I'm quite sad now. I see pictures of other models and how they have the freedom and parental approval. I should know it's God's will that I was not allowed to sign the contract with the agency last year. But I see pretty well-known models from that agency and I feel quite disappointed. Okay. You are a student. You're 18. Think when you really hit 18 after your A's! Yes, and I so agree that models are not stick-thin. Come on, not all people can be anorexic or bulimic just so that you can admire their bones. Of course skinny beautiful people look nice, but do skinny ugly people look nice? I think size 4-6 is okay. I am against being size 0 though. And yes, I do nmot really bother following trends and all and since I am not allowed to sign a contract, I can only do limited work. It is quite sad. You know you have the opportunity, you know people have to start young, but maybe there are greater opportunities. Perhaps you'll get a better agency, or maybe a better job. How about a practical one like a teacher? I do not know at this point in time.

Currently obsessing over Taiwanese Drama "Down with Love", starring Jerry Yan and Ella Chen. They have great chemistry and an interview highlighted the physical intimacy between them. Aww. (: Wish they were together. Okay, so I am spazzing out over Taiwan shows like a Secondary Sch girl I used to be. Well, JC kids can relax too. It is just that Arts students usually prefer things like books or fashion, or perhaps even music? People are different. This blog post is unlike the rest too. I am going on and on about what I am thinking about instead of thinking.
Okay gtg.

I am really traumatized now. I shouldn't have watched the video of The Chinese skinning the dog alive. Darn it. Why didn't the cameraman stop that cruel guy from skinning the dog? Is it for the sake of people watching the video so that they can put a stop to such a trade?

I really, really regret watching it. I feel extremely traumatized. I am just staring into space. Darn it arghhh.

They use the fur for stupid things like SOFT TOYS?

Please sign the online petition!
http://animalsaviors.org/

This is the video.
Do not watch it if you're afraid of how graphic it is.

If you watch it, I don't think you'll wanna buy those toys again.
That's better though.

I'm just so angry at the cameraman. I know they wish to spread awareness but couldn't he have just stopped this one more dog from getting tortured and left to die?

Grrr.

"Yes, now I remember"

I thought she said it was over.
Over means to be on top of,
to be past something.

Yet she views you from behind.
What familiarity, yet so
Foreign, like a decayed leaf on the ground,
disconnected from the branch, and the tree-
its source of life.

It's not the same.
It has been chemically modified, and we know
that according to its law, it cannot be altered.
It cannot.

I thought she said it was over.
Yes, now I remember.

I keep deleting what I type here. It's like your mind has this coffee bag filter or something.
I think.

The A's are approaching.
I constantly tell myself that and I feel really stressed but I'm gonna relax. Take a step at a time.
Should be studying now. I feel perpetually tired. I think it is the stress. I sleep really early.

I wish I could do more to help.
If only I had the capabilities.
And if only I had the time.

I dreamt that I was in a game sorta battle in mid-air at least sixty stories up.
There were those orange and dark blue tubes and I was gonna fall off already.
They were going to crush me or something. And I saw a giant Oreo. Haha!
Must have watched "American Gladiator" too much.
Spend your time wisely!
Haha.

It's the time of the month where I feel extremely moody again and then question the existence of life.
I have to keep reminding myself that it is merely the result of hormones in your body.
Darn it! (: Smile manz.

Was singing karaoke at the top of my voice. Poor neighbours.
I am happy!
The park exploration with my friend was good. It really made me unwind. Visited Mama after that. I wish I could spend more time with her. I wish she would smile more. I think she thinks I am silly. Haha. Perhaps I try to hard to make amends. I constantly remind myself that it could be the last time I am seeing her and so I tell them I love them every time. They should think I am nuts. I don't even do that to my parents.

Ever since my mum's mother departed from this Earth, I told myself I had to love the remaining grandparents more. I used to cry in the middle of the night in bed to make myself feel remorse. I am thankful that she accepted Christ before she died though. I was in YF camp that year in Sec 1. I was this stupid little kid who thought it was a waste of time to visit her since she could not even open her eyes to see me. Or I just did not want to remember a bad image of her. I remembr she taught me how to fold a paper crane. I knew she was dying then. I miss her. Oh man. I should stop thinking of sad things. No one is as sad as her daughter though. I know why.

But it's over! Life goes on and she's blissfully in heaven. I know with assurance that I will see her there when I go there. I have been a bad girl though. I have many transgressions that I feel ashamed of. But I have prayed that I will forgive myself, and I have. Hope others can forgive me too.
==================================================================

Oh yeah.

People always judge the pictures and things.
They do not know what I have to go through.
Wish they wouldn't be so close-minded. Come on, it's the new century!
I just gotta deal with it man.
Admit some pics were ugly though hahaha.

I wanna make friends and not foes. It isn't a nice feeling.

Everyday is a new day. (:
Live on of Him.

Last year in AJ.
Currently not used to studying so often and attempting to do some work everyday.
Hols were great.
Open house was pretty interesting.
More people than I imagined came.

Glad I got to talk to some people again.
I really like the feeling of having light conversations and forgetting past faults.

YF camp last year, or in fact, a few weeks ago was extremely encouraging.
It made me realise that I have been committing many acts that were not glorifying at all.
Pictures. Stuff. Character.
Gonna change that a step at a time.

I learnt that God is truly the one that extends to us the joy of happiness.
I am no longer happy doing stuff I did before like that worldly part time thing.
I'm not glad anymore, just doing.
There is lack of joy.
It feels very horrid, like I am just doing it merely to do it.
And I get unhappy when I brood over certain matters that I did wrong in the past, attempting to forgive myself for the events I allowed myself to be exposed to when I could have not taken part in, and then telling myself it is long over, and then feeling sad once in a while.

Geeeeeez. It's a happy day! Balloons for Interact, made special ones for Vaish and Chuanie. (: Hahahaa.

Home pretty early. Legs sore from walking.
Gonna do work.

This is mainly for girls and also for guys.
Haha it's not a nice topic and I don't know who reads my blog anymore but yeah.
Sorry, I just need to vent it out so if you don't like reading about this, please ignore it.

Just saw a link about molest! Go and see it.
It really helps you to psychologically prepare and PROTECT YOURSELF.
Keep something in your bag that can fend off attackers but won't get you into trouble.

When I was in primary and secondary school, I encountered a lot of cases including myself being the victim and also my friends being victims. The predator always gets away with it because we dare not say something about it. They just always got away!

AND. They can be anyone. There was once when a group of teenage boys who attacked me at Hougang Mall in early Sec Three.

There was even a worker at the petrol kiosk station in Malaysia. And Disneyland, with his kid there. It's not safe at all anywhere. Some were even like in their twenties? There is no stereotype. You girls should keep pepperspray in your bag.

Then I kept playing it in my mind for days and blaming myself all the time for it. Then I tried to sleep so I would forget it. I wish I could always have done something about it. It's so bad that up till now, I am still very paranoid everywhere I go and keep a distance from men in public places.

And I regret not being able to help my friends too when I actually SEE it happening. I even witnessed it being done to other women and I did not help on at least three occasions. I regret it terribly now. Therefore, protect yourself! Always watch your back and beware when someone swings his hand too close.

I was on the way to church and this foreign man was swinging his hand towards me and I jumped away and glared at him and prevented it. It happened at the MRT station. Please be careful girls! And remember, speak up immediately!

But yeah, I try to forgive them after a while because I always just got angry about it and I never felt good. Prevention is better than cure though!

I went to visit a certain Home today.
I am rather shaken by what is going to happen.
Since no one wanted to go, I went by myself.
I really missed them.
When I got into touch with what was happening, I was extremely upset.

They were going to send on resident away to another Home against her own will.

I know what it is like with countless homes.
They do not treat them like Humans. They are merely treated as numbers.
I have SEEN the way they speak to the residents.

The resident cried to me, and I felt helpless.
All I could do was merely touch her shoulder and hand and offer my words of encouragement.
Please pray for them and do visit and help in Homes if you can, especially during the holidays.

Would you rather waste your life away on Booze and parties? What does clubbing do in any way to aid you?
You will only end up drunk and screwed.
Sorry, I hate drinking.
Please help the less fortunate.
Thanks.
A drop in the ocean or a hay in a haystack makes a difference.

Honestly, can you imagine being in the same surroundings every single day?
Now being the holidays, I already cannot take the pressure.
How about them?

Just a visit will sincerely make them feel better.
Who cares about the "Hours" you'll get on your port?
Just go there without thinking or caring about that.
You'll feel like a much better person.
Please help and do volunteer work, thank you.

Please scroll down to the bottom to read the first post! This is the third post. I create a new post everyday to show that I updated. :D Thanks for reading!

Continued Story.

Remembering Kailey

She made the final touches to my painted face, as I would like to call it, because it is not real, and started on the finishing touch- "Gold magic", as she liked to call it. "Thanks, Apple." I smiled my usual warm smile, and turned to the crew.

I did this for the hundredth time and I was truly sick of it.
The flashes came on and the poses were struck, but I really wanted something better.
At times I did shoots just for the fun of it without the whole team and stuff.
I wanted greater opportunities and I wanted Aaron to know because through this legitimate way, I would be able to veritably feel free and glad.
Aaron would have killed me if he had caught hold of the fact that I still did these sort of "Vain" things.
He hated this sort of frivolous activity.
He told me to give it up.
He wanted me to be a normal girl.

"Stop being so vain. Why are you so vain? You should stay at home and do housework.
Or you can teach tuition."
He used to chime this phrase all day.

"Can you help me find people I can teach tuition to?"

"Why don't you just stay at home and study. You should be studying!"

"Come, let me teach you how to cook. You need to LEARN."

I was defiant. I desired the best of both worlds, but I was never cheerful because of my doings.
And why did I do it? I wanted the attention I lacked from home.
There was never a home.

I said my goodbyes and pasted a genuine smile in my face. It was extremely easy after all the practice I had throughout my entire life. At times I genuinely felt happy, but when I was notably sad I had to keep up this jovial presence.

As I strutted down the rocky grey path, a familiar face greeted me near the side of the street. "Hey, isn't that Shaynie?"

My palpitating heart seemed as though it was going to erupt with a tremendous force out of my ribcage. "Shucks, I hope Shayne recognises me and sees how gorgeously I am dolled up." I said to myself.

It wasn't a coincidence that I bumped into Shayne. I was around his estate, waiting for him to appear.

He drew nearer, but he was not alone. He wasn't with Tay either. I saw another girl. She was five foot two and really petite and she looked like a freaking butch to me. "So you like those damn butches with chopped hair?"
I frowned, and I acted like I did not care and sashayed across that unfeeling grey path. He did not even have the decency to recognize me.

"SHAYNE SAW!" I growled.

"Yes, sweeet.. hurrr.. wannaa come and join uss?" He mumbled.

"Do you KNOW WHO I AM?" I was furious.

"You areee.. a chickk! Huurr hurrr..."

I stomped off furiously.
He will never change.

------------

I went back to the scenic place where I first went with Shayne.
I thought he was different then when he brought me to the place I truly loved entirely.
He has ruined it thoroughly.
Once, I thought that our differing aims actually complemented each other but at this current moment, all I see is just illusions I conjured up.

I thought his smile was still real.
Maybe he'll wake up tomorrow.
Like how Mummy woke up every morning and her screaming, screaming like a dead fish.

"I wonder how they kiss.
Is there love, or is it merely lust.
Thank goodness you'll never touch me.

You will never be able to quench your thirst."

I turned around and left without looking back.

---------------

Zana looked at Shayne and his five foot two bitch.
She looked as pathetic as he was.
She felt nothing, but the nothing she felt really was something.
She was deeply angered, but she could have never done anything about it, because men are weak, and they succumb to every little temptation, just like Bricky and cheating Shayne. Poor Tay. She wasn't really that poor a thing after all. What about Zana?

--------------

She walked to Zebar Cafe, the nearest Cafe and headed for the toilet.
"I leave no evidence and I never will."

But she forgot that the teardrop will always haunt her like the water cycle.

She cleansed her face and removed the artificial paint.
"Now I look normal again."

She stared at her drenched face and glared at herself.
"Is she more attractive than I AM? What does Tay, or what does that tiny little worm have that I don't?"

She screamed her silent scream.

She looked at herself in the mirror. Zana smiled that genuine smile again and when it did look flawless, she turned and walked out.

"Time for my next show."

--------------

"Bye Aaron. I'll be staying at Jaye's doing our Geography Project."

I walked off and headed straight to Zebar's. Time for some fun.
I slipped into a deep-V silvery black mini-dress that revealed a lot of cleavage.
"If you want a five foot two slut, I'll show you what a slut is."
I sneaked in my five-inch red suede heels and slipped it on. "Delicious."
I pulled the dress just too low and strutted out.

Continued.

Continued from the Previous post.
Read the first part! (:
School tomorrow.

Remembering Kailey

.. Aaron was never the perfect stepfather, but he was nice enough.
Although he perpetually scolded Zana for every single misdeed he thought she committed, when he was nice, he actually meant it.

As Zana ironed Aaron's clothes, she attempted to enjoy doing the chore. Zana hated the way he ordered her around like she was a maid. "This is NOT a hotel. You are living UNDER MY ROOF." And he went on and on about it and she quietly cursed him. Then, she would reprimand herself for getting worked up because she detested anger. She knew how it utterly tarnished every relationship with the people she veritably loved. But she was also weak. She did lose her temper, and how often did she feel horrid about it.

"I should understand. Aaron probably doesn't realise how angry he sounds.
He probably doesn't."

"Well, he is a nice person. He did wake up and bring me to school whenever there was a downpour. He could have slept in."

Zana continued ironing the clothes.

"After all, he suffered enough under the hands of Mummy Kailey."

"And he did not intentionally leave Mummy, like Brick."

She will never be able to eradicate the sight of Brick's pushing of Kailey onto that unfeeling ground from her mind. That silent thud, that cruel melody, his body language.

He did not want them.
He desired his petite little present.
"I like older women. They are more mature than you.
I hate how whiny you are and your stupid job. You're worthless."

"You're worthless. " Zana chimed and stared at the mirror with cruel hate.
"YOU ARE WORTHLESS. Bricky, you are. YOU ARE WORTHLESS."

She sobbed uncontrollably and sniffed, and she buried her head in her shivering hands.
They did not feel human anymore. Why did they feel detached from her very frightened body?
"Why do I see you.. you, in myself. "

Her teardrop fell onto Aaron's shirt. "I hate evidence."
She glided the iron effortlessly and the tear evaporated into the unfriendly atmosphere.
But the water cycle is endless, and the tear will always haunt her and return to its sole owner.

--------------------

After Bricky deserted their "family", Kailey numbed herself with her work.
She was misused, exploited and she did not have the mentality to draw herself from it anymore.
Every night was an opportunity and a chance for her to make quick cash.
She was hardly at home, if we were to call that concrete mass a home, and if she were home, she would have been in the arms of a perfect stranger.

Perfect, and strangely perfect.
They were perfect because Kailey never saw them again, and that did her good.

Zana saw herself again that night, huddled in a corner with her hair tied with those blue ribbons from Sheila's, making that endeavor to disappear from the room and she saw those filthy dark purple lips consume her Mum's. Her Mum giggled as usual, that pathetic smile, that pseudo laughter, as though she really enjoyed the cash-making procedure. Both of them would burst out laughing and Zana's tears rolled down like the blood of a dead fish. Dead fish. She was cold like dead fish, and the tears were merely an obligation.

Mummy Kailey glanced at her, and Zana could see that she had already fallen asleep.
Or was she pretending?

---------------------

She heard the sound of chirping birds.
It was a recurring dream that continually haunted despite it having happened eons back.

Continued.

Zana hopped out of bed and folded the blue green sheets into an immaculate square.

"Time for the other part of my life. At times, I really wonder why I do it at all. What do I seek? All I want is just the satisfaction I attain from doing it. Whatever."

I am now a writer. Do read my story! (:
Haha, it is rather entertaining. Maybe.
Enjoy! :D

Remembering Kailey

"Why are you not doing the dishes? Why have you not ironed the clothes? You, YOU are living UNDER my roof. Zana, you are supposed to do YOUR work. This is NOT a hotel. This is outrageous! I will.... drop down and.. get.."

"Shut up and die." Zana thought. "I will leave the moment I turn twenty-one. I shall endure it and leave as soon as I can. But why is he like that? Does he not have emotions? Does he not understand that I have needs? Does he.. But he doesn't know it."

"Mummy, I miss you terribly." This very thought ran through Zana's mind for the nth time.

-----------
Her hair was tied with those beautiful blue ribbons they used to see when they passed by Sheila's, the most well-known hair accessory shop in Shikane Town. The two delightful little strings cost Mummy Kailey two weeks worth of her salary. Mummy Kailey was poor, and she was a part-time picture slut with little cash to spend. Kailey was perfect, and her lovely brown curls framed her foxy little face, oval and sharp. Kailey had the most slender body and the sweetest smile, and her light tanned frame drew stares at every street. But Kailey was also naive.

"Yes, lower. Lower. Ahh, perfect. Bend more, to the left. A smile. Yes, that's it."
Click.

"She's such a good prawn." They laughed. Kailey glanced, and turned away.
She did it for money. Her poor daughter. How was Zana going to attain a proper education?

Kailey did not want it. But she did want it. It was successful in numbing her.
They thought she was a slut anyway.

Zana's sweet voice drew her back. "Thank you Mom-my. Preee-dy ribbons." Zana's 7 year-old face lit up and it never failed to cheer Kailey up.

Those were truly the days.

Kailey truly loved Zana's father. But he left her. How Kailey abhorred his newer love. She was older than Bricky and she was a petite little present. Kailey hated her smile. Kailey hated her maturity and how natural she was. Kailey was just a picture beauty. She was merely a slut in their eyes because of her job. She was nothing.

It was no wonder that Bricky left her.

"Mummy, mummy. Are you listening to me?"
-------

Zana snapped out of it. Mummy was long gone. She was still alive, but her mental state was terrible and she would have been better off if she died in that tragic fire years back.

"Bye, Aaron. I'm off to school. I did my chores."

"Bye. Come home early. You need to tidy up the house."

Zana ambled across the same path she tread for the past years, when Mummy was still alive at heart and when Bricky did visit. "I wish I had a choice. Why can't I be free? I want to be just like Mummy. I want to do what she used to do." Zana kicked a tiny stone. It bounced off the grey road and landed nearby with a thud.

"Woah girl, easy on that!" A familiar voice interrupted her thoughts.

"Haha, Shaynie. It's you! I should have known. That annoying voice."
"Shayne. What Shaynie. Zany you. Hahaha. Are you okay?"

"Of course I am. Haha. How can I not be. I always am happy. Don't I look happy?"

"I know you haven't been happy all these while. Stop pretending. Smiling doesn't mean you're glad. It merely means you're smiling, Zan."
Shayne stopped. He looked down and gazed into her eyes. Those emotionless peepers and that little dimple on her cheek that appeared when she tried to force a smile. He wanted to make her happy so badly.

"Nah, I'm just thinking. I miss my mum.
She warned me not to follow in her footsteps, but I did.
She never knew about my double life.
And she will never know."

They took little steps across the grey path.

"Hey, wanna follow me to this new spot I discovered? Come on Zan!"

Shayne ran. "Dude, we're gonna be late!"

"Who cares! Haha come on girl!" Shayne's voice trailed off.

The splendor of the magnificent place shocked her. She had never noticed. The trees were exceptionally green and the luscious leaves were spectacular. The air was simply refreshing and Zana loved nature.

"I knew you would love it, Zan. I'll bring a camera here one day and we'll take a picture for keepsake. (:

"Thanks, Shay. It means a lot. Let's go now. We're gonna be late!"

-----------

"Bye Sheena. See you tomorrow! I'll be going to the park for a while."

Zana sat down in the prickly grass alone. Will Shayne be here the next time? She buried her face in her hands and tears ran like a toppled glass of orange juice.
Of course he will be. He promised.

-----------

"I'm sorry Kailey. I need to leave.

"No, Brick. No, no. You can't leave us. Zana needs you. She needs you. She's your..rr child."
Kailey was kneeling and she clung on and wrapped herself around Bricky's legs pathetically.

"Go away. Stop it."

He pushed her and she fell flat. It wasn't the first time she cried.

Zana was at the corner, watching.
-------------

"Zana, are you paying attention?"

"Sorry, Ms Lay."

Shall continue another time!

Shayne looked at her and smiled. She will always remember his smile.

The bell rung and the students quickly exited the classroom.
"You know, you're here but you're never really here. Where are you, really?" Shayne asked.

"I'm in your fantasy.

"Haha, very funny." Shayne attempted to look angry but he was trying to stop his smile from appearing.

"Zannyyy. Haha, stop sticking to Shayne. You inseparable couple. Follow us!" Sheena and Jaye giggled and dragged her away.

------------------
Sheena and Zan decided to go for a girl walk after school.
"Zan, I'm officially in love with the Korean hunk I saw on TV last night! He's so uber cute and oh, like heaven! Hahaha. Save me babe!"

"Haha, are you serious? Hm, he is not real, girl. He is merely commercialized and sold like pretty make up. " Zana replied.

"But he's so cute. You mean you've got someone real?"

Zana stopped abruptly.

"I think I like Shayne."

Silence followed. Sheena stopped walking and turned to Zana.

"Um, I am sorry to burst your bubble. But come on, don't be stupid, he is dating Tay. He won't like you anyway. We were just teasing?"

Zana paused for a slight second, and then burst out laughing.

"Nah, I was just kidding. Haha. April's fool!"

Zana continued laughing and tickled Sheena, but in actual fact, she was extremely hurt.
Shayne. Shayne. Oh nice Shayne.
---------

She walked home alone that day.
"Oh why can't you seeee, you belong with me--"
Zan's beautiful and melodious voice went on playing.

"Why can't you see."

"Why.
Am I gonna be like Mummy?
Daddy left her.
He's not even my Dad.
He doesn't even permit me to call him Dad."

Zana sighed, and she took loud and heavy steps home.
Time to do housework and please Aaron.