There are always so many things I gather after running, and I just wish to rush back to pen it all down to share it with whoever out there in the cyberworld, just to relieve that aching feeling and that indescribable emotion. Usually, pain. I didn't wish to post for a long time because the bad thing was too close, too close for comfort. Nothing romantic, by the way, for that is the general notion people have when you say such stuff, which is kinda amusing. Then, emotions go away, after deliberation, and then there is just pleasantness. That is alright though. Emotions are merely part of an everyday thing, but then I have grown so wary of it. There must be a reason why I chose that path again.

But no, you just have to be happy. Always remember that happiness comes from within. There was doubt and the possibility of acting taking place when you view certain individuals, but that does not matter if it does not matter to you. What is distancing. I saw myself as another and carrying out those meaningless things and I remembered why people choose the magnet mindset, where they easily repel and turn away. It was the safest route. And then after certain prompting and tempting and then they turn away, and they fall.

However, they go back when they do realize that the very place they left kept them secure and unharmed. They do not stay put because they turned away from the very safe haven that kept them alive and warm. "The Forbidden City lies ransacked now and the topless towers are all gone." "She had a heart of stone. Who will cast the first stone?" I always found this phrase by Jeanette really interesting. Stone. It gives me that image of an unchanging, emotionless being, that remains constant and secure. Moreover, the stone endures and has great strength despite being put through countless tests. Plain and cliche I guess it is, for I have heard this damned phrase countless times, but, if we WERE to just consider it in another perspective, say just by viewing the other attributes a stone has, we are able to view things in a different light. I guess these experiences merely reflect how people adopt new ways of dealing with things. Sorry, I like contemplating on seemingly mundane things. Lol.

And then after composing this chunk I wish to remove every trace of it, so I just edited everything and added resolutions to every single sentence, for after its creation I become happy again. Looking at this, I call this a defense mechanism. Haha, why not? I just ran so fast that I could not breathe and till I felt like I was flying off the ground and any second I would just fall flat and hit my face but haha no, never. That will NEVER happen. (: I WILL JUST RUN AND FLY AND I WILL GO SO FAST just like those speeding cars and I will lift my feet off the ground and truly be liberated.

Happiness truly comes from within. (: Only, within.

I can't wait to be able to clear all those crazy bars and buildings! Ah, I must build my foundation. I can do it man.

GOOD MORNING WORLD! It is seven plus in the morning on a Sunday. Haha I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY haha it's quite funny, so happy that I wanna wake up and post this. Hahaha I CONQUERED THE DISTANCE FROM MY PLACE TO AJ AND BACK LAST NIGHT. :D ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. YOU CAN DO IT! Heh. :D I shall now proceed to engage google map to find out the total length. I estimate it to be 9km. Okay fine, this may seem like nothing to marathon runners, and may seem like a lot to regular people, but it is all about perspective. To me, it is about achieving your goal and always going on no matter what. :D I am really happy because this is the longest distance that I have ever gone before. I haven't taken part in any marathon or highly publicized races. I shall do so in the future. (: Remember to believe in yourself and think only of the positive!
When I ran, I thought about how nice the air was and how I can run faster when I tell myself that. It really works. Place your focus on how you're enjoying it instead. It comes to a point where the very sound of your breath actually spurs you on to run faster and lighter. I FELT LIKE I WAS FLYING. Have you ever experienced that marvelous state where you felt as light and fluffy as a single feather? Oh, it feels so good! HAHA! Do attempt it! Remember, only feed yourself with positive thoughts. Your brain will secret positive chemicals only when you do that, and it is then where your body is able to carry out planned activities the best way.

YOU CAN DO IT, FUTURE NS DUDES Hahaha.

Haha, okay I went to use the map to calculate the distance. I was right! It is almost 9km. (: Well, to many people who run 10 kilometres everyday, it is merely a routine. For me, my usual is less though so I am really happy. :D Hahaha! Two more papers! You can do it!

Wow I just read my post. I do seem like an awfully happy person. Haha.
Okay, I wanted to say poem time but I need to bathe and get ready for Church now. Goodbye! (:

PART ONE IS OVER! :D I am extremely glad. Well, I shall now proceed to bore you with my mundane, or perhaps rather exciting life (to me at least). Haha, History has seriously been amazing. I would grow really fond of it and then hate it for being so darn challenging at times. After a while though, or in this case, a long while, (i.e. 2 years) I finally love it. And then it is over. Like, poof, with that hand action I like to do. Southeast Asian History and International History, my poor little smudged and severely abused notes have now lost their value in helping me in advancing in this education highway. Lol, what else do you call it.

YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN DO IT!

Well, anyway. We shall all enjoy this process of learning so we will do the best in our mission to attain the best results. Remember to enjoy it!
I will still miss my class ever so dearly. :D Hello, classmates! I recall the first time, when I saw the class at the Basketball Court last year. I was thinking, "What a bunch of weirdos.", because everyone was simply so different! And then there was all this drama. Was speaking to Rachel after dinner and yes, indeed, our class is so beautiful simply because of our diversity. I have NEVER met such a wide range of interesting people in my life, and I highly doubt I ever will again, at least not in another setting like this. Outspoken, artistic, quirky individuals, each with their own set of contrasting values, yet all with one common trait, which is care. Ahhh. :D
37/09 :D

There is a motive behind every action, and that very motive is the key thing that spurs us to commit a certain action. Now, whether or not that motive has a good or bad agenda attached to it is what determines the outcome and response.

Let us say, what is my motive for running? An expected response from a person who is attempting to look good in front of others would say the benefits of losing weight. A health-conscious person would very well declare her motive as being healthy and because she loves the idea of being fit. Now, which one of them would generate a better outcome? Definitely, I would say the one with the "better" motive. The explanation would be that with a "better" motive or in this case, a propelling force in mind, the person would have more incentive to carry out the action that would generate an expected outcome.

NOT ALL motives would drive you on long enough for you to endure this imaginary path you are traversing. Do you have the right motive? Do you have the best motive?

What about other things, such as murder or rape. What is your motive behind that? I have this thing about me, where I would at times, whenever I am alone on the bus, look out there and pretend I am that young kid at the stop waiting for the bus. I would imagine myself to be young and just this wallpaper thing. And then at times I would, when I read about certain murders, place myself in the victims' shoes or the criminals' shoes. I used to imagine myself being tortured like the victim and I would cry for the victim. That was last time. Yeah, I am weird. Anyway, I can but only imagine and recreate that scenario in my mind. Is that really the thing that took place?

Every single human being has a different way or interpreting the SAME HISTORICAL event. No, it is not the story. I am speaking about the event. How we interpret it is our story. We all have stories. Stories. How reliable can these stories be then? They are most reliable to ourselves. I can have a story. He can have a story. We went through the same historical event but we have different stories. Shey may have been with say a friend, and we were happily laughing about lollipops, and say Shey's story would be that- Shey has found a new friend and they are getting closer. His story may be that he just had a silly day laughing about frivolous things. Well, this analogy is meant to sound a little ridiculous. I could very well have used a more solemn situation but this humour I have engaged merely belittles the value of stories.

That is why the true value of stories do not matter unless reciprocated. Do not magnify the value of stories (memories) unless you are sure it is worth the time at all. Take the safe route.
Of course, my post is about motives. My motive is to brainwash you, of course and to declare my view about the lack of value of "stories". Now, if a person were to psychoanalyze my post, I dare predict that the person would judge me as one who is attempting convincing herself to not care so as to protect herself. Also, what are the other motives? ;) Then again, there is irony because I just mentioned that stories are different in the eyes of everyone. The person may view it this way and it is correct in her eyes but how about mine? Therefore, our stories are as mentioned only most reliable to ourselves and hence worthless. Lol. This is so interesting. Hahaha.

"Tunnel Boring Machine"

Imagine the Tunnel Boring Machine driving a hole into the insignificant ground
that we all stand on and live on and do our daily things
and never care about
And then one day, suddenly -
from underneath,
It emerges.
For all the harm we have done to this harmless world,
For all the misuse, abuse, torture, brutal bludgeoning of all things fine,
It stands tall and booms at you, every single one of you
And screams and booms and falls straight on every single flat one-dimensional creature.
The Tunnel Boring Machine speaks.

Hello. I am an Arts student, but I am not gonna use flowery language here. Yes, indeed posts are meant to be written during times of less-than-happy moments and contemplation. (I am writing this so as to finalize thoughts and to feel better about it.)
Hi, my friend who used to like me (not a classmate) not too long ago, this is for you. (Yeah, actually I wanna make you feel bad and read this, haha and I hope that you learn that betrayal is not a good thing! This post is about forgiveness and moving on. (: And yes, you will probably only visit my blog and read this if you still feel bad, otherwise you won't. I want you to read it, that is the point of this composition. Yes, I have dedicated a post to you, be shocked! Lol.) This is not a new issue (not old either), just that I have forgotten about it for probably a couple of months. The internet is a great source to confirm suspicions (I WAS RIGHT about you guys! Haha sorry can't help it.) actually, and when you are able to be happy for the one who has betrayed you, it is truly then that you have forgiven the person. It is during periods like this that you learn to place less faith and emotion in human beings romantically, that being a good thing. This is because you learn that romantic love should not be priority in life. I feel that my priority really is my career and family, which good academics would ensure. Of course, there was never really any real relationship, except I like typing this out, to finalize things and to feel good about myself (Author's intention.)

Of course, I do not deny the initial anger, and great disappointment, (and all that comes with that) especially during the moments where real emotions were invested, and when I see the person involved. That is also why I recalled the not too long ago incident, which is after seeing the individual. Then, I placed myself in the person's shoes. Hormones explained it. I of course know the ficklemindedness of humans. I do know attraction to new individuals is normal ("People forget, get bored, grow old, go away." -Jeanette Winterson.) indeed. I guess this is empathy. Besides, things happen because of God's will. And then I let go of the anger. And then I would recall, "what is the point?" I no longer feel any romantic feelings for the person involved. Besides, what is this romanticized notion of love meant for? I admit that pride caused me to be angry, but then I realized there was really no point. The anger was because of the pride. I would only be an angry person and be upset. Yes, and the anger was for the unexplained end to communication. This went through my mind today. Hence, forgive and let go. That is the best way. I hope you will be happy, and yes, please respect me as a friend. (:

You know something, I am only able to write this because this is one of those cases where I did give in much emotion but not too much. For those cases, I cannot write about it. Haha.

Then, through this, I saw the great instability of life. People have a change of heart so easily. It was literally gone the next day. This only backs my point of detachment, and sums up my argument of leading a life without marriage. I used to see the point of basing my happiness on another, but I realised that God's presence actually makes me happy enough. He gives me friends who do not add on to woes like young "love" (I think it is lust actually. Lol.) does, he carries me through all troubles. Thank you, Lord. I actually wish I did not have a cynical view about love though. I know that God created it for us, but not all of us are meant for it. I will see what he has in store for me. (:

I usually do not really blog about my day and feelings, but yes. School officially ends next week, and the Farewell Assembly will be held on Friday. Probably last week, I was contemplating about many issues. I was lying in bed in the living room (moving back to my room soon), where the setting is all emo-like and stuff, and thought of how everyone I know will just become a memory. I thought about the class-clowns and the funny stuff, how everyone cracks up jokes and laughs at everything. I truly will miss every single individual in 37/09. We had our quirks, and we grew from disliking everyone and being totally unsuited to the different types of people to embracing their qualities as endearing. I was just talking to Rachel (Hello Chestnut! :D)about it just now and I really will miss them the most. I have never liked a class this much. When CCA ended, I felt as though a part of me were missing but right now, the depth of liking I have for the class is far more and perhaps incomparable. I was always about being indifferent and all in my former schools. Truly loved perhaps the last or second last Captain's Ball game we had just now! It was aggressive and fun and simply amazing. (: I guess it always happens, and it is only with departure that people start to treasure the ones around them more.

5 weeks! Remain focused! I miss school. I wanna go back to school now and it's a Saturday. I just like the ambience there.

My phone got stolen at the National Library yesterday. Do email me or call my house phone if there is anything important.

I have been feeling this urge to blog for a while, but there was lack of sufficient time, and the desire for composing sentences just died down. Hmm, I was contemplating this issue in my mind yesterday. It is so odd how one can not feel anything at all when you commit certain things that are meant to evoke a response. I am talking about general themes in life. How can one feel so cold? Imagine a murderer, killing his victim. He must have successfully mastered the skill of detachment.

Perhaps, humans may have developed that from past experiences. I found it odd. I questioned myself, and yes, of course, overanalysing and attempting to "understand" yourself only results in greater lack of comprehension. Lol.
Hence, we should just let things be. Let it be, let it be. (: That song comes to mind. Haha.

I need breakfast now, I am hungry.

GOOD MORNING! :D Haha I am glad. IT IS A BRAND NEW DAY! Cousin asked me to run with him later. :D Yes we spoke about it this week. Can't wait to run new routes! Okay I need to touch math. Haha I keep thinking about my H1 Math papers when I do my other subjects. I just feel like touching them everyday. I am sorry my little babies. It misses me. I miss you too my sweet little papers.

(Edited at 21:55- Haha, okay. It was really exciting! Hahaha I sound like some little boy. Went to the same place and went to climb onto some hill! Lol I stepped into this pit and it brushed against my leg. I ran long distance 5 nights in a row! Lol sorry I like to talk about it as usual but it seriously requires great mental strength and it trains you psychologically. ANYWAY, the lesson I wish to tell you is that if you set a goal, you can achieve it! I told myself on Monday that I was going to run Long D all 5 days instead of alternating between sprints and Long D and I DID IT. You can do it too! Hahaha. Be positive! Start caring for your body today! Anyway, I think that may be slightly too much. Perhaps I need to have breaks in between next week! :D

Yeah, the thing is, Long D without running at a fast pace is alright if you do it every night. However, if you run at a rather quick pace daily, it is not exactly great for your body. I have learnt that.

I FEEL HAPPY NOW! THE ENDORPHINES ARE BEING RELEASED LIKE THE RIVER! HAHAHHAHA LOL Okay good night!)

Went to explore the depths of IMH again last night. I wanted to run back to SK but decided against it. Haha, it is not as far as I thought it was actually! It is pretty safe at the instituition. Not many humans there at night, that is why. It is only unsafe when there are strange humans lurking around. Darkness is indeed a solvent of animosity. I said "Hello" to random strangers when I neared the entrance and was greeted with response. Haha. Running at night does indeed generate this sort of loneliness, and yet that sort of isolation is pleasing. Hmm. Hills are also an interesting challenge. As you probably have noticed, I am indeed psychoing you to start exercising today. Haha!

Yeah, I have learnt to forgive. And stay away from non-positive humans. :D Surround yourself with positive people!

Oh yes, I wish to to clarify some misconceptions! (:
RUNNING DOES MAKE YOU BURN FAT TISSUES!
Running at high speeds burn the fat tissues as it is indeed a cardio activity (one that keeps your heart rate at an elevated level), and it also loses water weight. Excessive weight loss however does result in loss of muscle as well.

Oh yes,I prefer my comfort circle untouched and uninvaded by people I have no feelings for, especially undertaken by individuals outside of school! Haha, anyway, generally, I do not like it when a person imposes his ideas on me and carries out certain actions, and this is clearly for the case where I have absolutely no romantic feelings for that individual. (: However, noting that, I have set it in words and hence it is no longer part of me. Forgive, and be happy! I am positive and truthful! Hahaha. I do admit that I was not joyful about it but I have great cousins. Haha.

Yeah, Humans do understand that physical distance is vital when a predator is lurking around, and I will ensure my security especially when I am repelled by the attempts at close distance! hahaha very humorous imagery! LOL. I LIKE HOW FUNNY IT SOUNDS. Hahaha. Language is so cool. It is 8.30 p.m.! Should be leaving the house soon.

Moreover, there are great advantages such as pleasant complexion and weight loss, apart from the ASTONISHING PYSCHOLOGICAL BENEFITS! I went to do some research, and found out that it is indeed alright to run when one has a cold! Haha, do not run if you have a flu though. Yeah, the research was only done because I have a cold now, which came as a result of the lack of available healthy food for the past week!
Evacuated from my room today for the tenant! Prelims on Mon.

Oh yes. You should have one "rest day" a week where you do not run, to allow yourself to recover. Perhaps I shall make mine Saturday, where I hardly use my legs when swimming casually with my extended family. Really look forward to those evening outings at the chalet near the beach. (: I really love swimming.

I copied and pasted this. Type "Benefits of Running" and this is top of the Google list.

"Running can also have many psychological benefits. Most significantly runners typically report being happier and feeling less stressed than their counterparts who do not run or exercise regularly. Running actually has the ability to alter an individuals moods because hormones called endorphins are released while running. These hormones create a sense of euphoria often referred to as a runner’s high and can result in an improvement in the runner’s mood. Running has also been reported to alleviate stress in most runners. There are a number of factors which may contribute to running lowering stress levels. One of the most obvious reasons is the act of running allows the individual to focus on the task at hand instead of being worried or stressed about work, family or other stressors in his daily life. Additionally, running can be very challenging on the body which can result in the individual feeling a sense of accomplishment by completing the run which shifts the focus of his attention from negative stressors to a sense of pride and accomplishment."

It is Thursday today. The September holidays have been great so far, and I enjoy going back to my lovely school everyday. I will definitely miss it when I graduate in probably a month. Have been running every night, and yesterday was simply wonderful! Explored the region, and running around IMH at night is really an interesting experience! :D There is a myth, and that myth is that exercise drains you of your energy. In fact, it recharges me.
I really love running at night.

Yesterday was very interesting with my fellow Arts buddies. (:
Came back alone today and I enjoyed that sort of loneliness. It is a different kind of enjoyment.

Oh yes and one disadvantage I have is that the lack of vegetables and substituting it with a certain popular fried food does indeed make you sick. Due to the lack of food in school, I had to be content with fast food (Haha, it is nice when you eat it once in a while though.) and I had to suffer from a sore throat and horrid headache! Haha I feel better now though, after pouring my head with cold water and drinking lots of water. Water really helps, and yes, fried food/meat is not good for you! Do eat lots of vegetables! Hence, I brought raw bean sprouts and cooked it in school today.

Running is good for you. Go and exercise now and you will reap the benefits.
Mental strength will bring you ANYWHERE.

(I RECOMMEND THIS TO WEARY SOULS WHO ARE HAVING PRELIMS SOON.) It is extremely effective for recharging anyone.

(I changed the link on Thursday, 9 Sep 2010 because I feel that the previous video was a bit odd and its message dubious. This relaxation one is better!)

Today was great. The intellectual conversation I had with my friend enlightened me.
On my way home, I took a deep breath and enjoyed the drenched trees which were swaying without a care in the wind, while enjoying my classical music. It was splendid. Enjoyed cheesecake and rum and raisin ice cream today. :D Going for a run at night.

Everyone must be aware of the "Rape Capital" of the world, Congo, Africa. It is just not fair. 5000 women are raped annually. Half of them are brutally assaulted by armed men in front of their families in their homes, in the name of seeking "redress" for not getting paid. More than 8,000 women were raped during the fights in 2009.

Currently, the United Nations is investigating claims that rebel fighters raped more than 150 women and baby boys in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

ARMED MEN. ARMED ABLE-BODIED AND GENETICALLY STRONGER humans are deliberately exploiting defenceless women. They RAPE them in front of their families in their own homes. How would you feel if the place that you live in is suddenly INVADED BY BRUTE, INHUMANE AND INSANELY THIRSTY CREATURES WHO WILL NEVER STOP UNTIL they PENETRATE YOU REPEATEDLY IN FRONT OF YOUR HUSBAND AND CHILDREN TILL YOU ARE SO DESTROYED YOU DO NOT FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE? I really wanted to exhibit all the world's violence on these perpetrators, but I would be no different from them. Please pray for these victims. Please raise awareness.

If you have had thoughts about raping any female, please think. How would you feel is someone did that to your sister, or your mother? How about the people you care about? Do you want to go to jail? Please spare a thought for humans around you who also have FEELINGS just like you. You don't need to satisfy your animalistic instincts this way. If you were really an animal, it would be best to cage you up just like they do to beasts. Even so, beasts would be better than you.
PLEASE PRAY FOR THEM. I don't know how to help them any way else. The UN is in there but some situations are seriously so severe. The only way is to get rid of the militias. How else do we do that besides using great force? The world is cruel. I am thankful that my Homeland is safe, but the victims there are not.

If I had the money, I could fly them all out and offer them citizenship in a safer country. Can someone do that? Can a country that is rich and noble enough do that? Actually they can. If each country just takes some of the women in the most affected areas, they can indeed save them.
I do not care that you say it is impractical and costs MONEY. Seriously, MONEY? MONEY? PAPER? Actually if there existed no form of money and we totally eliminate it from the world we'd be able to save so many people, but then people would think about self interests not being fulfilled and no one would be saved.
AHHHHHHHHHH can they all wear chasity belts? Would that help?

I am sorry I am going nuts already.

I want to voice out more radical views but I cannot.


You stupid boy. After all that emotional investment you took that has not yet led to a real start and then I see you socializing with some newfound creature. Yes, that is jealousy. More reason to unplug yourself. (:

The run at the school track until around 7 was great. The entire place was freed from noise, just like the holidays where I was able to enjoy the almost empty chalet. (: The ambience in my school does resemble that of a chalet's during the holidays. Great way to have a break too! If you want a running partner, feel free to call me hahaha. I like to wait until everyone is gone and then I start sprinting. Haha but it is more fun when there are humans around though. It spurs me to me more competitive sometimes.

Haha, Yeah I am obsessed. I like to speak about running all the time.

HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY TO ALL MY BELOVED TEACHERS! :D
I will not be going back to my secondary school, but I miss them all the same.
Likewise to my teachers in my primary school.
I feel so productive today. I am glad. :D

Swimming was great. I do what I call "sprint-swimming" where I do speed swimming for 1 lap, stop and continue. (: I "sprint-swim" with my head above the water all the way. That thrill is exhilarating and it optimizes the amount of energy used in minimal time. Great way to burn off excess energy. Best I can do when my right leg is injured. It is a rather funny sight though.
Great way to contour your body too. Optimal results.

My sister and I both hurt our leg on the same day. Her wound is a flesh wound, whereas my injury is due to the straining of my muscles. We were both hopping around the whole day.

I feel like being carried around. :D Hahaha. I do hope that I will recover by tomorrow though.
I want cheesecake and mushrooms now.

I have been mourning the injuring of my leg since the morning. Injured my leg while sprinting yesterday and I stubbornly insisted on running on the track this morning. I was not as fast as usual and then I felt this sharp pain after 4 rounds. ): Sighhh. Second time I hurt my leg this month lol. I have to limp around now. It is okay, swimming should be less strenuous. I was so devastated that I just lay in bed from after school till about four plus. No, SNAP OUT OF IT. You are great. Must have momentum. Yes. I can do it. Have the momentum you had for MYES. YOU CAN DO IT! AHHH! Hahahaha. I need to move. I am an active young child. Hahaha.

Block out Negative people! They just cannot be happy for you. (:

"LAST TOUCHES OF RED" (Read it! :D)

Last touches of that red he tells me he adores.
Slide it on my lips like skin to my flesh.
I wait for him eagerly at the dining table,
where the main course was missing.

Last touches of that red he tells me he loves,
as I thought to myself the times he leaned in from behind,
soothing the tense muscles of my fatigued body,
and recharging me with this unique sensation I cannot explain.

Last touches of that red they tell me he loves,
as I smiled to myself and thought of the horizon we never saw.
As I felt the pain of the air against the whole of my fatigued back,
with no him to soothe.

Last touches of that red they tell me he loves on her,
as I hold on to the blade I used on him and her.
One slice, two slices, I lost count.
Last touches on red,
the red you loved so much, my dear boy,
whom I love so much.
I did give you a chance.
My dear boy, my dearest boy,
whom I still love so much.

This red does look better on you two.

-----------------------------------------
Lol sadistic poem.

The YOG has ended officially, and I am really proud of Singapore for being the Host country! :D It was truly touching, and I can only imagine the simultaneous pain and great happiness in their hearts at that moment. (:

I feel like posting a lot of things, but I do need to sleep. At times, I wish I ran like a machine. I usually feel most awake around six to ten and that is the time I have to go to bed to get recharged for a new day. Shall be awake in the afternoon tomorrow. Have to maximise benefit for my time now. Must succeed because I want it. It makes me happy. (:

When I run, I tell myself that I am a machine, and that I can go faster and faster and I will outrun every obstacle that comes my way. When I have surpassed it I shall derive far greater strength. Must have momentum. Must continue. Ten thirty right now. Shall sleep soon so that I will be awake tomorrow.

Every single thing in life is actually a skill derived. Choose what you want to listen, and choose the things which you wish to believe in. Determine your emotions, determine your outcome, determine your present state. You always have a choice.

ULTIMATELY, YOUR STRONGEST OPPONENT YOU FACE IS YOURSELF.
Do you realise that?
"Yes, YL."
"I must beat you YL. DARN YOU!"

I will get what I want. I have what I want and I will keep it.
When I want to let it go I shall, because I have the power to.

MEMORIES
There is this portion about memories in Housekeeping and Oranges are not the Only Fruit, our lit texts, which touches me. Our memories will only be known to us and no one will ever have the same memories as us, not in the exact way at least. Then I recall Ruth letting go of these "ghosts" and stuff. I guess it does truly apply to every human relationship. I guess that is her coping mechanism as well as the tool she engages to empower herself. There is no point, after all, attaching your shelf to a thing which has no value to any other to validate that pain you feel. Then, how can there be pain when there is no validation?

You will be emancipated, free, liberated etc. Take a thesaurus and scream it out. Hahaha. It is ten forty three. I should be sleeping. I feel like running now actually. Oh gosh, the things you want so badly. When you do not want it, these things SHOUT OUT TO YOU, TEMPT YOU, LURE YOU. When you decide to be compassionate, it screams a weak "ah" and evaporates. Haha. What a funny sight.

Train of thoughts. Bring me a train. I watched this movie, years back, forgot the title but it was something about a MAGICAL TRAIN. I still recall it vividly. It is animation, those life-like ones. It was amazing. Something about Christmas. And a little boy, and he came out of bed in the middle of the night. Adventure. THEY WENT ON IT. Skidding on ice. The train. Huge tree. I remember oh my gosh I need to find out the title of that movie! I think it is Christmas Post, or something with the word "Post" in it. Then suddenly Bioshock comes to my mind. Haha awesome game.

Poem time! HAHAHAHA. Lol I shall attempt something visual.

The Magnet Approach
Detachment is a skill that requires time to learn.
Now use it.
Use it and you will be free.
It is like the three wishes the fictitious genie can offer you.
It is the manipulation of the mind.
Use it, and use it well.
Empowerment.

I have to go now, I wish to continue but I am going out.
Prelims in 2 weeks! :D Shall study in school daily.

Okay, I am back! The YOG Football game is currently on television, with Haiti leading 1-0. There is about 20 mins left. I really hope Singapore will win though. This is one of the rare occassions where I actually watch football. I do understand that there is a challenge in every game but it is extremely commendable that they have made it this far! :D We will find out soon if our country wins.

Watched the YOG running at seven plus. It was amazing and the athletes have motivated me to run even more. The Kenyan female who won conquered 3km in 9:13. She is AMAZING! She is my role model haha! :D I shall google her later. I have to admit that I felt a bit less competent after watching her sprint. She is a good one and half rounds faster for my recent timing for sprinting 2 km. Haha I need to run more! Swimming yesterday was great.

Back to the subject of detachment. I have often found this topic of interest one that comes with lots of benefits as well as costs. The benefits are truly undeniable. You feel no sense of loss when you just let go of anything.

(Over ten minutes to go for the game. The Haiti goalkeeper was clearly wasting time and he got offered a yellow card. Oh my gosh they just wasted another "40 seconds", as quoted by the commentator by walking really slowly, It is not fair. ): The opposition keeps standing there and wasting time to maintain their win. I started watching for a long time and it's really unfair. 2-0 now. ): Penalty kick. My heart hurts now, only for Singapore! Well, the oppostition won.)

Anyway, back to the topic of detachment. I find it an extremely useful coping mechanism. Through countless experiences, there is a sort of numbness that I have attained. I then linked it to detachment. I was speaking to my friend today, and his account does justify why many of us choose to be detached. My possibly odd analogy of a magnet can explain it.

Say I am a magnet with two poles. If I wish to be attached to some earthly thing, I shall engage that part which attracts. Otherwise, just engage the other pole to repel and detach. I find this highly amusing. Hahaha. It does help though. I have always engaged this policy for most circumstances until last year for a bit and recently, where I let my surroundings dictate my mood to a certain extent. Darn it, it was not good.
For example, I felt pain for the people around me, I felt anger when they were angry and it was not pleasant. I felt the pressure from the place I am always in. I am not ever going to commit this folly again. Thank goodness for my experience last year that I have to be grateful for, for after that I have learnt to be partially detached. It is of course a good thing, for this world is one of impermenance anyway as we have learnt in Lit. Thank you, you GREAT and AMAZING SUBJECT!

OF COURSE, there is also the point that detachment may not have been achieved due to the sole publishing of this post, and also the need to engage this "mechanism" to cope. Well, we are of course humans and there are limitations to every solution. Hahaha. I find this highly amusing, sorry. I have no life now! I am a mugger. Well, then this calls for the typical YL solution of positive thinking. Let us adopt the best possible mindset as to why a certain event should occur, and twist it to suit your point of view. People may deem this delusion, but how can it be delusion if it is SOME EXTERNAL BEING TOTALLY UNINVOLVED in your experience deeming it delusion? Everyone will have a DIFFERENT set of memories. What right has that person have to interfere in your affairs? Sure, people do have the right to make their own decisions but as long as you believe in it with your own experience, for everyone will have a different view of what happened, (It is like as mentioned in Housekeeping, where Ruth speaks about how people have different "ghosts" and no one will ever have the same view of seeing things. It is through this where she comes to an acceptance. ) it is not delusion. And yes, there are signs of frustration that are obviously not hidden.

I need to run more. I am going to be as fast as that girl one day.
Yes and just live your happy sad lives, you insignificant people who do not dare to achieve what I want and dare to comment. Haha, sorry. (: PLEASE BELIEVE IN YOUR MENTAL STRENGTH.) Seriously, if you do not, you will just stand to lose like those who laugh. It is how the Haiti team won. They just formed their team six weeks ago before their first match.

Anyway, writing posts gives me this surge of emotions. At times I experience great happiness yet at times I feel depressed. Otherwise it is a combination of both. It is not yet eleven.

FEMALES NEED TO BE EMPOWERED!
Abandon the emotional attachment and engage the "magnet" approach instead! This way you get the best of both worlds. You get to experience joy as well as turn away when there is sorrow. Just tell yourself you are a robot. You can control yourself. You can, and you shall be empowered.

I am a magnet. I have dehumanized myself. Haha this is highly amusing. I love this phrase.

Now, back to embracing the human side of me.
I do love the text Wide Sargasso Sea a lot. I can really emphatize with Antoinette as well as Rochester, and I can fail to emphatize with them as well. You can feel a bit, and then you just back off. It is just to experience that surge of emotion for a few minutes and then you just wanna back off because you have to be strong and not let anything that does not concern you alter your emotions. You need control. Yes, that is just my aim. Writing is so fun. You get to argue with your mind. I feel like running now. I want to just run and run as in my Lucid dream which I miss so much cuz after my sixth one, I had a short seventh one but it was so short. It was probably for 30 seconds unlike the sixth one that went on until I grew sick of it.
I FELT SO POWERFUL. I had progressed in controlling my mind and used it to maximise my speed for sprinting. For the seventh one I tried flying and I did, but I did nothing much and then I remember there was silver infrastructure.

Last night I had a dream I went to speak to a random female stranger, but I knew it was a dream but I only knew it for a spilt second. I was in a park, near the beach. A lot of sand and I think there was a brewing storm and I chased after her to ask her how she trained. But no, I want my sixth dream back. I will have another Lucid dream again. The mind is really a scary thing. In my consciousness in the dream I could really change everything. It is as clear as reality and I will always remember how it is. Even the people are so real but I talked to them and told them they weren't real, which is really freaky because you know it is fake yet you are stuck in a dream world where you have such great control but yet people keep popping out and it is actually another aspect of your mind that is controlling the things popping out but you only have the aspect that controls what to change, not what is popping out. I am digressing hahahaha!

I hope I get a Lucid dream tonight again. I will use it to run and swim and fly and get all As, and grow taller. HAHAHHAHA BYE.

I copied this off a message a dear sister sent to me. It really touched me.
It will only take 3 minutes! Just spend 3 less minutes talking or logging onto a popular website or watch less television! :D
It spoke to me, and I pray that it will speak to you as well.

> >GOD IS GOOD
> >
> >This is so beautiful!
> >John 3:16
> >
> >A little boy was selling newspapers on the corner,
>>the people were in and out of the cold.
> >
> >The little boy was so cold that he wasn't trying to sell many
> > papers.
>>
> >He walked up to a policeman and said,
>>"Mister, you wouldn't happen to know
> >where a poor boy could
> >find a warm place to sleep tonight would you ?
> >
> >
> >
> > You see, I sleep in a box up around the corner there and
> >down the alley and it's awful cold in there for tonight.
> >
> > Sure would be nice to have a warm place to stay."
> >
> >
> > The policeman looked down at the little boy and said,
>>"You go down the street to that big white house and
>>you knock on the door. When they come
> >out the door you just say
> > John 3:16, and they will let you in."
> >
> > So he did. He walked up the steps and knocked
>>on the door, and a lady answered. He looked up and
>>said, "John 3:16." The lady said, "Come on in, Son."
> >
> > She took him in and she sat him down in a split
>>bottom rocker in front of a great big old fireplace,
>>and she went off. The boy sat there for a
> >while and thought to himself:
> > John 3:16 ...I don't understand it, but it sure makes
>>a cold boy warm.
> >
> >
> >
> > Later she came back and asked him "Are you hungry?"
>>He said, "Well, just a little. I haven't eaten in a couple of
>>days, and I guess I could stand a little bit of food,"
> >
> > The lady took him in the kitchen and sat him down to a
>>table full of wonderful food. He ate and ate until he couldn't
>> eat any more. Then he thought to himself:
> > John 3:16 ...Boy, I sure don't understand it but it sure
>>makes a hungry boy full.
> >
> >
> >
> > She took him upstairs to a bathroom to a huge bathtub
>>filled with warm water, and he sat there and soaked
> > for a while. As he soaked, he thought to himself: John 3:16...
> > I sure don't understand it, but it sure makes a dirty
>>boy clean. You know, I've not had a bath, a real bath, in my
>>whole life. The only bath I ever had was when I stood in front
>> of that big old fire hydrant as they flushed it out.
> >
> > The lady came in and got him. She took him to a room,
>>tucked him into a big old feather bed, pulled the covers up
>>around his neck, kissed him goodnight and turned out the
>>lights. As he lay in the darkness and looked
> >out the window at the snow coming down on that cold night,
> > he thought to himself:
> > John 3:16 ...I don't understand it but it sure makes a tired boy
> >rested.
> >
> >
> > The next morning the lady came back up and took him down
>>again, to that same big table full of food. After he ate, she took
>>him back to that same big old split bottom rocker in front of
>>the fireplace and picked up a big old Bible.
> >
> > She sat down in front of him and looked into his young face.
> > "Do you understand John 3:16? " she asked gently. He replied,
>> "No, Ma'am, I don't. The first time I ever heard it was last
>>night when the policeman told me to use it,"
> >
> > She opened the Bible to John 3:16 and began to explain
>> to him about Jesus. Right there, in front of that big old
>>fireplace, he gave his heart and life to Jesus.
> >
> > He sat there and thought: John 3:16 -- I don't understand it,
>> but it sure makes a lost boy feel safe.
> >
> >
> > You know, I have to confess I don't understand it either,
>>how God was willing to send His Son to die for me,
>> and how Jesus would agree to do such
> >a thing. I don't understand
> > the agony of the Father and every angel in heaven as
>>they watched Jesus suffer and die.
>>I don't understand the intense love for ME that
> >kept Jesus on the cross till the end. I don't understand it,
>>but it sure does make life worth living.
> >
> > John 3:16
> > For God so loved the world, that he gave his only
> > begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should
>> not perish, but have everlasting life.
> >
> >
> > If you woke up this morning
> > with more health than illness,
> > you are more blessed than the
> > million who won't survive the week.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you have never experienced
> > the danger of battle,
> > the loneliness of imprisonment,
> > the agony of torture or
> > the pangs of starvation,
> > you are ahead of 20 million people
> > around the
> > world.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you attend a church meeting
> > without fear of harassment,
> > arrest, torture, or death,
> > you are more blessed than almost
> > three billion people in the world.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you have food in your refrigerator,
> > clothes on your back,a roof over
> > your head and a place to sleep,
> > you are richer than 75% of this world.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you have money in the bank,
> > in your wallet, and spare change
> > in a dish someplace, you are among
> > the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If your parents are still married and
> >alive,
> > you are very rare,
> > especially in the United States.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you hold up your head with a smile
> > on your face and are truly thankful,
> > you are blessed because the majority can,
> > but most do not.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you can hold someone's hand, hug them
> > or even touch them on the shoulder,
> > you
> > are blessed because you can
> > offer God's healing touch.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If you can read this message,
> > you are more blessed than over
> > two billion people in the world
> > that cannot read anything at all.
> >
> >
> > You are so blessed in ways
> > you may never even know.

POEM TIME! (After this brief introduction. )

I feel that today is one of those rare moments where I actually write out more than what I usually would. The Literature lesson notedly highlighted how concealing emotions in works actually do reveal more than the other option of actually penning down your thoughts. I feel like I am digging up filthy dirt and pasting it on the television but that is life indeed sometimes, and we do learn and move on with great lessons attained. (: Hiding becomes fruitless after a certain period of time.

I usually compose entries that are serious in nature because I used to abhor the idea of declaring one's private life on this cold and unfeeling screen. Also, I did not enjoy the impacts of posting one's true emotions online. You would feel as though you were a fish out of water, scraped and scaled, scrubbed with sandpaper. Then COUNTLESS TIMES I write all my poems and then I start adding happy things to make a resolution because I cannot tolerate unhappiness and flaws in my life being broadcast. That is okay though. I have endeavored to stop the defensive mechanism of making everything "rainbows and butterflies". Hahaha. I feel strangely odd though.

"When I was that age"

When I was seven,
the girls in my class shrieked when the teacher told them they would marry boys.
I laughed to myself.
Silly girls, is that not the duty of females?
Who wants to be an expired fruit?

Duties, duties, duties.

When I was fourteen,
I liked an older guy and he liked me.
the girls in my circle shrieked that he never liked me and they cruelly brainwashed me.
Still, looking back, it was an interesting experience, and I learnt never to like just one person so much again.

When I was fifteen,
the girls in my school shrieked in delight at the thought of getting boyfriends and first kisses.
I laughed to myself.
If only they knew what each of us did with them behind closed doors.
Well, we all learn and grow up years later.

Mere duties, duties, duties.
All for the mere experience,
but still part of growing up.

When I was sixteen,
the girls in my life shrieked that relationships were for marriage.
I did not laugh.
If only they knew what I knew.

Duties, duties, duties.

When I was seventeen,
the people in my life shrieked that meaningless relationships were the trend.
I laughed to myself.
If only I had listened to them.
Then I did.

Duties, duties, duties.

When I was eighteen,
I told myself that I had control.

"I just will never give"

We were there together again.
Different place, Different time
Yet all the same, the same motive.
Like I did not know what you wanted.

Time seems to pass so slowly with you yet
it flies by when I am not with you.
No, get out of it. You are not getting controlled.

When we were there,
Things progressed just like the rain cycle,
continuous, soothing, refreshing, life-giving.

When we were not there,
the fishes leaped and bounced
gasping for air, repeatedly, fruitlessly.

And that was when I consulted my mind.
Is this what I really want?
I know I just will not give when there is nothing to get.

When we were there,
Things progressed just like the rain cycle,
continous, soothing, refreshing, life-giving.

I just will never give when there is nothing to get.
This way no one gets hurt.
You have to be firm in your stand.

OH MY GOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
(Haha I apologise beforehand, I am gonna talk about running again.)

I JUST RAN 2 KM IN 8 MINS 35 SECONDS, which is unbelievable to me at first but then I thought about it and realised how many 5.5km blocs I ran per week. And then I did train my speed also. Oh my gosh do you know how much I improved? Before I started training after the 2.4km we were supposed to take for NAPFA I ran 2.4km not as fast, which is really funny because people usually train before NAPFA but I trained after NAPFA hahaha.
It is possible! If you wanna do well for your fitness test, start training like me too!

HAHAHAHA WOW WOW WOW MY LUCID DREAM REALLY WORKED. (Must watch Inception now.)
Haha I am fascinated by dreams I started writing my dreams down ever since I read the article on Lucid dreams a few years back.
This Sunday morning I had my sixth lucid dream (where you have knowledge that it is a dream and have control over your own actions), so after making the pointy spear that was chasing me disappear cuz I knew it was a dream again and sliding down rollercoasters for fun, I remembered the article that told me atheletes used LUCID DREAMS TO TRAIN!

Haha, I am sorry if I am boring you with my dreams. :D
I teleported myself somewhere else to find a track so that I could train my speed and I ended up not being able to find one. I decided to take a bus since it required a lot of willpower to change the place. Do you know that lucid dreams look EXACTLY like reality? It is like NOW. It is a duplicate, and the likeness of it simply scares you. Just look anywhere around you now and you'll know how clear Lucid dreams are. It was really scary and I kept telling myself how shocked I was that things were so clear and bright like the current place I am at.

Then I realised since everything seemed like reality, it was really difficult to change anything. I made things appear but that required a lot of concentration. I could change my location too but I needed so much concentration I was mentally exhausted. Hence I took the bus in my dream to find my track to run at but I could not find a track so I merely alighted at one stop where there were many trees. It was too high so I used the "concentration" thing again and made the vine grow so that I could climb the tree since it required so much energy to make myself fly.

Haha and then I saw my cousin up there, and I told myself he is not real. I spoke to that illusion and I said "Hey, do you know that this is a dream? Are you having the same dream as I? Eh, why am I telling you this. You're not even real." And then I thought about how scary it was and I wanted to kill him to have control in my dream like I did in my previous Lucid dreams where eveyone was not real, but I did not, because this dream just seemed to real and I did not want this Lucid dream to be as violent as my previous Lucid dreams. Hence I decided to go off running since such dreams are best to train your atheletic powers as illustrated on the newspaper articles.

I have read numerous times that many atheletes actually engage such dreams to really push themselves and I am simply amazed at the results of it. Hence I jumped off the tree, and remembering that jumping too high will shock me out of my dream as I did in a former Lucid dream, I jumped on another small platform before jumping again so as to minimize the height that I were to jump if I got off at one go.

Haha and then I saw the sea and I told myself that I could run on water. Then I ran and ran and I realised that I actually could do it since it was not reality. The waves kept coming on and I almost drowned on the third wave, and then I remembered that I could control the waves and the waves became smaller haha and then I grew so mentally exhausted I just did not care anymore. In the dream itself, time actually passes by extremely slowly so I just stopped using my brainpower and then I came out of the lucid dream, back to a normal dream, where I told my classmate I just had a dream and she was inside. Haha, so cool right. Hahaha, at least I think it is.

Oh my gosh I wanna have such a dream again. Hahaha. I should be thankful. After all, according to the article, if my memory serves me well, only 25% of all adults have at least 1 lucid dream in their lifetime. If you have a Lucid dream anytime soon, remember to use it to train on something you like! The experience will be breathtaking.

Hello, I shall compose a story now, since I am home rather early and the rest of the school is probably having PTM soon. I am really happy! Ran 5.5 km today in the gym. Well, I do know that it is indeed a lot easier in the gym, and I would love running in the outdoors too but enduring the sun during school hours is simply unbearable. Haha! Shall run outdoors when I am free on weekends.

Alright, I shall tell you about my fitness level which you probably are unconcerned about.
Oh yeah, I found out my position for Cross Country and I actually got 12th! I was extremely disappointed because on that day, I did not make it into the Top Ten even though I knew I was faster than the J1s who got into it, hence the great disappointment. Haha, Evelyn got 11th and we are the sad ones who did not get any medal nor recognition! ): Wouldn't even have known if I did not ask the teacher. Well, I have trained insanely after that and I am sure I am much faster now. (:

Now for my story. I was thinking that perhaps I should write from a male's point of view. Pretty sure that that story would sound as though it were composed by effeminate male though. I wonder. Often times, I would have a story in my head at odd timings when I am far away from the computer, and when I actually sit in front of the screen, I decide not to post it. Rationality.
Ta-da.

"Pen and Paper"

Before I forget the events that transpired, I shall quickly note them down. I feel as though my memories would slip away before I can jot them down. No, no. It cannot happen. I don't want to lose it, it must stay close. I think that if I write it down, perhaps I can have some rein over my emotions. Maybe, but then again, how can emotions be real? It is all chemicals. I learnt it from the textbook, and then my teacher told me there is no such thing as love, just chemical reactions.
What do I believe? I went out just now. No, I believe. I believe it is I who controls everything I believe in. Yes, if I tell myself I will get that, so I will. Yes, yes. Quickly now. I remember that day. It was a strange day. Odd, but not yet strange, because it was just different. I would not have seen you on normal days. No, yes, but no, things like that can be created. Then again, who creates it? You, or I? Do I really want that? I made myself feel that way. I just wanted to. Perhaps subconsciously, (or is it really the conscious mind?) I did not want it. There must have been an action which turned it away. Is that? No, I am not penning it down. It is too dangerous. It is evidence, that I have felt this way before. No, I cannot have that. I need control. No evidence shall bring me away from my aims.

I stopped writing. I just bought a lighter just now. Somehow I went out to buy a shirt, but could not find it and I saw a lighter. I bought it, and it will come in handy now. Slowly, I took the lighter out and pressed it. Sparks. Yes, burn the evidence. Let it burn, let it be consumed. I saw how the flames engulfed the side, and then it stopped. Why? Is that a sign to tell me evidence can NEVER be removed? What the heck. No, It must burn. I'll take the pen and cancell it so it'll be hidden. Wait, did that happen in the past or am I cancelling my words now? I do not know. I merely remember something, something about the ligher. Oh no, what's happening. I must find that paper. I must cancel it off, I must burn it. No, no, where is it?

--------------------------
Haha, that is example of mad writing.
Okay, have fun! :D

I shall dedicate this post to the world of fitness and health.
Fitness, health and the idea of losing weight is all about 4 main pillars.
They are, according to my source, "Strength, Cardio, Nutrition and Mental".

I shall speak on mental strength. It is extremely important to know that this diet of lifestyle that you are going to embark on is one that you can sustain for a lifetime. If you are to do this for let us say 90 days, on the 91th day, you will start stuffing yourself and gaining back all the weight loss.
Now, what is the most ideal way?
That is to exercise and to eat in discrete amounts. Do not ever stop yourself from getting your cravings. For example, if you yearn for cheesecake like I usually do, do allow yourself to eat it! Just go running later or cut down on some rice to allow some space for indulging yourself in these deemed unhealthy foods.

Haha, I am kinda obsessed about health and fitness now, explaining the post.
I have been successful and I have lost more than 4kg already!
Start being healthy today!

The benefits of exercising are that you will become an extremely disciplined person, have better stamina, have good complexion, attain greater attention span and focus.

I will do the guy pull-ups. Must train. Hahahahahhaa.

(I am happy! :D Yes I am. Haha, I feel so good after writing that post.
I have this urge to delete that negativity but I guess lashing it out is good. Yay! :D)

I really dislike how certain men like to control women.

Where is the equality? No, I know what you are gonna tell me.
Religion has dictated that women are of lesser importance.
Moreover, the average men possesses considerable strength that is far greater that any average female being. They can scare you, use their fists, beat you, harm you and you HAVE TO SUBMIT. Not unless you arm yourself or train, but you're still weak.
Oh and then this character keeps calling us and finding out where we are. It makes me want to leave more, you know? (: You need to create respect. It is really sad.
And then it comes the time where I typically become positive.
Yeah, I really hope he learns.

And then usually I write angry stuff and delete it all and make it sound positive by refuting all the anger by saying they care, yes they do! No, I am not doing that today.

By the way, I am merely saying whatever I want. I am not crafting a GP argument.
However, I feel that we HAVE RIGHTS.
What gives a male the advantage to deem females as objects?
They use patronizing words like "hot", and "babe" and they treat them like trophy girlfriends.
And then there is this idea that we should submit.
When we marry, we shall stay at home and we shall be the housecleaner.
And then that man says, "you are supposed to look after the house" in that condescending manner and then he is the one that wastes his life away. I can't stand you.

That is the notion that is entrenched in the patriarchal society, I tell you.

No, I am living in the modern day society, my dear.

Actually, no matter what, females still submit.
You know why? They want to be accepted. They do not want to be spinsters.
Social mores.
And yes, a buddy in bed.
It is so sad, cuz we're all like that. We don't wanna be alone.
What is this world coming to?
LOL.
It is so sad, it is so sad.
But I am happy. I just like writing when I feel annoyed.
The anger just flows through and the writing seems so vibrant. Hah.

I control my emotions. (:
Gee, my partner will not be like that. We will be equal.

I should do the right things.
The message on Saturday was truly God-sent. I listened, and let go.
Often times we do things that are not right, just to prove a point or to make someone affected.
Thanks Qi for telling me to do the correct things too.
They are all in Malaysia right now for the Bible Conference.
I should be going off to study too.

"Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds thy hands have made.
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout, the universe displayed."

The song is playing in my head right now.
I gotta study soon! Woke up late and have not studied yet.
Shall have an intimate relationship with Econ soon.
Let go off all the unnecessary things that will impede my progress.
Happy!
And History, my neglected darling, I shall come to you soon. Hahaha.

Purefancy.
What is purefancy.
Haha, was not feeling pretty happy and have been moody for a while.
I control my emotions! Smile. (:

Must be positive like I always am! I do not like the feeling I experience when I get irritated or angry easily because I usually do not feel that way unless I am experiencing bad mood swings.
It's okay, it'll be over by tomorrow. (:
The play yesterday was really great and Interact farewell was memorable.
I will miss the great moments.

I feel like I am not myself most of the time.
Gotta stop that, and be happy. (:
Strive on!
Must fully utilise the holidays.

Time for a poem to fill up the time I have to wait from now till the time the pictures from yesterday's farewell gets uploaded.

Only experience pleasant emotions.
That is all to satisfaction. Haha.

Oh no, the upload failed.
Okay I am going off.

"Like how you always cared"

You glare at it each time you pass,
Like you do not care,
And perpetually speak about its evil deeds at lunchtime,
Like it is worthless in your life.
Your anger engulfs you, it has corrupted your vision.
Anger is an armor you put on, a weapon you wield,
And you strike it down so cruelly without a chance,
Like you do not care,

Like how you always cared.
-------------------------------
Haha, another poem up!

I am gonna live more healthily from now on. Just ran 10.15km in 2 days. I feel pretty motivated now to do this on a weekly basis.

I felt that the civics elective program was actually extremely helpful in reinforcing the fact thta we have to believe in ourselves. No matter how people call me delusional, as some friends do (haha, jokingly and when they mean it), and I know that they have good intentions, but we still have to be positive and have dreams. I keep reminding myself that I will be able to do well, and achieve my dream and pursue the career I want that was prevented from taking off due to higher intervention and my age, and the opportunity was gone, but there is a time and purpose for everything. After the A's, that is. (:
I must believe that I'll get a better opportunity.

To those who have been belittled or doubted, the first step to success is actually believing that something is possible! Believe in yourself, and ignore the people who tell you you cannot succeed, for even if you can't be the best, you'll be somewhere near, and know that you have tried.

Yeah, today my friend told me that I ignore all the bad comments, and I am thankful that my friend mentioned this. In life, one cannot expect everyone to feel the same way about something, and the thing is, everyone has different opinions. I guess life is subjective, and we cannot please everyone, and hence, sometimes in life we just have to do what we feel will benefit us, and not aim to please everyone else, for you'll end up losing fuel and eventually burning out.
Believe in yourself!

After reading it, I edited much and changed it all to joyful things.
Is that what I do all the time, make everything out to be blessed and happy?
I think that's my coping mechanism, and it really works.
Haha, you should try it!

This post is not very nice. Well, I have to let it out anyway.
I don't wanna become insane.
I changed all the words after I wrote it all down.

I really hope you cease to exist now. I have forgiven you too many times. You are really unbelievable.
You know, my posts were all cheery and forgiving, optimistic and loving, but not this one.
Enough with words that blasts your violent nature (i.e. threatening words) and scolding her with words like why we aren't doing this and that for you and controlling others. Enough of the abuse and psychological damage. I don't even feel anything for you, except dislike sometimes, which is bad, because it shows that you affect my life.
Darn! I need to master the art of the lack of emotion!
Haha, yeah but after a while I usually get used to it and start being nice again.

I need to feel nothing for you.
Okay, occasional concern when you're nice.

You're insane and I really dislike returning to whatever place you're in.
I always forget, and then when something happens, I remember why I avoided being around in the first place. Is that selective memory, that I always forget what happens, only the joyous things?
You deserve to be alone, with none of us. You verbally abuse us whenever we're just sitting around and make out your pathetic deeds to be so great. LOL.
Haha, but now when I edit this after my anger has subsided, I see less suffering.
And you made him a miniature version of you.
LOL.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

I have forgiven you too much,
yet I am so forgiving.
I forget it after a while.
You know why? All because it makes me happy and live without a care.
Good that it only affects me momentarily,
but it has affected her too much.
I need to help her.

Okay I'm off to study. (:
I love econs.
I AM HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.
YAY.
Darn, I need privacy.

Haha, so anyway, I didn't get to re-do my NAFPA because that would mean that I'd have to retake 2.4km. Hence, I shall stick with the almost perfect score. Haha. (:
Well, at least other people will achieve it for me.

Actually, after writing all that anger down, I am very tempted to delete it all away because it is evidence that I was upset once. I do not like negativity, but we do need to let it manifest itself in words, don't we? We need someone to read it, to make it become real, so that someone can understand the plight we're in. I know other people go through this too, perhaps even worse fates.

Well, I'm off to study soon!

What is the extent of harm you will inflict upon the one you supposedly love?
Would you go through his personal things, attain information you want about him through despicable means, or haunt him online by undertaking some anonymous role?

I find all that really infuriating, and I feel that the actions you're adopting on him, my friend, is not very wise, and I wish I had control for myself too. Yet control is elusive, and freedom is not near at the moment. Is choice the only reason for success? Does choice equate to happiness? Perhaps the elimination of choice serves as a mode of stability, and it abolishes all need to blame and all reason to care. It keeps us in a comfort zone.

Yet I am happy everyday, or as much as I attempt to be. To be in this mode serves as a comfort zone, and it protects and it nourishes, and it assists you in going on this road of life.

Happy, all because I am in control and those stupid, DAMNED negative people can just screw off. Seriously.

Is there romantic love? I see no love but lust, and it will remain that way. People own and people have control, and they lose the attraction they once had and there is no love but just familiarity. Humans tend to prefer something known to them, and something they can rely on. Does that mean we're not open to choices?

Is this my way of comfort?

I would like to have the whole world, but would the whole world accept change? What is change. Change is something out of the blue, unexpected, unlikable, undesirable, unwanted. Unwanted.
People do not like different things.

Closed society,
yet we learn to adapt.

And we're safe.

And we're all happy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Haha okay, watched some motivational thing again.
YES.

I changed my mind. I believe in the law of attraction, again.
I get the things I believe. (:
Yes.

POSITIVE. POSITIVE.
IGNORE.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Haha okay enough of the serious talk.
I wanna do those guy pull-ups man.
I wanna be stronger.
I can go up halfway already.

I will protect myself.

Too many choice, and too many things to believe in.
Security is essential for success,
and only I determine success.
Do not let anyone in. (:

Shall share with you my experience for NAPFA. It may sound perhaps senseless to you
that I actually care about it a lot, but well, I like such stuff. (:

For yesterday, I obtained a fault jump for standing broad jump three times and got zero. Hence, it was a failure.
I was really so upset that I just cried a few times because I always did well for it and got A.
I just could not do it. There was a factor that contributed to that failure and it was the lack of trust in the Lord that He'll see me through any obstacle.

However, for today, I prayed and I got what I wanted. :D I just trusted Him.
Really thank the Lord! He works miracles. ((:
He always helps us in time of need.

Actually, what I wish to proclaim is that no matter what, we just have to be dependent on him and place all our trust in Him. He'll see us through.
Thanks for the encouraging words.

Haha, I'm gonna make this a personal post and ramble on about what I wish to achieve like how normal people blog.

Almost got A for inclined pull-ups though. 2 more of it. They're more strict in this school. Had 29/30 overall.
I am almost there in terms of reaching a perfect score, MY DREAM as mentioned in my previous post. It is my dream and I will achieve it!! Shall train for it.
I am going to carry more weights and I am a tough girl man. (See the irony?)
Shall retake it on Wed. :DD Hahaha.

"Translated"

There is an essence of time that causes humans to forget,
to conjure a false memory or to eradicate the long forgotten,
to the extent of utter delusion,
like nothing happened,
disremembered,
obliterated,
as though a complete removal would translate the present
into a fairytale,
with damned happy endings,
with a beautiful prince and a handsome princess,
with a brick house constructed by their unfailing love, that tumbled
when the wolf went down the chimney,
and when the princess shrieked in fear,
and the prince died of shock and
left her yet alone.
These are the happy endings we all yearn for.
Don't we all?

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Roleplay"

If life were a stage,
and we were all her clowns,
who manipulated the audience's emotions
with our carefully crafted scripts,
who are the real clowns?

If life were a stage,
and the ticket for the perpetual performance were a dollar and half cents,
with our personal selection of scenes,
would you have stayed to watch?

If life were a stage,
and I knew you were watching me,
would you still have done what you did?
------------------------------------------

Haha, I am gonna be really random now but the poem prize I won last year was commendation one, not a consolation! ): Haha, so I am not in a sports cca, and I don't take part in competitions and stuff, so winning something consoled me slightly. (:

Yeah, thanks. Haha, yeah, and I submitted all the soppy sad stuff which I composed when I was bored, which amounted to a lot. Poor teachers!

I suppose writing is an outlet whereby we verbalise what we usually store up, in case we explode because of frustration one day. Yet I filter out tons of info, and I alter it to please the internet.
I have always abhorred the phrases that declare lovey dovey emotions and stuff, and I really dislike writing "I miss you" on blog posts and stuff. Everyone writes them everywhere!

Yet, we are all human and we all will miss someone, friend or lover, but the mere act of proclaiming it on websites and stuff only makes you appear desperate for love, but we all need love.
Yet, missing is normal, and I miss so many people and things.
I miss the people who have left the world, the friends who have deserted me, the state of being free, the opportunities I had, the youth we all had once, and the very pleasant memories.

I am so weird. I am just rambling on and on.
I wish I loved writing as much as I used to.

Last year, I could just write on and on without feeling false.
Now, I just write on so that I can feel better.

I am happy.

Oh, I wanna get perfect score for NAPFA man.
This is my last shot at it.
Have carried weights and stuff since last year. Hope it pays off. I'm a strong girl!

Infatuation is merely a cover. It gets you over other things.

Do you know, that we can manipulate ourselves easily?
If you keep feeding yourself with the statement that you can't get over it,
you shall be stuck in quicksand and be drenched by your self-fulfilling prophesy.

Hence, we shall live on.

"Infatuation"

Those first few glances irked me
but when you drew closer, I saw that gleam in
those eyes, those understanding windows,
a turbulent rush of emotions,
sorrow amongst many, windows
to another entity altogether.

You remind me of someone
I once knew.

But people tend to like the same kind of people,
not for the people they once knew.

Those defined jaws of strength, and that
euphoria and those moments of sheer joy.
That period redefined the list that made the mark.
That late afternoon, when you wore that simple shirt,
nothing to distract me from your kind smile.

Or was it the attention you gave that drew me?
Those understanding windows.
Repeatedly, until we were attuned to each other.
Distinct individuals with small moments of eye contact.

I saw you again.
And that friendly smile,
and a reciprocal smile.

If I only I really knew you.
And if you knew what my smile meant.

----------------

Hahaha! This is such a super mushy poem.
It is my first blissful poem if my memory serves me right.
I have not done posts in that dreary manner in a pretty long time.
Just read a reading that many writers suffer from depression and mental instabilities.
It is probably due to the perpetual need to be sorrowful in order to compose an impressive piece of work.

I should be studying!
I love to study. I am a bookworm.

I feel so formal.
Hahaha.
And yeah, I just read the "Yes, Now I remember" poem and I do realise something.
Yeah. (: Haha, be glad for good memories.

What is love actually?
There are countless kinds of love, and the greatest of all is Agape love that God gives to us.

Is Lust love?
Hmm.
------

Little actions.
Your reactions.
Humans!

I'm quite sad now. I see pictures of other models and how they have the freedom and parental approval. I should know it's God's will that I was not allowed to sign the contract with the agency last year. But I see pretty well-known models from that agency and I feel quite disappointed. Okay. You are a student. You're 18. Think when you really hit 18 after your A's! Yes, and I so agree that models are not stick-thin. Come on, not all people can be anorexic or bulimic just so that you can admire their bones. Of course skinny beautiful people look nice, but do skinny ugly people look nice? I think size 4-6 is okay. I am against being size 0 though. And yes, I do nmot really bother following trends and all and since I am not allowed to sign a contract, I can only do limited work. It is quite sad. You know you have the opportunity, you know people have to start young, but maybe there are greater opportunities. Perhaps you'll get a better agency, or maybe a better job. How about a practical one like a teacher? I do not know at this point in time.

Currently obsessing over Taiwanese Drama "Down with Love", starring Jerry Yan and Ella Chen. They have great chemistry and an interview highlighted the physical intimacy between them. Aww. (: Wish they were together. Okay, so I am spazzing out over Taiwan shows like a Secondary Sch girl I used to be. Well, JC kids can relax too. It is just that Arts students usually prefer things like books or fashion, or perhaps even music? People are different. This blog post is unlike the rest too. I am going on and on about what I am thinking about instead of thinking.
Okay gtg.

I am really traumatized now. I shouldn't have watched the video of The Chinese skinning the dog alive. Darn it. Why didn't the cameraman stop that cruel guy from skinning the dog? Is it for the sake of people watching the video so that they can put a stop to such a trade?

I really, really regret watching it. I feel extremely traumatized. I am just staring into space. Darn it arghhh.

They use the fur for stupid things like SOFT TOYS?

Please sign the online petition!
http://animalsaviors.org/

This is the video.
Do not watch it if you're afraid of how graphic it is.

If you watch it, I don't think you'll wanna buy those toys again.
That's better though.

I'm just so angry at the cameraman. I know they wish to spread awareness but couldn't he have just stopped this one more dog from getting tortured and left to die?

Grrr.

"Yes, now I remember"

I thought she said it was over.
Over means to be on top of,
to be past something.

Yet she views you from behind.
What familiarity, yet so
Foreign, like a decayed leaf on the ground,
disconnected from the branch, and the tree-
its source of life.

It's not the same.
It has been chemically modified, and we know
that according to its law, it cannot be altered.
It cannot.

I thought she said it was over.
Yes, now I remember.

I keep deleting what I type here. It's like your mind has this coffee bag filter or something.
I think.

The A's are approaching.
I constantly tell myself that and I feel really stressed but I'm gonna relax. Take a step at a time.
Should be studying now. I feel perpetually tired. I think it is the stress. I sleep really early.

I wish I could do more to help.
If only I had the capabilities.
And if only I had the time.

I dreamt that I was in a game sorta battle in mid-air at least sixty stories up.
There were those orange and dark blue tubes and I was gonna fall off already.
They were going to crush me or something. And I saw a giant Oreo. Haha!
Must have watched "American Gladiator" too much.
Spend your time wisely!
Haha.

It's the time of the month where I feel extremely moody again and then question the existence of life.
I have to keep reminding myself that it is merely the result of hormones in your body.
Darn it! (: Smile manz.

Was singing karaoke at the top of my voice. Poor neighbours.
I am happy!
The park exploration with my friend was good. It really made me unwind. Visited Mama after that. I wish I could spend more time with her. I wish she would smile more. I think she thinks I am silly. Haha. Perhaps I try to hard to make amends. I constantly remind myself that it could be the last time I am seeing her and so I tell them I love them every time. They should think I am nuts. I don't even do that to my parents.

Ever since my mum's mother departed from this Earth, I told myself I had to love the remaining grandparents more. I used to cry in the middle of the night in bed to make myself feel remorse. I am thankful that she accepted Christ before she died though. I was in YF camp that year in Sec 1. I was this stupid little kid who thought it was a waste of time to visit her since she could not even open her eyes to see me. Or I just did not want to remember a bad image of her. I remembr she taught me how to fold a paper crane. I knew she was dying then. I miss her. Oh man. I should stop thinking of sad things. No one is as sad as her daughter though. I know why.

But it's over! Life goes on and she's blissfully in heaven. I know with assurance that I will see her there when I go there. I have been a bad girl though. I have many transgressions that I feel ashamed of. But I have prayed that I will forgive myself, and I have. Hope others can forgive me too.
==================================================================

Oh yeah.

People always judge the pictures and things.
They do not know what I have to go through.
Wish they wouldn't be so close-minded. Come on, it's the new century!
I just gotta deal with it man.
Admit some pics were ugly though hahaha.

I wanna make friends and not foes. It isn't a nice feeling.

Everyday is a new day. (:
Live on of Him.

Last year in AJ.
Currently not used to studying so often and attempting to do some work everyday.
Hols were great.
Open house was pretty interesting.
More people than I imagined came.

Glad I got to talk to some people again.
I really like the feeling of having light conversations and forgetting past faults.

YF camp last year, or in fact, a few weeks ago was extremely encouraging.
It made me realise that I have been committing many acts that were not glorifying at all.
Pictures. Stuff. Character.
Gonna change that a step at a time.

I learnt that God is truly the one that extends to us the joy of happiness.
I am no longer happy doing stuff I did before like that worldly part time thing.
I'm not glad anymore, just doing.
There is lack of joy.
It feels very horrid, like I am just doing it merely to do it.
And I get unhappy when I brood over certain matters that I did wrong in the past, attempting to forgive myself for the events I allowed myself to be exposed to when I could have not taken part in, and then telling myself it is long over, and then feeling sad once in a while.

Geeeeeez. It's a happy day! Balloons for Interact, made special ones for Vaish and Chuanie. (: Hahahaa.

Home pretty early. Legs sore from walking.
Gonna do work.

This is mainly for girls and also for guys.
Haha it's not a nice topic and I don't know who reads my blog anymore but yeah.
Sorry, I just need to vent it out so if you don't like reading about this, please ignore it.

Just saw a link about molest! Go and see it.
It really helps you to psychologically prepare and PROTECT YOURSELF.
Keep something in your bag that can fend off attackers but won't get you into trouble.

When I was in primary and secondary school, I encountered a lot of cases including myself being the victim and also my friends being victims. The predator always gets away with it because we dare not say something about it. They just always got away!

AND. They can be anyone. There was once when a group of teenage boys who attacked me at Hougang Mall in early Sec Three.

There was even a worker at the petrol kiosk station in Malaysia. And Disneyland, with his kid there. It's not safe at all anywhere. Some were even like in their twenties? There is no stereotype. You girls should keep pepperspray in your bag.

Then I kept playing it in my mind for days and blaming myself all the time for it. Then I tried to sleep so I would forget it. I wish I could always have done something about it. It's so bad that up till now, I am still very paranoid everywhere I go and keep a distance from men in public places.

And I regret not being able to help my friends too when I actually SEE it happening. I even witnessed it being done to other women and I did not help on at least three occasions. I regret it terribly now. Therefore, protect yourself! Always watch your back and beware when someone swings his hand too close.

I was on the way to church and this foreign man was swinging his hand towards me and I jumped away and glared at him and prevented it. It happened at the MRT station. Please be careful girls! And remember, speak up immediately!

But yeah, I try to forgive them after a while because I always just got angry about it and I never felt good. Prevention is better than cure though!