I've found the true meaning of a lot of things after speaking to allister on the phone last night. it wasn't about you, it was about me telling you what i feel about everything and in a way, assisting you as well as myself. when i preach to others, it somehow applies to myself. i notice that it is really easy to tell someone else the right thing to do but it is hard to carry words out into action. you have to really let things go. i know you don't read my posts, sister lissy. (sounds gay) (: i know you're not a girl but i don't care. since you don't bother to, i shall blog anyway. (: thanks for keeping me up till about one and not letting me sleep. first time. i love blogging about people who do not read my posts. THANK YOU FOR COMPLIMENTING ME and saying things like- you're a really good listener and really nice to talk to! hahahaha. i know other people read my blog.
i realise i have a lot of 'fans'. -.-

When you let go of something, the burden is lifted off your heavy heart and you feel free. Why hold on to something which has no answer and no end? This will result in eternal monotonity. Many things have dawned upon me for the past few days, and i know that true joy can only be experienced when you learn to accept things the way it is, and also the people around you, instead of attempting to change them.

Stop upholding the negative mindset that you have, that facade, continuing to live in misery. Would you rather be a blissful person, or be a depressed soul, moaning about life all day? You can change, only if you want to. No one else can help you. They can only do what they can- talk to you and give you words of encouragement that lifts up your soul if you allow for it to happen.

It's really heartwarming to know that people care about you despite how you think otherwise. I have truly found the real meaning in life and i know that i will only be happy if i learn to treasure things of the present, instead of living in desolation and holding on to everything that is past. I know most people do this without actual knowledge of it, for in their hearts, they do not wish to let go.

It is natural, because we are humans, and this is part and parcel of life. Human emotions equals to weakness. I shuld leave everything to our sovereign God, love him with my all, even though my all is nothing compared to his unconditional love. I need to be a better person. I should strive to be more genuine. Sometimes, the negative part of me says no and often, i obey it. We should all learn to ignore the negative side of us and listening to the weak whisper that say- 'do the right thing'.

We should all be friends instead of bearing grudges and detesting each other due to past feuds, though hard it may be. Ignoring is not the best solution, it is running away from reality.

Only by being genuine, then will people around to start to peel off the false side of them and revealing the real in them. i should stop the pretense, though at times, it is inevitable. after all, who would want a present that is wrapped up in the most exquisite designs and unwrap it, only to find an empty box or what's worse, full of serpents waiting to eat you alive? Most people are like that.

are you one of them?

I hope you actually read it all. Farewell, my loyal fans. (:
pretty lengthy post, actually.

the world is so incomprehendsible, or do you make it seem like that? i can't seem to comprehend anything anymore. nothing appears genuine. people are not showing their true selves, everything is just a facade. everyone, inculding myself, is not showing their real self. maybe there are people who reveal a little about themselves, but other than that, everything seems so complicated. Rey, Rey. thanks a lot, for confusing me. ):

Now i can't sleep in peace. In Mabel's home right now. I don't feel genuine anymore. I need to be alive!!!!! I should start being real myself, then others will emulate me and people around me will endeavour to be true instead of faking it.

I know that I have to be good example instead of being a stumbling block. I want to be strong too, i want to be a role model. I need to do it instead of just saying it. It's really tough, though. I guess I have a lot more to learn.

Thanks, Rey, for speaking to me.

must check post before publishing. -.-

be glad, be glad, be glad, remain calm, be glad, ignore everything else, be glad.
this post sounds meaningless and it has a bleak future.

essie i miss you! <3 <3 <3 you are sooo far away in vancouver and i know you'll never read this anytime soon but thanks for everything. words can't express my heartfelt thanks. i know everyone else that has shown concern cares too but sometimes, others should judge themselves before judging others! you don't like it when people judge you with their piercing look and sinister glare, and yet you do it to others. what irony. how the world contradicts itself. everything is a mess because everyone is a mess. see how what goes around comes around?

haha. i should be glad because people are just envious of what they can't have. yes, you said that the blog is meant to be a secret but not really one, because in fact, everyone is reading it. in other words, it is just an open secret, known to the world yet sealed with your lips, especially in front of you. how everything seems to go against everything else, and the world plainly feigns ignorance. we all know it, it is blatant, yet we choose to act like we don't, because 'ignorance' is bliss, even if it is merely artificial. how ludicrous. that's why it's called a joke. it's supposed to be funny!

NOT.

i can't stand people who target you from behind when you clearly know it. such losers.
such courage, i cannot admire. suit yourselves. jealous creeps.
it is crystal clear.

i am going to study.
i am sick of people telling me how to run my life.
I am myself. I am not you.
Just because you do not like it and are against does not mean that I have to accede to your every request. Do you know me? Do you? You complain to others and you think you know it all, but you don't. you only know yourself. i am sick of everything, i swear. one more thing, and i'll scream at you and holler till you cry. annoying and immature jealous little girls.

jealousy is the root of all evil, i swear.

i know some people truly care, and i should understand that.
maybe i am not such a good person after all.

well, we'll see.

after all, this world is meant to be the way it is.

i look forward to world's end.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=947613&l=4d08e&id=730473942

i did not upload all the pictures.
uploaded quite a lot, at requests. (:
enjoy. i will improve although it's pretty stunning already for a sixteen year old. (fifteen-and-a-half)

generally, my favourites are the ones that i wore the black dress and the white top. the pictures with my hair done do not justify me. ): the black dress makes my leg look bigger too, because of the angle and puffiness.
my real favourite is the picture all the way at the bottom, which is also my profile pictures on various accounts. (:
whatever, keep your comments to yourself, unless you are praising me.
if you think you're so capable and have the qualifications to be a model, go ahead, if they would accept you, and we can exchange pointers.
i abhor non-constructive criticism.
i will work out to make my legs slimmer.
point of fact: they are muscles, not fats.
thanks.

i'm always reminded by others that the world is full of jealous people.
can't stand it. lead your lives and backkkoffff

updated

A diary is an outlet whereby people display their innermost (?) thoughts.
Surprisingly, the blog defeats the purpose a journal supposedly upholds.
The term 'online diary'- I am just debating on its supposed name.
I am not going to please the world, and I am not attempting to, so I shall speak of free will, almost without constraints.

It is certain and undeniable that there are.

Till then.

-

every blog is merely a boring piece of paper coated with candy, sweets and dumb treats to fulfill and entertain the whimsey of another ignorant being.

HAHA. :/

earliest to most recent.
ENJOY.

Qi and I (she made me do it! haha)
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=926792&l=1b1c6&id=730473942

CHURCH CAMP 2008 SWISS GARDEN RESORT (KUANTAN, MALAYSIA)
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=40432&l=d607e&id=730473942

YF GROUP OUTING 16/06/2008
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=40546&l=b6285&id=730473942

get lost, stalkers!
can't you read the sign which says-
'I ABHOR YOU' ?
i am contemplating about putting a lock on this blog.
on the other hand, maybe not.
after all, the internet is free for all= no privacy.
it just annoys and disgusts me.
piss off.

heh. >: /

i welcome all important people. (:

it's really infuriating when you know that people you loathe actually bother to make their existence known and try to play a minor role in your life, reading your online diary and tracing your account that contains vague information about your ever changing lifestyle. haven't they heard of, get a life?
i swear i am damn sarcastic. haha. i could laugh to death.

i must be a nice girl.
i must be good!
i must forgive hateful passerbys.

Most of all, i miss the sand and the sea. i might have missed the first few days of camp, but i've certainly gained a lot of insight from God's word from God's messenger, got to know a lot of brethren on a better level. sometimes, firsthand experience is what really makes a difference.

i recall wandering off on my own into the crashing waves that was a distance from the shore and into the south china sea but i would always be yelled at to retreat by onlooking and concerned people. it was quite a pity i did not have the opportunity to venture off further on my own. ):

i miss jumping into the waves by myself. i miss the awakening taste of the salt in the sea. i am in a state of nostalgia. ): i am so weird.

i recall weeping due to the excruciating pain my headache caused. perhaps, that was part of the reason. i miss everything that i miss.

surprisingly, almost all i have brought back from camp is memories of the beach and sea. if i were to die in the future, i want to die afloat in the sea. just a random thought.

right at this very moment, someone is thinking of you, whether you are conscious of it or not.
do not despair, do not give up even though there is slightest hope. you might think that this world is desolate and unfeeling but look on the positive side of life and your heart will be filled with an unfamiliar but comforting warmth.

i should start learning to treasure what i already have, instead of crying over split milk. what is done cannot be undone, no matter how hard you will for it to happen.

can't wait to go for the camp. everyone's there already!

i guess certain things just do not lie in our hands, because everything comes and goes, and we just stretch out our hands and accept everything the way it is, without lifting a finger to make a change in this monotonous life that we have to deal with every single repetitive day.

I notice my emotions constantly embarks on this insane roller coaster ride, fluctuating from pure bliss to feeling almost deranged, and i am rather perturbed by this fact. This seemingly never ending journey has culminated in saddening hostility.

Forget it. Countless times, I do not comprehend what I wish to bring across to myself. I am this awfully sad girl, and then this cheerful little thing.

I recall my friend saying "Action speaks louder than words". This is a very common phrase. It is applicable to all circumstances. Simple enough, yet deep. Too much to handle, sometimes.

I think my actions are misleading, because they do not depict how I really feel inside. I may engage this unfeeling, cold front in an attempt of being defensive but the truth is, it hurts so bad I do not know how to face it. I merely ignore it all and act like everything is just a spotless piece of paper and nothing has happened.

I am proud of this friend A, who has confronted his own feelings and faced it with my assistance. (: Go pal! There's no one to help me though, only I can help myself.

Would you help yourself, too? Do you think hiding is the best solution to surmount this desolation? I can see it all, from one's windows to the world- your eyes. You can lie to yourself, but I can still see the gloominess and devastation that you are trying to shield from everyone you love. You have lost hope, faith, and love because of this setback. It pains me, a lot, but I do not show it.

I know we are afraid. You're not the only one.

If the one who cares ever reads this, it either shows that you have a certain degree of interest in my life, you hate me, you love me, or that you merely care. right? interesting.

going for church camp on wednesday till saturday.
at least i get to go.

'harold and kumar' is just plain hilarious and slightly offensive so view it with caution. watched it on the com with my dad. :D note to impressionable kids, parental guidance is advised, though.

going to watch 'chronicles of narnia' and 'indiana jones' and all the movies that have yet to be released. how i adore movie marathons. i need to adhere to my study schedule soon after. (if i make up an official one) i have a serious need to drive myself to work and i am in awe of those who can actually stick to their computer programmed list and obey every single detail. i am in need for a grand motivator! ):

i will most probably be away from next Wednesday night to Saturday(skipping the first few days of the camp) in line with the church camp. it is not confirmed yet, though. i am looking forward to a few days off the typical hectic lifestyle and spending quality time with like-minded brethen. (:

away with the judging eyes that wander off seeking imperfections, pointing out disabilities and picking out flaws that are merely subjective. why not pick on your very self since you adore living in your own world and exalting some worthless self-proclaimed appointed beauty? i swear i could almost hate you but i remind myself not to, for we have need to love everyone. at least i've tried. notice how friends come and go?

tough nuts are hard to crack but tough nuts are possibly impossible to crack. get it? haha :/ riddles. toodle doodle.

i am a happy little galx in a sad big worldx.

ridiculously ridiculous. don't mind me. read the enlightening post below.