was a part-time picture slut with little cash to spend. Kailey was perfect, and her lovely brown curls framed her foxy little face, oval and sharp. Kailey had the most slender body and the sweetest smile, and her light tanned frame drew stares at every street. But Kailey was also naive.

"Yes, lower. Lower. Ahh, perfect. Bend more, to the left. A smile. Yes, that's it."
Click.

"She's such a good prawn." They laughed. Kailey glanced, and turned away.
She did it for money. Her poor daughter. How was Zana going to attain a proper education?

Kailey did not want it. But she did want it. It was successful in numbing her.
They thought she was a slut anyway.

Zana's sweet voice drew her back. "Thank you Mom-my. Preee-dy ribbons." Zana's 7 year-old face lit up and it never failed to cheer Kailey up.

Those were truly the days.

Kailey truly loved Zana's father. But he left her. How Kailey abhorred his newer love. She was older than Bricky and she was a petite little present. Kailey hated her smile. Kailey hated her maturity and how natural she was. Kailey was just a picture beauty. She was merely a slut in their eyes because of her job. She was nothing.

It was no wonder that Bricky left her.

"Mummy, mummy. Are you listening to me?"
-------

Zana snapped out of it. Mummy was long gone. She was still alive, but her mental state was terrible and she would have been better off if she died in that tragic fire years back.

"Bye, Aaron. I'm off to school. I did my chores."

"Bye. Come home early. You need to tidy up the house."

Zana ambled across the same path she tread for the past years, when Mummy was still alive at heart and when Bricky did visit. "I wish I had a choice. Why can't I be free? I want to be just like Mummy. I want to do what she used to do." Zana kicked a tiny stone. It bounced off the grey road and landed nearby with a thud.

"Woah girl, easy on that!" A familiar voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Haha, Shaynie. It's you! I should have known. That annoying voice."
"Shayne. What Shaynie. Zany you. Hahaha. Are you okay?"

"Of course I am. Haha. How can I not be. I always am happy. Don't I look happy?"

"I know you haven't been happy all these while. Stop pretending. Smiling doesn't mean you're glad. It merely means you're smiling, Zan."
Shayne stopped. He looked down and gazed into her eyes. Those emotionless peepers and that little dimple on her cheek that appeared when she tried to force a smile. He wanted to make her happy so badly.

"Nah, I'm just thinking. I miss my mum.
She warned me not to follow in her footsteps, but I did.
She never knew about my double life.
And she will never know."

They took little steps across the grey path.

"Hey, wanna follow me to this new spot I discovered? Come on Zan!"

Shayne ran. "Dude, we're gonna be late!"

"Who cares! Haha come on girl!" Shayne's voice trailed off.

The splendor of the magnificent place shocked her. She had never noticed. The trees were exceptionally green and the luscious leaves were spectacular. The air was simply refreshing and Zana loved nature.

"I knew you would love it, Zan. I'll bring a camera here one day and we'll take a picture for keepsake. (:

"Thanks, Shay. It means a lot. Let's go now. We're gonna be late!"

-----------

"Bye Sheena. See you tomorrow! I'll be going to the park for a while."

Zana sat down in the prickly grass alone. Will Shayne be here the next time? She buried her face in her hands and tears ran like a toppled glass of orange juice.
Of course he will be. He promised.

-----------

"I'm sorry Kailey. I need to leave.

"No, Brick. No, no. You can't leave us. Zana needs you. She needs you. She's your..rr child."
Kailey was kneeling and she clung on and wrapped herself around Bricky's legs pathetically.

"Go away. Stop it."

He pushed her and she fell flat. It wasn't the first time she cried.

Zana was at the corner, watching.
-------------

"Zana, are you paying attention?"

"Sorry, Ms Lay."

Shall continue another time!

Shayne looked at her and smiled. She will always remember his smile.

The bell rung and the students quickly exited the classroom.
"You know, you're here but you're never really here. Where are you, really?" Shayne asked.

"I'm in your fantasy.

"Haha, very funny." Shayne attempted to look angry but he was trying to stop his smile from appearing.

"Zannyyy. Haha, stop sticking to Shayne. You inseparable couple. Follow us!" Sheena and Jaye giggled and dragged her away.

------------------
Sheena and Zan decided to go for a girl walk after school.
"Zan, I'm officially in love with the Korean hunk I saw on TV last night! He's so uber cute and oh, like heaven! Hahaha. Save me babe!"

"Haha, are you serious? Hm, he is not real, girl. He is merely commercialized and sold like pretty make up. " Zana replied.

"But he's so cute. You mean you've got someone real?"

Zana stopped abruptly.

"I think I like Shayne."

Silence followed. Sheena stopped walking and turned to Zana.

"Um, I am sorry to burst your bubble. But come on, don't be stupid, he is dating Tay. He won't like you anyway. We were just teasing?"

Zana paused for a slight second, and then burst out laughing.

"Nah, I was just kidding. Haha. April's fool!"

Zana continued laughing and tickled Sheena, but in actual fact, she was extremely hurt.
Shayne. Shayne. Oh nice Shayne.
---------

She walked home alone that day.
"Oh why can't you seeee, you belong with me--"
Zan's beautiful and melodious voice went on playing.

"Why can't you see."

"Why.
Am I gonna be like Mummy?
Daddy left her.
He's not even my Dad.
He doesn't even permit me to call him Dad."

Zana sighed, and she took loud and heavy steps home.
Time to do housework and please Aaron.

2009-11-17T21:08:00.005+08:00

Many people proclaim that writing is an outlet whereby people actually have the opportunity to clearly magnify their emotions.

However, is that actually true?

Many of us actually craft these written words and those unspoken ones are all merely filtered away like the pulp and the orange juice. The juice is delicious and simply delightful. Disputably, some people may actually detest the refreshing scent and texture of the pulp, whereas others may actually consume the pulp with relish. What's the point then?

It is simply the perspective we take.

We have differing stands.

We are DIFFERENT.

We are not alike.
We do not think the same things.
We do not want the same goals.
We do not miss the same things.
We do not share.

We have never shared. It is hard. It is as challenging as taking a volcano rock and likening it to cold fish. Cold fish. Where are you?

You're cold like fish.
We're cold like fish.
We're cold like cold fish.
We are not the same.

Everyone is not like that.
Everyone loves different things.
Some like cold fish, some like hot rocks.
We are merely separate entities.

A memory is a memory.
It can remain.

It's not always about you.
Sometimes it is.
Fishes are not diamonds.
Diamonds. Maybe I like fishes better.
Even with flaws.
But I am lying.

2009-11-02T19:58:00.004+08:00

Why is everyone living in bliss?
They have got everything they can possibly desire.
They've got whatever they want.
Does it happen this easily?
Why do we settle for second best?
It all comes down to where your treasure is.
"If your treasure is up in heaven, then your heart will be there too."

I remember this from the church song.
I am finally freed from Chinese.
Chinese A's were great.
Thanks, Lord.

2009-10-28T00:20:00.004+08:00

I am not a fan of misunderstandings.
Such prejudice should stop.
It will be over soon.

Trust Him.
He will see me through.

We're all like flowers,
stunning till it withers and rots.

2009-10-27T21:04:00.016+08:00

Hello.

Oh yes, by the way, if you actually hear about the "glue" incident. You have to know that my books were stolen, table was scribbled on with insults, money stolen, shoe thrown into pool. ETC ETC at thirteen. Stop claiming I am insane. K thanks. Lol. That's why the venting kz.
Gee, people. Stop being so childish.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're right.
Perhaps I really do display myself as some mindless person that does not give a hoot about anything.
Perhaps you're wrong.
There is a possibility of viewing things in an altered perspective.

Do we really want this.
Do you actually feel things are worthwhile when we get worked up for these "vanity of vanities"?
Do they actually bother processing their thoughts before they speak?
Do they really know those concerned parties?
Do you really present your thoughts?
What do you think that reason is?
WHO do you suppose the veritable reason is?
WHO. Darn it. Lol.

The situation was almost identical, except the circumstances have changed and the location was different.
And it will never be a replica.
Like how we age and venture deeper into the woods of in this case, life?

What did you think then.
I suppose flower's still on your mind.

No surprise. She's just like you.
Shallow and superficial, concerning yourselves with frivolous things I dislike.
But I have dismissed that dislike, and I forgot.
I abhor everything like that.
The dream one doesn't exist anymore.
Everytime I look back, I see what happened.
But we've all grown up. We're not like thirteen anymore.

I haven't had dinner.
I can't wait for the end of A's.

Oh, the birds and the flowers and the trees. Haha. :/

I remember the time I was thirteen, and then I had this crush on this older guy and he dated someone else. Such sweet memories.
I was pretty unattractive then. No surprise. Lol.
And then, there was the fourteen year old stage.
I like memories from my not-in-school fourteen year old life.
Even though I was obnoxious and repulsive, I guess I was still kinda uncorrupted then.
It was really sweet.
Great memories. Haha.
Wish there were results though.
Like, as you advance into adulthood or even as you near independence, you begin to reflect on the past events of your life.
It was really wonderful.
Well, learnt a lot.

If you wanna count this year as seventeen, the lessons learnt list won't be filled yet.
I have yet to learn.
I have to.
Stop being like clingwrap.

Can I be thought of as a person of greater importance.
Halfway done through I & R.
Wish it were six and I could like finish it.
Chinese A's next Mon.

"And love, isn't love, till you give it away"
Love the song.

As much as I will miss you, bye! Gotta do work now.

2009-10-24T00:55:00.005+08:00

Remember the "bread" story?
I like looking at it to jolt myself.
It makes me remember every darn detail.
Sweet!
You must be hungering for it.
What a nice thought and great image.
How humorous.
How laughable.

Goodnight, and your dreams will probably be bitter like you.
I can't wait to overtake you.

Tomorrow's run and schedule.

"Destroy"

Displaced emotions like a broken water bomb that
Leaks onto the furniture and destroys the finish which
was so well plastered on for months without being
altered and I
tear it off and snip it into bite size items.
Destroy.

2009-10-23T21:23:00.001+08:00

I wish I had the time and the capacity to do things I like.
I need the freedom to do so.
I want to be unrestricted and able to have a say in my decisions.
I lead a double life.

2009-10-22T18:24:00.003+08:00

I do not know what nor who it's about.

I should be calm and look at the splendid grass.
Accept it!

Wow, I can't wait for the holidays.
Actually, it would be much better if I had more freedom and did not have to account for anything or get reprimanded for simple things like going out.
Hmm.
School kinda gives me more allowance.

2009-10-22T17:16:00.006+08:00

The promotional exam results were released on Wednesday and thankfully, I have fulfilled the criteria. I really thank my Heavenly Father for it.
I know that it is by his strength because I could have started earlier to have been more prepared, but I did not and started much later. I underwent drastic amounts of pressure and my working environment was not conducive at all with my younger sis attempting to feed me rubber food and screaming at me every moment. Haha, but it was manageable I guess. And I really need a new table. My table is a foldable one people use for picnics. Hence, it is truly by his grace. I must work smart from now on.

Hope my friends are okay.
I care for them a lot and I couldn't do much except offer hugs and words of encouragement.
Really wish them all the best.

Chinese A's are approaching and the year is advancing to an end.
Oral Presentation is also due soon.

Have rejected and omitted all thoughts of the painful happenings for quite a few months.
It resurfaced on Sat night.
Actually, I have to thank you a lot for everything.
No, I was always single if the reader were wondering. Haha.
I hardly write details about my life without engaging some sort of flowery devices to conceal it.
Now, I shan't.

Still, I can recall how much I cried that night at my friend's place, and then we were talking and I miss my friend that has gone abroad.
I need to forgive what you did and not do because of her which you think I probably did not know.
I need to forgive what you did to show everyone you were totally not part of it.
I need to forgive how selfish, heartless and inconsiderate you were.
I need to forgive how I was merely a tool to evoke jealousy.

And I need to forgive and learn.
I should not be angry anymore.

Just wonder if there was actually anything REAL.
Real equals" not made up for certain motives.
Haha.

But it was a pretty painful sight very recently.
Wish I did not have to encounter it.
This encounter has awakened me.

Forgive and Learn.
Haha, "then again, I am heartless" [Quoted from Vaishnavi].
LOL! :D

Every trial has a lesson for me.
I am thankful for acquiring memorable lessons from every experience.
And put NO substantive emotion into anything.
Learnt that.
Put amounts that you can withdraw.
Manipulate your mind to be positive.

Oh yes.
Time to do something meaningful with my life.

2009-10-20T18:03:00.002+08:00

I missed my bus because I was reading the new lit text.
Finished the last pages.
On the way home, I typed into my phone.
I deleted it all.
A phone makes a nice diary.
I thought of countless things that I could blog about when I reached home but at this current moment, nothing seems to be left after passing through the mind's filter.
Haha.
I am home now and the sheer delight of relaxation does not interest me.
My gold ribbon hairband broke when I was rummaging through my bag on Saturday.
Haha, shall ttyl.

2009-10-10T08:44:00.000+08:00

2009-09-21T00:10:00.009+08:00

I hope you'll Make up your mind.

Lessons from each trial solely serve this purpose- to educate.
I hope I'll learn.

Promos in 2 weeks.
Heavenly Father, please guide me.

http://twitter.com/immaculatefancy
http://twitter.com/gohyiling

"Surprise me"

Like the capricious eventide breeze in the season of doom
Characterized by such impulse as it dug its own tomb
Mesmerize me further but withhold the last breadth
Of pure merriment without an inch of suspense

Do not do this.

2009-09-08T17:27:00.003+08:00

Started studying for econs today.
I crafted a timetable and I followed it for the first hour.
The breaks were longer than intended!
It's a good start though.

Haha, do it girl!

I did something not really good again, second time this month.
Not literally though. Haha.
Lol. It's okay. Sorry people.

I am glad for real friends and family.
I must be nicer to my family.
Cooking dinner now. :D
Creamy mushroom spag! :D

2009-09-05T12:29:00.012+08:00

The only thing I care about now is acing my promos.

Why won't they get away.

I am in a queer state now. I stayed up till two plus for no apparent reason and I am really tired at the moment.

I commit bad acts some times, just like her.
And I feel bad, unlike her.

And I am dreadfully tired from it.
As events are past and memories are forgone, days drift on without a momentary pause.

I am extremely tired already.

I hate it- how I give up and then things take a complete turn.
I detest it- how I falter and alter my mindset every time.
I abhor how they like engaging in manipulation, and I am disappointed at how they revert to their old selves time and again.
I dislike how I give in and commit those baneful actions.

And most of all, I like it how we're happy at those temporal moments.
But when I let my guard down you're back to your old self.
But it's okay, you have an impervious shield. :D

People who perpetually have a cynical view about everything put me off in a sad way.
Will my friends be glad one day?

I left and returned, but now,
It's time to leave.

Okay, I have gone. :D Hehe.

I am in control.
I am not gonna participate in mind races.

((:

I'm glad it's a week's break! :D

Now for my gay side,
I love Chuanie, Vaish and Melmel :D :D
------------------------------------------

I think "The Winding Staircase" is damn sad.
Haha. Attempt to put yourself in the person's shoes, engaging in "false merriment".
Well, I did once. Hahaha, sorry I just love my poems. They are my babies. :D

"The loathsome pretense, how she fabricates it herself
The useless endeavors when there was everyone else
How those folks were replete with the blissfulness that couple shared
She engaged in that detested false merriment, like she even Damned cared"

"How those folks were replete with the blissfulness that couple shared
Their enviable gladness, Like she even Damned cared
She was sobbing uncontrollably, this They will never know
The sympathetic wails, engulfing her very soul"

"The winding staircase, the splendid place to hide
Those blessed people below will never know her plight"

And
"Her imperishable smile she adopts once more"

Haha, those depressing moments I once went through!
Lol, but it's over.

How nice.
I love smiles.
They hide everything.
But they are genuine now. (:
I do not hide things anymore.
Haha! :D

2009-09-03T21:48:00.001+08:00

Yay! I won something.
I am extremely happy.
I am a budding poet! YAYYYYYY. Hahahaha.
Gotta go up and collect something tomorrow.
Read my poem! :DD

"The Winding Staircase"

Trivial things that made her day
A winsome smile that took countless breaths away
Like the sun that perpetually sets in the west
The flirtatious ways that constantly kept her in unrest

She once cared though currently it is overwhelming to mention
The competition and how she abhorred the rising tension
Time was when she previously had her way
Conversely right now she will not have her say

The winsome smile she abominates the most
How it manages to entice the ones she loved and lost
Utterly useless, she feigns her euphoria
Till she cannot stand it any longer, she flees and tears

The loathsome pretense, how she fabricates it herself
The useless endeavors when there was everyone else
How those folks were replete with the blissfulness that couple shared
She engaged in that detested false merriment, like she even Damned cared

Your pathetic smiles and your feigned concern
Utterly repulsive like a withered fern
Too much this time, She wholly breaks down
She sprints up the stairs and the piercing tears; the results of what she has sown

How those folks were replete with the blissfulness that couple shared
Their enviable gladness, Like she even Damned cared
She was sobbing uncontrollably, this They will never know
The sympathetic wails, engulfing her very soul

The winding staircase, the splendid place to hide
Those blessed people below will never know her plight
She was done with self-pity, nothing will be alright
She wipes away the piercing tears and retreats to their side

Her imperishable smile she adopts once more
Not in any condition will they catch a glimpse of her heart, still sore
Like the sun that perpetually sets in the west
His repellent ways that constantly kept her at her best

Her knowledge surpasses yours, She knows better than you
What you have lost this time is more than just a glimpse of her view
Eradicate the hatred, perish the pernicious thought
And it was not too long before she forgot

She pens this down for you to visualize
The countless ways that you could actually compromise

2009-08-29T23:23:00.001+08:00

The promotional exams are nearing and I am not prepared at the moment.
I just wish people would learn to trust and stop exacting revenge due to certain perceived notions.

Girls like you, why?

It's okay. This is merely being human. (:
We all learn one day.
Maybe not all.

I look forward to the December holidays! :D

2009-08-17T19:22:00.006+08:00

Taking a walk after dinner and inhaling the refreshing air truly is revitalizing. A prayer tops it off. I am thankful for true friends.
I should do this more frequently. I should pray unceasingly. Thank you, Lord.

K, I copied this off. Haha! Twitter is so convenient. Yup, really grateful for everything the Lord has bestowed on me. The eventide breeze and scenery is simply uplifting in a queer manner. The air was strangely familiar but yet, it felt really foreign. I will do this frequently.

---

I am really relieved that there is finally a closure. (:
It has always been my dream to settle every misunderstanding including those from years ago.

------
Thanks Colin Chen.
I really feel the need to thank you.
Haha, you've really been an awesome buddy.
I don't usually do this but I am doing this now.
You spoke up for me and I can totally reply on you!
Haha and YOU'LL READ THIS SO I WANT MY PIZZA! :D

Hahaha, have fun in land of torture soon where your hair will be gone like the leaves of yesterday.

----

PLEASE BE POSITIVE, EVERYONE!
Deprecatory remarks will only hurt you if you allow your impenetrable state to falter.
Thus, you must be strong and happy.

2009-08-15T14:19:00.014+08:00

http://www.howtobehappy.org/happybook.pdf

It is a free E-book.
PLEASE FULLY UTILISE Great materials TO MAXIMISE PROFITS.

"“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
-Jesus Christ, while hanging on the cross"

"Love is the strongest positive emotion. Love is what drives individuals to
noble deeds. Love allows the spirit to push on against incredible odds,
hardships and obstacles. Always love your fellow human beings and have
compassion, in spite of the frustrations you encounter."

“Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.”
-William Shakespeare

"Remember, your tape wants you to repeat your past and will not give up
without a fight. Be patient. Be determined. Stick to your game plan.

Before going to sleep, talk to your tape. Tell it how you want to
respond in the future to the facts that upset you during the day. After a while,
your tape will help you in your battle to change your emotional response to
facts as you become less angry, and your anger lasts for shorter periods of
time."

THIS IS, THE BEST SOURCE EVER.
PLEASE READ THE LATER PARTS.
You may skip the intro.

I have quoted some parts.

"Fears are based on imagined scenarios that may or may not happen.
Most imagined fears never happen. Below are some quotes to illustrate this
point:
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”
-Franklin D. Roosevelt"

" I’m sure you have heard the expression that money can’t buy you
happiness. The reason this is true is because true and lasting happiness
always comes from within. Yet, many individuals depend on things outside
of themselves to make them happy. How about you? "

This does not mean that we do not pamper ourselves and spend money on luxury products. It merely means that we must take care of our emotional well being too instead of upholding the notion that purchasing costly products will make us glad.

" If you want to reduce or eliminate your dependency on things outside
of yourself to make you happy, structure your life so you can generate your
excitement and happiness from within. The great thing about internal
happiness is that it doesn’t cost you any money to acquire it and no one,
except yourself, can ever take it away from you.

How does one create internal happiness from within? It is very easy to
do if you think about it. If you want to be happy, all you have to do is stop
thinking about yourself and help others. The less you think about yourself
and the more you help others, the happier you will become. This is a fact.

Why do I make this claim with such certainty? The reason is because
your brain secretes positive chemicals corresponding to your positive
emotions. When you help someone, you are being generous with your time
and personal resources. You are being brave because you are not afraid of
losing out while you are helping someone else, instead of yourself. Plus, you
experience the feeling of love and well being when you help someone."

Yeah, I research on stuff like that.
Psychology is so interesting. :D

" Also, the more honest and positive you become; the less stress you will
experience in your life. Do you know how great it makes you feel when you
know that you always do the right thing and you are here to help others? If
you don’t know, I’ll tell you. It puts a big smile on your face and makes your
spirit glow inside. People can even see it in your eyes. "

"When these fears
entered my mind, I eliminated them by changing my focus from being
concerned about the future outcome of a shark attack that only existed in my
mind or imagination to one that I chose.
I chose to surround myself with a white light for protection from
sharks and swim in peace without fear. If you don’t know what the white
light is, raise your chemistry and you will experience it yourself. The white
light is a positive energy that can guide and protect you.

You can focus on the present task at hand, protection or help from God
or a Higher Power in the form of a white light, or you can clear your mind of
all thoughts by not thinking and allowing your subconscious to act on
instinct. All it takes is training until changing your focus becomes second
nature or instinctive."

2009-08-14T20:09:00.005+08:00

YiLing had the most relaxing day ever in months.
The facial and the massage was awesome and I fell asleep because I was totally exhausted!
Tomorrow will be a resplendent day because the sun is perpetually bright.
HAHAHAHA.

The diamantez on my hair clasp thing is not obedient. They are falling off one BYE one. Haha, time to fully utilise my other clips and maiximize profits! Lol.

I LOVE STUDYING!
I love econs.
My teacher is a great teacher. Hahahhaa.
I may wanna take up econs in the future.

You may follow me @immaculatefancy on twitter.
It is locked.

Have a great day and always believe in yourself!
Tell yourself that YOU WILL SUCCEED.
YOU ARE ABLE TO DO IT.
YOU ARE CAPABLE.
Believe and put in the efforts.
You will near your goals.

2009-08-04T21:24:00.002+08:00

"Faces of Dices"

Beings are like dices that are crafted with a smile
Thrown around like sloppy shirts that can't resist a shove
And sheets of scribbled rough papers that are thrown into a file
Illustrates how the one in confinement felt when thrown into a stove

Burning, decomposing and disintegrating into ash
It would definitely be stunning when fixed into a sash

2009-08-01T09:24:00.016+08:00

Yiling Goh is taking part in "AJC POETRY COMPETITION" WITH A GRAND TOTAL OF 24 POEMS. HAHAHAHA. This is like writting in black and white- "Hi, My name is GYL and I am a bookworm." I think they will die reading that many poems.

LOL I JUST REALISED SOMETHING.
THERE IS AN UNINTENTIONAL PUN IN MY POEM.

Stranger

Impeccable complexion and gorgeous flowing hair
She touches up her made up face with extraordinary care
Pouting lips that are full of hope, Coruscating eyes that seem to glow
She ambles pass the unknown stranger and his gaze shifted low

Endless legs that greeted him enticed him at every angle
This enthralling stranger has ambushed him in a tangle
Her inviting gait was welcoming him this very second
And he did not even seem to mind that he had died in her hands

Lol. It makes sense now.
Like, the literal dying and also in the sexual sense.
COOL!

I HAVE TWITTER NOW.
HAHAHAHA. It is addictive.
Add me and see if I will accept you. :D

I'll give you a clue.
It is made up of two words and the first adjective is a synonym for perfect.
The second word is very boring and it is a synonym for like.

You can try http://thesaurus.reference.com/
It is my favourite website alongside thefreedictionary.com

Hence, you can learn new words and tell your "trophy" gf
"I adore you" because you're my idol.
"I fancy you" because you're so shiny.
"I admire you" because you're awesome.
"I appreciate you" for your actions are truly admirable.

instead of saying ILY every single day when you don't mean it.
And she is like probably awfully sick of you already because she has to play it nice and reciprocate by uttering the same clause.

Now, you can change your clause!

Moreover, You can tell her.
"You are flawless" because you have darn good skin!
"You are immaculate" because you're white like snow.
"You are complete" when you get laid.
(I kid.)

And a lot of other dumb adjectives for no girl will actually
TRUST a guy who says "YOU'RE PERFECT!"

LOL.
I am a high-tech nerd, you see.
I read online dictionaries.

I am laughing at my own posts.
Lolz.

Bye sweets! :D
GYL shall go running now.

2009-07-29T21:58:00.002+08:00

I hope I am fine.
I threw up today and yesterday and my chest area contracted.
It has been going on for ages.
Please pray for me!
Thanks, goodbye.

2009-07-25T11:49:00.006+08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I WANNAA SCREAMMMMMMMMM.

I FEEEELLL EXTREMELY HORRID.

I was merely one part of a whole.

No wonder. It makes sense now.

I do it anyway. Who can I blame.

I should be a nerd without a life. Nahz.

I can't wait for the December Holidays.

YAY LIFE. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Stop it.
Okay goodbye.

2009-07-24T22:56:00.003+08:00

The Last Memorial Hall

The melody and the harmonious verses sting my thoughts
As I glance at the reflective clouds like drenched droughts
Utterly cemented onto the frame of the forsaken and lone
Reveling in the snapshots of the merriment that once shone

Traversing the river that never seems to pause
Mirroring the repulsiveness of the unspoken clause
Flashbacks making comebacks as pictures on the wall
Rotting and decomposing in the last memorial hall

HAHAHAHA ANALYSE! YAY!
Perhaps you will be able to dissect my poem.
OKAY I WANT TO SLEEP NOW GOODBYE.

2009-07-24T19:34:00.008+08:00

I am totally exhausted and waiting to start on PW again. ):
Sigh, it really takes up your life.
I stare at the illuminated screen and my mind is not lightened.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhh. Whyyyy.

Why are there two different fronts. Why. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
I AM DARN SAD, YOU KNOW.
I am like, extremely upset and affected and dejected and annoyed and exhausted and worn out and I wanna sleep.
I stare at the leaves and ponder about my altered life.
Why, I do not comprehend.
I detest change. Yes, I simply adore remaining in my comfort zone.

AHHHHHHHH I WANNA SLEEP NOWWWWW.
I HATE WORKKKKKK.
I WANT TO SLEEEEEEPPPPP.

They state that I smile too much and it is not how I feel most times.
I admit it is partially true. I merely am making an attempt to look nice. Hahahahaha.
What else, at least I made an endeavor.

I hate stalkers.
Hello, stalker.
Stop stalking me.
Yes, you have my "ylgalz" email.
Whatever. Get a cyber life.
I like stalks but I abhor stalkers.
Thanks.

Sigh, I shall compose a poem to maximize my allowance for the furtherance of my creativity. Lolz.

The melody and the harmonious verses sting my thoughts
As I glance at the reflective clouds like drenched droughts

2009-07-23T19:21:00.006+08:00

Ennui sets in too frequently and it causes you to actually ponder about the various activities going on in your hectic life. One word simply sums up all that I must glorify in my overcrowded mind even though I would adore to actually write a whole script.

Presenting to you my short-term goal.

"Study."

LOLz.
Hahahaha Yes, I like colourfulz language cuz I am not a Science student. Hahaha. Sighz.

I have made up my mind.
I shall please my teachers and first of all, I'll start by doing my cheena homework tonight.
I am dreadfully sorry, lao shi.
I know you do not believe me.

If only I could work without sleep and not seek my bed whenever I am crestfallen feel awfully dejected.

I just stopped my < 1 hour nap.
Time for work in half an hour, dudez.

2009-07-22T17:36:00.005+08:00

I feel like forgetting it at times.
After all, what do I strive for?
I have attempted too hard anyway, and the actions displayed for my view simply is heart wrenching.

What evz.

I have been consuming chocs three days in a row. Haha.
Oh, Kinder Bueno does not make you happy when you're dejected.
There is too much cream and insufficient chocs to release endorphins to please me.
You can try something else like Cadbury or Van Houtten. Hahaha.

I am in control.

When it was pouring earlier today, I felt really despondent and my eyes felt moist.
Not drenched.
What the hell for.
And you are that ironical.
If you stop.

Get moving.

2009-07-22T17:16:00.007+08:00

2009-07-16T22:19:00.016+08:00

Trivial things that made her day
A winsome smile that took countless breaths away

Nahz, not so much so. Haha!
Too many walls! It still is the same reason, the inability to overcome the teenage past.

There is not a single significant reason to persist in this siege.
I have to like, get the nail polish remover and decompose the cement on the brick walls.
Queer imagery. Haha.
Sure, there are many reasons but definitely negligible and unworthy.
There are simply too many obstacles to encounter and it is simply not worth it.

I detest loitering around.
I wanna get what I want.
It is all about the goals.
Haha, fine! Quote me, whatever. Haha.

People are way too selfish and self-centered, only indulging in themselves and refusing to extend a helping hand when you're upset.
Time to open up and accept it. Everyone is perhaps just like that, human nature. Sighz.
Choices are meant to be made anyway. It is their own right. (:

I was nice. I wanna be friends with everyone if it may be.

This world is so desolate but there is something to be happy about.
My mirror!

No, not really.
Haha, oh.
I like stalks but I abhor stalkers.
I want new make up, like, the Shiseido blusher in this colour.
I CAN'T FIND IT ONLINE.
I WANNA FIND THE PICTURE.

You can buy soft orange for me and send it to my home.
I found some random website.
Go google 'Shiseido Blusher'.
I don't know the colour I am currently using. I cannot find it online.
It has red undertones and it isn't disgustingly pink like those the cheap slutsz I-see-everywhere wear. I mean like, no offense offensively. :D

Gross makeup is an abhorrence to the modern society! :D
Like, I totally should make the overly white faces up.
Do people not know that a whiter foundation only highlights and ITALICIZES (LOL) your flaws?

Haha, use the correct foundation shade! :D
Ask the salesgirl or something.

I feel extremely tired now. I honestly need a long break.
I shall complete my EOM tomorrow. Stress gets to my head.

I must cool down. (: Yes. Sigh.

And actually, I think I had h1n1. Like, the whole family was infected with fever, persistent cough etc and so were the cousins! The source is Sentosa.
Can you quarantine me?

I found out that I love stuffing myself with chocolates in the dark when I am depressed. Interesting.

I can't model anymore.
I need to study.

Yup, and it is over for now.