After reading it, I edited much and changed it all to joyful things.
Is that what I do all the time, make everything out to be blessed and happy?
I think that's my coping mechanism, and it really works.
Haha, you should try it!

This post is not very nice. Well, I have to let it out anyway.
I don't wanna become insane.
I changed all the words after I wrote it all down.

I really hope you cease to exist now. I have forgiven you too many times. You are really unbelievable.
You know, my posts were all cheery and forgiving, optimistic and loving, but not this one.
Enough with words that blasts your violent nature (i.e. threatening words) and scolding her with words like why we aren't doing this and that for you and controlling others. Enough of the abuse and psychological damage. I don't even feel anything for you, except dislike sometimes, which is bad, because it shows that you affect my life.
Darn! I need to master the art of the lack of emotion!
Haha, yeah but after a while I usually get used to it and start being nice again.

I need to feel nothing for you.
Okay, occasional concern when you're nice.

You're insane and I really dislike returning to whatever place you're in.
I always forget, and then when something happens, I remember why I avoided being around in the first place. Is that selective memory, that I always forget what happens, only the joyous things?
You deserve to be alone, with none of us. You verbally abuse us whenever we're just sitting around and make out your pathetic deeds to be so great. LOL.
Haha, but now when I edit this after my anger has subsided, I see less suffering.
And you made him a miniature version of you.
LOL.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

I have forgiven you too much,
yet I am so forgiving.
I forget it after a while.
You know why? All because it makes me happy and live without a care.
Good that it only affects me momentarily,
but it has affected her too much.
I need to help her.

Okay I'm off to study. (:
I love econs.
I AM HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.
YAY.
Darn, I need privacy.

Haha, so anyway, I didn't get to re-do my NAFPA because that would mean that I'd have to retake 2.4km. Hence, I shall stick with the almost perfect score. Haha. (:
Well, at least other people will achieve it for me.

Actually, after writing all that anger down, I am very tempted to delete it all away because it is evidence that I was upset once. I do not like negativity, but we do need to let it manifest itself in words, don't we? We need someone to read it, to make it become real, so that someone can understand the plight we're in. I know other people go through this too, perhaps even worse fates.

Well, I'm off to study soon!

What is the extent of harm you will inflict upon the one you supposedly love?
Would you go through his personal things, attain information you want about him through despicable means, or haunt him online by undertaking some anonymous role?

I find all that really infuriating, and I feel that the actions you're adopting on him, my friend, is not very wise, and I wish I had control for myself too. Yet control is elusive, and freedom is not near at the moment. Is choice the only reason for success? Does choice equate to happiness? Perhaps the elimination of choice serves as a mode of stability, and it abolishes all need to blame and all reason to care. It keeps us in a comfort zone.

Yet I am happy everyday, or as much as I attempt to be. To be in this mode serves as a comfort zone, and it protects and it nourishes, and it assists you in going on this road of life.

Happy, all because I am in control and those stupid, DAMNED negative people can just screw off. Seriously.

Is there romantic love? I see no love but lust, and it will remain that way. People own and people have control, and they lose the attraction they once had and there is no love but just familiarity. Humans tend to prefer something known to them, and something they can rely on. Does that mean we're not open to choices?

Is this my way of comfort?

I would like to have the whole world, but would the whole world accept change? What is change. Change is something out of the blue, unexpected, unlikable, undesirable, unwanted. Unwanted.
People do not like different things.

Closed society,
yet we learn to adapt.

And we're safe.

And we're all happy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Haha okay, watched some motivational thing again.
YES.

I changed my mind. I believe in the law of attraction, again.
I get the things I believe. (:
Yes.

POSITIVE. POSITIVE.
IGNORE.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Haha okay enough of the serious talk.
I wanna do those guy pull-ups man.
I wanna be stronger.
I can go up halfway already.

I will protect myself.

Too many choice, and too many things to believe in.
Security is essential for success,
and only I determine success.
Do not let anyone in. (:

Shall share with you my experience for NAPFA. It may sound perhaps senseless to you
that I actually care about it a lot, but well, I like such stuff. (:

For yesterday, I obtained a fault jump for standing broad jump three times and got zero. Hence, it was a failure.
I was really so upset that I just cried a few times because I always did well for it and got A.
I just could not do it. There was a factor that contributed to that failure and it was the lack of trust in the Lord that He'll see me through any obstacle.

However, for today, I prayed and I got what I wanted. :D I just trusted Him.
Really thank the Lord! He works miracles. ((:
He always helps us in time of need.

Actually, what I wish to proclaim is that no matter what, we just have to be dependent on him and place all our trust in Him. He'll see us through.
Thanks for the encouraging words.

Haha, I'm gonna make this a personal post and ramble on about what I wish to achieve like how normal people blog.

Almost got A for inclined pull-ups though. 2 more of it. They're more strict in this school. Had 29/30 overall.
I am almost there in terms of reaching a perfect score, MY DREAM as mentioned in my previous post. It is my dream and I will achieve it!! Shall train for it.
I am going to carry more weights and I am a tough girl man. (See the irony?)
Shall retake it on Wed. :DD Hahaha.

"Translated"

There is an essence of time that causes humans to forget,
to conjure a false memory or to eradicate the long forgotten,
to the extent of utter delusion,
like nothing happened,
disremembered,
obliterated,
as though a complete removal would translate the present
into a fairytale,
with damned happy endings,
with a beautiful prince and a handsome princess,
with a brick house constructed by their unfailing love, that tumbled
when the wolf went down the chimney,
and when the princess shrieked in fear,
and the prince died of shock and
left her yet alone.
These are the happy endings we all yearn for.
Don't we all?

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Roleplay"

If life were a stage,
and we were all her clowns,
who manipulated the audience's emotions
with our carefully crafted scripts,
who are the real clowns?

If life were a stage,
and the ticket for the perpetual performance were a dollar and half cents,
with our personal selection of scenes,
would you have stayed to watch?

If life were a stage,
and I knew you were watching me,
would you still have done what you did?
------------------------------------------

Haha, I am gonna be really random now but the poem prize I won last year was commendation one, not a consolation! ): Haha, so I am not in a sports cca, and I don't take part in competitions and stuff, so winning something consoled me slightly. (:

Yeah, thanks. Haha, yeah, and I submitted all the soppy sad stuff which I composed when I was bored, which amounted to a lot. Poor teachers!

I suppose writing is an outlet whereby we verbalise what we usually store up, in case we explode because of frustration one day. Yet I filter out tons of info, and I alter it to please the internet.
I have always abhorred the phrases that declare lovey dovey emotions and stuff, and I really dislike writing "I miss you" on blog posts and stuff. Everyone writes them everywhere!

Yet, we are all human and we all will miss someone, friend or lover, but the mere act of proclaiming it on websites and stuff only makes you appear desperate for love, but we all need love.
Yet, missing is normal, and I miss so many people and things.
I miss the people who have left the world, the friends who have deserted me, the state of being free, the opportunities I had, the youth we all had once, and the very pleasant memories.

I am so weird. I am just rambling on and on.
I wish I loved writing as much as I used to.

Last year, I could just write on and on without feeling false.
Now, I just write on so that I can feel better.

I am happy.

Oh, I wanna get perfect score for NAPFA man.
This is my last shot at it.
Have carried weights and stuff since last year. Hope it pays off. I'm a strong girl!

Infatuation is merely a cover. It gets you over other things.

Do you know, that we can manipulate ourselves easily?
If you keep feeding yourself with the statement that you can't get over it,
you shall be stuck in quicksand and be drenched by your self-fulfilling prophesy.

Hence, we shall live on.

"Infatuation"

Those first few glances irked me
but when you drew closer, I saw that gleam in
those eyes, those understanding windows,
a turbulent rush of emotions,
sorrow amongst many, windows
to another entity altogether.

You remind me of someone
I once knew.

But people tend to like the same kind of people,
not for the people they once knew.

Those defined jaws of strength, and that
euphoria and those moments of sheer joy.
That period redefined the list that made the mark.
That late afternoon, when you wore that simple shirt,
nothing to distract me from your kind smile.

Or was it the attention you gave that drew me?
Those understanding windows.
Repeatedly, until we were attuned to each other.
Distinct individuals with small moments of eye contact.

I saw you again.
And that friendly smile,
and a reciprocal smile.

If I only I really knew you.
And if you knew what my smile meant.

----------------

Hahaha! This is such a super mushy poem.
It is my first blissful poem if my memory serves me right.
I have not done posts in that dreary manner in a pretty long time.
Just read a reading that many writers suffer from depression and mental instabilities.
It is probably due to the perpetual need to be sorrowful in order to compose an impressive piece of work.

I should be studying!
I love to study. I am a bookworm.

I feel so formal.
Hahaha.
And yeah, I just read the "Yes, Now I remember" poem and I do realise something.
Yeah. (: Haha, be glad for good memories.

What is love actually?
There are countless kinds of love, and the greatest of all is Agape love that God gives to us.

Is Lust love?
Hmm.
------

Little actions.
Your reactions.
Humans!

I'm quite sad now. I see pictures of other models and how they have the freedom and parental approval. I should know it's God's will that I was not allowed to sign the contract with the agency last year. But I see pretty well-known models from that agency and I feel quite disappointed. Okay. You are a student. You're 18. Think when you really hit 18 after your A's! Yes, and I so agree that models are not stick-thin. Come on, not all people can be anorexic or bulimic just so that you can admire their bones. Of course skinny beautiful people look nice, but do skinny ugly people look nice? I think size 4-6 is okay. I am against being size 0 though. And yes, I do nmot really bother following trends and all and since I am not allowed to sign a contract, I can only do limited work. It is quite sad. You know you have the opportunity, you know people have to start young, but maybe there are greater opportunities. Perhaps you'll get a better agency, or maybe a better job. How about a practical one like a teacher? I do not know at this point in time.

Currently obsessing over Taiwanese Drama "Down with Love", starring Jerry Yan and Ella Chen. They have great chemistry and an interview highlighted the physical intimacy between them. Aww. (: Wish they were together. Okay, so I am spazzing out over Taiwan shows like a Secondary Sch girl I used to be. Well, JC kids can relax too. It is just that Arts students usually prefer things like books or fashion, or perhaps even music? People are different. This blog post is unlike the rest too. I am going on and on about what I am thinking about instead of thinking.
Okay gtg.

I am really traumatized now. I shouldn't have watched the video of The Chinese skinning the dog alive. Darn it. Why didn't the cameraman stop that cruel guy from skinning the dog? Is it for the sake of people watching the video so that they can put a stop to such a trade?

I really, really regret watching it. I feel extremely traumatized. I am just staring into space. Darn it arghhh.

They use the fur for stupid things like SOFT TOYS?

Please sign the online petition!
http://animalsaviors.org/

This is the video.
Do not watch it if you're afraid of how graphic it is.

If you watch it, I don't think you'll wanna buy those toys again.
That's better though.

I'm just so angry at the cameraman. I know they wish to spread awareness but couldn't he have just stopped this one more dog from getting tortured and left to die?

Grrr.

"Yes, now I remember"

I thought she said it was over.
Over means to be on top of,
to be past something.

Yet she views you from behind.
What familiarity, yet so
Foreign, like a decayed leaf on the ground,
disconnected from the branch, and the tree-
its source of life.

It's not the same.
It has been chemically modified, and we know
that according to its law, it cannot be altered.
It cannot.

I thought she said it was over.
Yes, now I remember.

I keep deleting what I type here. It's like your mind has this coffee bag filter or something.
I think.

The A's are approaching.
I constantly tell myself that and I feel really stressed but I'm gonna relax. Take a step at a time.
Should be studying now. I feel perpetually tired. I think it is the stress. I sleep really early.

I wish I could do more to help.
If only I had the capabilities.
And if only I had the time.

I dreamt that I was in a game sorta battle in mid-air at least sixty stories up.
There were those orange and dark blue tubes and I was gonna fall off already.
They were going to crush me or something. And I saw a giant Oreo. Haha!
Must have watched "American Gladiator" too much.
Spend your time wisely!
Haha.

It's the time of the month where I feel extremely moody again and then question the existence of life.
I have to keep reminding myself that it is merely the result of hormones in your body.
Darn it! (: Smile manz.

Was singing karaoke at the top of my voice. Poor neighbours.
I am happy!
The park exploration with my friend was good. It really made me unwind. Visited Mama after that. I wish I could spend more time with her. I wish she would smile more. I think she thinks I am silly. Haha. Perhaps I try to hard to make amends. I constantly remind myself that it could be the last time I am seeing her and so I tell them I love them every time. They should think I am nuts. I don't even do that to my parents.

Ever since my mum's mother departed from this Earth, I told myself I had to love the remaining grandparents more. I used to cry in the middle of the night in bed to make myself feel remorse. I am thankful that she accepted Christ before she died though. I was in YF camp that year in Sec 1. I was this stupid little kid who thought it was a waste of time to visit her since she could not even open her eyes to see me. Or I just did not want to remember a bad image of her. I remembr she taught me how to fold a paper crane. I knew she was dying then. I miss her. Oh man. I should stop thinking of sad things. No one is as sad as her daughter though. I know why.

But it's over! Life goes on and she's blissfully in heaven. I know with assurance that I will see her there when I go there. I have been a bad girl though. I have many transgressions that I feel ashamed of. But I have prayed that I will forgive myself, and I have. Hope others can forgive me too.
==================================================================

Oh yeah.

People always judge the pictures and things.
They do not know what I have to go through.
Wish they wouldn't be so close-minded. Come on, it's the new century!
I just gotta deal with it man.
Admit some pics were ugly though hahaha.

I wanna make friends and not foes. It isn't a nice feeling.

Everyday is a new day. (:
Live on of Him.