My dear, what lies beneath your painful gaze?
That thought of mournful loneliness.
Cold touches of warm lust,
And painless shrieks of happiness
Coated with fine, white sugar crystals and
Insanely lighted candle wax dripping,
Dripping, dripping down my head.
No touch can consume that fixated gaze that made me
Freeze in that warm, summer night.
It was like a dream, a winter dream of warmth and
Of hope, but how can there be hope in winter?
There is only hopeful coldness.

Let go of your joy, my friend, and let go, only to replace
Your joy with ecstasy.
With merriment.
With wedding bells.

Isn't it the same thing?

My friend, you have gone insane.
You are not stable, my fair lady, my fair man,
My fair judge, my fair role model.

(:

I love insane ramblings of disheartened poetry and prose. Amusement and
Letting loose. My first love- the love of language and my second love- the love of picture art and creation,
Which was why I put so much into modeling previously. Sing, my friend, sing the long song, your year late song and your year late dream.

I have always been careful to expose particles of myself in life, for I have acquired the knowledge that exposure led to vulnerability. Of course, it is perfectly fine if you don't mind getting hurt, but that is a choice. What is the reward and what is the punishment?

Raw fish can have a good taste for some people because rawness is tenderness, and tenderness has the same meaning as love. Tender as twines and fir cones and tendrils and another note, lustful young leaders. Raw and your meaningless artworks of merriment and sore affection. Dry up like wet tissues turned cold and mouldy, and wither like raw flowers of chrysanthemum. There is still hope. Sometimes I fall into your trap as well, and I have only myself to blame. Get out, be untangled, it is only by choice.

But these are other people. I can choose my own exposure. (: we can be strong.

I want my story. I wanna throw all the paint I can. I wanna have the most colorful experience. For me.

I love the feeling I get after running! I FEEL EXTREMELY RECHARGED AND SO EXCITED! Honestly, the reason why I participate in this activity is because of the mental and physical benefits I would receive as a reward. Oh my goodness, I LOVE RUNNING! IT IS AMAZING. I feel extremely in control of myself, especially mentally. I especially love how I overtook another just now, as this sport definitely trains you mentally. Honestly, in the past, when I used to run so much, I did feel tired sometimes but my mental strength was so strong. However, after being in my current industry and also drinking the water, honestly, it really helps so much. Truthfully, I really do not believe it is psychological, but instead, physical as well! I CAN DO IT!!! GONNA SLEEP!

Contemplation is required to be an ongoing process in life. We need to contemplate about consequences before partaking in particular actions. Being on an auto pilot mode is strictly a no-go, as this has the tendency to destroy many human beings. The scary thing is that this is a gradual process, not an immediate one. In other words, it will be a slow death. I am sure one wouldn't wish to lose their humanity and sanity in most cases yeah. Contemplate and process before you post ridiculous things on Facebook. I have little tolerance for people who do that in reality as it reflects a lot about their flawed generic makeup. It's not nice!

Anyway, opportunity cost is the cost of the next best alternative good forgone. When your opportunity cost is high, please make the best of it! Come on girl! (: I always loved this theory, I need to apply it fully!

There's a reason why I gave up my Uni slots in SMU and NUS. I never posted this online before in detail, especially in August, where it was difficult. why I did this was because I saw an opportunity in my job. Times may be slow sometimes and high at times, and sometimes actions do not mirror intentions and we end up drooping, but there's this goal. There is this desire to never cave in to leave incompleted in the task that I wanna do. There is this need I have in me that makes me wanna persevere despite facing difficulties, and sometimes my actions don't tally and results don't. We all will find ourselves. Correct actions. there is a dream, and dreams are things that keep us going. Monotony is a trap. It is like quicksand. I wanna succeed. I need to go running for that drive! (:

Theme: Juxtaposition (notice the transition from less than positive to positive!)

I can be anything you want me to be.

 I am a bat of many colours, even though bats are typically black unless in fake worlds, but I can sing songs of loneliness that will squeeze the creepiest juice out of the most shriveled up human being without love. 

I am Cynicism, and I see nothing but pain and I pick dust out of clean cloth. I can see grey in an immaculate set of sparkling bright dishes, scrubbed once by Mommy and once by the dishwasher. 

I am a song. I am a string of perfectly correlated notes that are bound up in a necklace of melody. My tune goes for ages and is often repeated by sane mankind, who often ironically become submerged in my words and drown in sorrow. 

BUT, What is I am a dove? I am pure and my impeccable coat of white shines even in the gloomiest of nights. In daylight, my enchanting songs will echo throughout the cheery cities and envelop in radiant bliss. My bliss will multiply tenfold, and I will send you praise. 

I am Acceptance. I receive, and I respond with loving kindness and graceful speeches, for according to the laws of wordings, there needs to be peace. Calmness is the centrality of my life, and I greet every 'misfortune', commonly misregarded by the world as castrophic, as a lesson learnt. Why is that so? Honestly, everything happens for a reason. I have understood why from what I have gone though. 

I am a song. I am a string of perfectly correlated notes that are bound up in a necklace of melody. My tune goes for ages and is often repeated by sane mankind, who relish and revel in the great joy we bring. When song fills the soul, the soul is uplift.


We can see Anything the way we wish to perceive it with. Why not, choose the right glasses? 

We all each have a thousand stories and a million tales to tell about our individual boxed up lives, otherwise about the open entity we each possess. The importance of each story lies in the reader's hands. It can be mildly important or even extremely striking in nature. Each page can be read and interpreted in so Many ways! There are countless settings you can
Place these self-written storybooks in, and each way is so
Unique to the respective reader who consumes the book either in part or in whole. This is meant to confuse, not
To be understood. Interesting is the thought of man, for man have many thoughts. These innumberable thoughts often scare me.
Your intentions can scare me but yet can mean nothing to others. Hmm, let it be glad though! However, the intentions of these thoughts can be sadly ignored too. Human interaction is confusing sometimes and often leads to an unnecessary depth of misery. Yet, it is the existence of this misery that pleasurizes these living creatures. How interesting yet again. (: we are all single beings who attempt to glue fallen leaves together to create a green tree. How the vibrance of these dead leaves attract them. Dead leaves are meant to supply new life, and dead leaves have no duty in life. Let it be peaceful always, and happiness would reign above all things which are nothing. I wish everybody were happy and pure, but I know it Is best if we do our best and be real yeah. (:

Happiness is the best, and happiness is inside. (: it has always been, and will always be. Haha, love
These random rantings for they are so beautiful crafted. Stories.

You know, sometimes I want to know every story. Some people draw me to them
And I wanna read them. I tend to analyst a lot and then sometimes I don't for it is too bad. Analysis is meant for being sharp. A lot of times I choose not to do that, but it becomes a habit to not read things. Rmb to read at appropriate timings, and the most important thing is to be happy. Rmb to understand from different shoes. I have never worn yellow or maroon shoes in my life so I will never understand, but I can emphasize. I miss literature! yet I hate it for it makes me analyze too much! Double edged swords huh. Haha, okay I just wanna be normal and sleep, good night!

Dad Spending his birthday and anniversary with me at hospitals. Thanks dad!
I don't feel as well but I will be fine. We can do this! Haha looking forward to dinner. I am so awfully hungry.

It is amazing how things always change. Yes, mentality definitely has been built and can be built over time, but at the Same time, it is still a matter of applying that. Matter of application alone is determined by choice! It's amazing to know that you have amazing support around you. Got 2 consecutively for three days, and then none for two days but got 4 today. Didn't even think of that, but it was my peers who reminded me of the correct skills to apply, and to be calm. (: feels amazing. Thanks!

On a light mode, the movie The Assassination of an American President has great values that highlight the importance of upholding justice. The juxtaposition of blinded biasedness and uncorrupt justice completely Highlights human imperfection. Blah. Haha. I am now in a state of peace. Love the underlying values of it.

Someone taught me that it is not good to block away emotions.
It really felt alright to feel pain, and then feel happy again a few days later.

One thing I have learnt throughout the short span of years I have lived, is that everything happens for a reason. As I am a Christian, I believe it is God's plan. Of course, many others also believe that things happen for a reason, whether or not it is related to my own belief. Definitely, it does.

I know and I remember the reason why I blocked away emotions, because I was harmed terribly and I wanted to protect myself. Harmed not in that icky relationship way, neither was it some friend thing if you may ask. I was so terribly destroyed and the happy girl was torn. I cannot describe how it broke me, but I have the confidence to say now that I am happy. Forgiveness is one thing that was the main theme in my life before it happened, and that event took away probably eight months of happiness subconsciously. It was so painful. Forgiveness at that time was momentary and it was so hard, but we must know to put ourselves in the shoes of the perpetrator and forgive. I have always been abiding by this theme in my life, for forgiving others made me happier. I love the feeling I get when there is no heavy weight of anger that makes my heart literally feel very heavy, and I love that lightweight feather thing that pounds very slightly every second when there is no hatred, but only love for humanity. I know that many people find it not easy to forgive, but the only reason why I wish to forgive is because I wanna be happy. It is this simple, and it makes me genuinely happy when others are happy. Just make myself safe, and no one will have the opportunity to harm you. Do not put yourself in compromising situations and you will be happy.

I am going to allow myself to feel.
It is alright to feel. (:
I know my choice of words may seem like I still wanna block off, like "allowing myself to" do things, but we all need time. I feel like composing flighty words again.
My little childlike and bouncy feather-like lyrics which dazzle in sunlight.

And our happy memories will conjoin with the cheery present, and together, they will compose wonderful songs of hope.

And Hope, it is a very important thing.

I was wrong to have felt up and down previously. Always trust in the Lord and He give you strength. Now past compositions mean nothing. Psalm 27 (KJV) (:

Throw yourself in midair and scream in joy,
For little quails, like joyous balloons, have surrounded us both.
Celebrations and decorations of crepe paper and warmth,
Of short-lived gratitude that marks the end of dawn.

I woke up, remembering this sight.

Baby, do you remember us prancing past the grey concrete walls that very first night?
When it meant nothing at all, and we were just two plain characters that came together,
To craft a crazy story of pretentiousness.

When it means something, it becomes so painful because reality kicks in,
But how can reality realize itself if the foundation was flawed?

And then I forget, and dark blue inks spills all over my storybook.
There is no such story. What lies have you spun with your lips, dearest.
You will never be anyone's dear if they know the wrongs you have done.
The lies you have written and the truth be declared,
On stones and tablets and on monuments that go down in history.
How melodramatic.
After all, it is just a dream, my friend.

But Friend, we go through a lot, and you are just like me.
There's too much pain and uncertainty.
When I let loose, you turn away,
When previously I did not, your grip was firm.
And I am like a half-torn rope that can go both sides,
depending on our grips.

For friend, you have no idea how my mind works.

-------------------

Such a scary story.
Smiling, laughing, meaningless hugs and blessings. You can struggle to feel sometimes and that is a very unhealthy thing. You need some feelings. Only correct ones.
And also there's Lexy, Lexy oh Lexy. My dear fairy friend. You see, that wasn't the end of the patchwork world. It was just the beginning.

And there is another story, as I am still young and exploration is one great subject. Yet, I wish to sleep now. Goodnight (:

If there is just one thing that I could present across to you, that would be the statement that "conformity does not equate to
Intelligence".

When I was young, I recall an episode where the teacher asked us all to raise our hands, to gather who would pick "love" or "bread". Surprisingly, everyone chose "bread", when te answer could have been none at all or even both. There is also one thing that I have learnt, that is if one is presented with only two choices, it does not mean that you have to conform. I choose none. Instead, I have chosen freedom of choice, but ironically it traps me at times. Rebelling is one characteristic that I realize predominates me, but that also kills
Many of us. Do unconventional acts make you happy sometimes? Perhaps. Many times, it is short-lived and there is no sense. At certain occasions, I just forget.

I wanna go up to the hills And be happy forever (: I love nature.

How do you intensify an emotion? The simple thing to do is to paint it deeper with a brush. When you wish to make it real amplified, you take that colour and multiply it a thousand times by strength and With precision. The thing is, over time, these paints Do fade due to the wearing out caused by time. 

But that's not what I wanna talk about now. This was something that I have written this afternoon during contemplation.

It is not good to be a wall.

Lena sat in the middle of concrete and plastered earth orange brick walls. Four walls. She was a little girl
With impeccable dress sense as her mother had taught her how to dress like a king when she was young. Hence, she could adopt the role of any immortal-like being, for a king was everything. Lena was so tired. She wanted to sleep. She just said whatever she wanted to and there was no link, just like this story she left behind, same like Jane. They were all very sad creatures who had no happiness at all. They sometimes had emotions like cheeriness, just like me, but these emotions were short-lived and they couldn't last very long as Lena lived inside a DAMN brick wall. Lena was very sad and she wanted to sleep forever like the silly Sleeping Beauty in those stories she hated, but it didn't make sense because she was taught to dress like a king. Due to her upbringing, she must be expected to not ridicule those ludicrous tales. Lena is so tired now. She was taught not to use the hammer to knock down those walls as her mum reminded her of how she was cruelly attacked when she was young and climbed out of the walls. Four walls surround her now, and I saw the happiness cloud floating by, for I am Lena. It rained and I was happy, because I felt the emotions from these clouds. Yet, soon they left me as water evaporates and so does gladness and joy. Lena was devastated, and so was I, for we were one. "Lena, Lena, where are you?" the cloud screamed in vain but it is a known fact that clouds have no voice, and hence cannot speak. I want my happiness cloud, please don't go away. But that's only now, tomorrow I won't want it anymore as the four walls protect us and clouds can drift away. Better to be happy, and you will be yeah. It's a natter of choice. (:

Imagine if Lexy was a patchwork of strikingly colourful cloth with the brightest arrays of colours in the universe, everyone would turn to him whenever they needed any help and cut a little bit of cloth, and Lexy would become bit by bit, just a scrap of indistinguishable cloth. Lexy was very artistic and Lexy is not me, but a fairy that I have known. Lexy appeared to be bipolar, but I know that he was just a result of all that he had gone through. Everyone turned to Lexy for help

Because he was the patchwork of the universe, and he was an accumulation of past experiences. Lexy loaned me a bit of his cloth to wipe my tears when I was sad, but Lexy never gave me an any bit of cloth for the longest time. He would teach me and loan me different Colours of his patchwork, which symbolized the different parts of his experience. Each colour encapsulated the meanings of life and how to deal with people, but he never gave it to me because I never understood him and he never really understood me. Being the head of the patchwork world, he had to sew up new pieces of cloth to his bedsheet body, and he grew so big that he thought he could do anything. Yet, these pieces of cloth fell off so easily because Lexy used bad strings. He would employ the secondhand strings of dead silkworms and they could be so deceivingly beautiful, for silkworms were known for the stunning cloth they could create, only when used correctly. Lexy, Mr Patchwork, was the epitome of perfection. Lexy was Mr and Ms Patchwork, for he could be anything and he was anything he wanted to be. He could even be an it. Lexy, with his perfect patchwork and of incredulity, always took his pieces of cloth for granted. Sometimes when people who needed help tried to cut his cloth away, he forgot to use better quality string. There was this type of string named steeling, and it was so strong that no one could spoil any form of patchwork if that string was used. Lexy always forgot to purchase this string because he already had the secondhand silkworms, but the silkworms were so overused. The new little bits of patchworks often fell away because the Ghosts of the silkworms would bite and gnaw on the sewings. The old patchworks were most demanded for, and many people tried to pull them away, but they didn't budge much when aliens attacked because they loved Lexy and the patchwork world when they had first joined his community of cloth to avoid the aliens. You see, cloth can create warmth, and little bits of cloth alone can do nothing, but when sewn together and constructed into a community, these little cloth could do wonders. Sometimes, these cloth that made up Lexy were a good blanket that engulfed me. They covered us up and kept me so warm, but then I ran out of the cloth for no one knows nor dares explore what will happen after I totally get surrounded by the cloth. Lexy used the cloth to cover his deeds, and used the cloth for warmth. Angel then took a pair of scissors and cut bits of the beautiful patchwork and some old pieces and many new pieces fell away. Angel was neutral, and Angel was no angel at all. She just happened to have a positive name.

Patchworks can create warmth, yet patchworks highlight mere imperfection of little bits and cover ups. One day, there was a thunderstorm and it struck a humongous hole in Lexy's body. The ghosts of silkworms further gnawed on him and Lexy's remaining patchworks were half hanging. They wanted to hang on but they were falling, further and further. "Steelings! We need Steelings!" they chanted, but this was just a lie because patchwork cannot speak. How then can patchworks be happy? When Steelings are used, but how does Lexy know?

I wanna create my own book. (:

This is something Lexy has to learn.

I noticed something as I looked at the "x minutes ago" sign on Facebook when I refreshed the page- that actually, time flies away so fast. I then also remembered how I was always so uptight about time in the past. I used to treasure every single standing moment, and even studied while queuing up for food. I would never, honestly, queue for more than five seconds. I would get annoyed because they were wasting my time and If there was a queue, I would disappear first. Then, why are standards different now? Time is really so precious and eight months have slipped past just like that. I let unimportant things take up my time even when I did not enjoy it. Perhaps the first few months had more of a conscious alert mind where I took notice of how my time was spent, but then I grew complacent. The root of the problem is a lack of discipline and the solution itself is discipline. I remember how I used to run every night because of discipline and how I never ate fried food because of discipline. Then, when I started to allow myself to miss a running session and allow some unclean food to touch my lips, the art of discipline broke away from me. We cannot allow standards to fall below what they are. We must always remember where our success stemmed from. That is the reason why I have not utilized my time to the fullest.

On another note, I love stories and I simply adore writing. I have reiterated it a million times. I can never describe how much I love writing. I would love to talk to no one at all and just sit somewhere all day, because I dislike negative noise. I love to compose lyrical pieces of dancing words that fly around and are swift to complement fanciful ideas. I love to be so flightful (haha my own word) sometimes, but at times I am extreme and I become so serious. I like to think that writers are queer and oddballs sometimes, and the word "oddball" makes me laugh. It paints a picture of peculiarity and fullness of it, just like an oversized globe that utterly expands and invades every personal space of yours. In short, oddness can kill you but yet, it can satisfy your hunger. Human beings are so strange sometimes. They can die of oddness, and yet they can bloom when they are different. They can employ and ride on the wave of creativity when they are "Oddballs", yet on the other hand, sometimes, they end up drowning and losing their lives because they forgot how to swim. They forgot that just like everyone else, they could learn to swim and conquer the huge waves of excitement and anger, and that they are just like anybody else. How strange.

There once was a girl named Jane, and she was a very common girl. Her name was Jane and it was a common name, and because of her commonness, she grew very sad. Jane was never happy because Jane was just a girl, and as a girl, all she did was to sew little names on the hankerchiefs of the well-groomed males in her era. All she did everyday was to entertain pleadings of hunger and chants for the need of attendance to these deprived fellows. Jane was never happy, because she was made to conform to societal norms.

However, one day, Jane decided that she was no longer to be bound by these norms. She did so many things and she was so tired that she told me not to say it, but I want to tell you that Jane did the most radical things. She went crazy and she did all the things you would not have imagined, but still, she wasn't happy. She then realized that everything was just vanity. It is best to just be happy.

I am tired of writing. I especially love the annoying repetition of the name "Jane". The intention is to make it childlike, and to be honest with you, merely to simplify whatever we all go through. Honestly, everything in life is so simple to understand. Can everyone just chill and be happy?I have heard of so many less than cheery events. Let us all just change our perspective to a happy one yeah. Learn to distance yourself sometimes, in difficult situations, and it really helps. (:

Imagine if every person who entered into your life and left took a scrap of your meat away, you'd be just a pile of bones. Yet imagine if every person who entered your life and left Added flesh to your meat, you'd be full and fleshy. The truth is, the way I perceive things can change in a split second and reverse itself again. Too much is at stake, yet at stake is nothing if you are in control. What then can be done? I wanna give it a shot maybe, but I know what I else I have wanted all
Along. Also, I know what is at stake. Pain is scary! We all know many things in our lives, and have known Many things as well. What I wanna do
Just right now is to sleep and rest. (: one thing I love very much about my
Bed is that it gives me a sense of security and familiarity, and my charcoal pillow givesr
Warmth. What we need are familiar things, but what if we are faced with intrusion? How do
We react? I wanna be happy in different ways, but sometimes happy is just being
Content. Sometimes we block
Things off, but all we gotta do is let it down. (; it really depends on the circumstance. Remember that after all, a partially permeable wall is the best. (: I love writing so much. I miss my literature writings.

I basically love the art of composition. It keeps me sane and makes me feel alive whenever my spirits are down. Many times, we tend to forget that we were once good. We tend to not remember the fact that we were once that amazing and indescribable. Yet, strangely, it can be another way, where we tend to remember too much about past glories. It is all about the Perspective you choose to take. Your words can become meaningless words once you lose your value, and yet they could mean so much to you. Status means a lot to me, and that is by motivation. I found out through simple tests. Really true. Fight for your motivation, and feed yourself with only good fuel. I know it's tough and certain journeys may seem impossibly rocky, but do you know that rocks are actually great foundations? Perspective. (: good night.

The types of words you employ reveal a lot about your true personality. Is it not much better to be happier? There are so many things we all want, and so many things we desire for. What I really yearn for most is peace of mind.

Little things reveal A LOT about a person's true character. I have seen many little things, speculated but not judged, and it came through. It is true. Time does unravel many mysteries. People grow old, Time passes, and Memories fade away. Time heals Wounds, and wounds heal to form scars. Some lightening creams work better than others, and certain surgeries disfigure these wounds and completely reverse the damage. Time heals wounds, and time blurs hatred. What elements go through?

On another note, this not recent incident will always make me happy. There is a good reason for holding back, and rationality is most important. Protect. Imagined stories would make you happy, but when it happens will this happiness last?

I have been so afraid of happiness, because it slips away so easily. Haha, I love this phrase I saw in that book. Yet, it is because of this that I yearn for it so much. Indifference huh, haha.

The thing is, if you do not desire for anything material in life, what can really drive You?
Too many beings are being consumed by Worldly Lusts, Yet too many beings are being drenched in plain disgust for such vain things. Who then can truly be the one who succeeds. I have yearned for so many things yet nothing at all. There is nothing that can demand that great a desire. Yet, when that desire does surface, I suppress it with all might. I do not let anything overcome me, and I do not let this desire appear. For the fact is, when it is in fact allowed, you are so damn vulnerable. You become as weak as a barrel filled with a thousand holes and a barrel so hit by last night's storm. The storm of yesterdays. People come and go, like the leaves of yesterday. I remember this book I once read, all about sadness and its plain melancholy makes you so comfortable. Yet, what is true comfort? Can one relish in this joy forever? I love writing so much and being in my own world of pure composition, but then, what is composition after all? It is a mere creation. It is in fact created. It is not real. What then can be real?

It is all in your mind. It is created and COMPOSED IN YOUR MIND. You control it.
I once created a story of great sadness, and I once composed a story of great happiness. Who can be happy and sad forever? Yet, can one be sad and happy at the same time?
Life is a stage, and this damn stage is what YOU make of it. I can do many things, and yet I can do nothing at all. Why is it that at times, I would love for this stage to be amazing? I just wish to be happy like most people. I truly love just sitting there and running too fast until I cannot breathe and run across the vast fields. I LOVE NATURE, and yet ironically I love the most beautiful buildings. But yet sometimes I hate them so much. I abhor these buildings so much because it takes the life away from me. I would feel so unclean. I cannot take that. I feel so polluted and blemished when we are in fact supposed to be pure. What is pure? The question is, we can never really know anyone at all. We are all such scary creatures, but queer humans always interest us. They make us so damn curious that we all go insane in search for the true answer. The true answer will never be known, honestly. Go on, this is the question.

I can feel so much, really, and yet the next moment I can feel nothing at all. You know, I used to love reading my posts to myself, but now I don't dare to because I know the pain that I will feel. Haha. It is so scary. I know the messages embedded in each of the posts in the stories I compose. Let us all be safe yeah. No one can harm us.

I was looking through my old modeling pictures and I realized that I do still love it a lot. The thing is, sometimes, by glancing through things you once loved, you would develop a sense of familiarity and comfort from it. The truth is, do you really want it? Actually I do. I recall when I first started in my current job, I knew the opportunity cost I had, and hence I went all out for my job and made sure I highrolled Every Single Day. It is so true. And now, I have chosen to put aside studying, and I must make this work. Come on, YiLing! (:

It is so strange, because I am so different now. I still enjoying writing, and I LOVE composing articles as well as creating stories. However, the things that I enjoy may very well be different. The things that I used to be afraid of have no effect on me anymore, but yet the things that I used to love, I am afraid of it. Happiness is like the wind, so easily blown away. Yet, the wind is again controlled by other elements and the wall blocks the wind. When the wind comes, we shall all be washed away. What if the wind blows us in another direction? That signals new hope.

It has been long since Jaime walked past those forlorn trees that swayed crookedly in the light breeze. Strange, how she was so afraid. Before that incident happened to her, she was never this sad. I must do this, I can overcome. She thought to herself. Each brave step she took seemed like a deep pound on her weak heart. Its rapid palpitations made her feel like she was going to die. The light rustling of the leaves. She remembered that night. That wicked face which tore her of all her protection and stripped her of all dignity. Shreds of light, chiffon whiteness that got stained with evil intentions. She remembered herself screaming, but no voice came out. Why, why me. Why am I subject to such pain. It was her favourite dress, and that wicked stranger tore it off so violently that she had no say. With each step she took, Jaime sobbed, and then it got worse and she screamed violently. Each rustle on each leaf were deep, CRUEL stabs on her tainted flesh. Will I ever be happy again. How can I be genuinely happy anymore.

Jaime finished the trail. It is now over, I will be safe. I will always be safe. I will always protect myself.

Shards of glass piercing your face,
as you attempt to comprehend the clear message it brings.
"I don't understand anything. My classmates keep telling me, but
Teacher, can you please tell me why?"

"Yes Darling, sweetie Anabella, Teacher loves you.
When you add one plus one, you get two.
When I give you an apple and you slice it into two,
there is one for you as well as one for me.
But the thing is, Anabella, are you willing to share it with me?"

"But teacher, I don't understand.
Why do I have to give you my apple?
I don't like apples."

"Anabella, apples are the only food that I'll give you.
You take it or leave it."

"CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHY? CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME.
BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND."
Shards of glass piercing my face,
as I break down in agony.

I love lit, how ironic.
I love how we can analyze every subject and come up with such different interpretations.
Perhaps the message is clear.

My friend just spoke to me about the topic of dehumanizing oneself. (Hi buddy, you know who you are. (: ) Yes, that is in fact my coping mechanism. I shouldn't let such things happen to me again. This time I did stop it, but yes, it's much better and can be much better. I really have to learn. My mind was somewhere else and not even concerned, which is really scary. That is how I cope, but many of us can avoid being in such a situation.

Actually, I did go through much self development for the past months and they have taught me so much. I need to learn so much more though. I really miss running so much. It is really terrifying as to how one can get so used to not running anymore. I have to be more than that. It applies to every aspect. You are not an object, especially a sexual one. You are human. Yes, every girl out there, know that you have your rights.

It has been ages since I last posted anything on this page. In the past months, I have gotten amazing opportunities to go overseas to work, learn and experience a whole new life in Hong Kong especially. Visited Guang Zhou, Shen Zhen and KL as well! :D

If you want a great job, tell me! ((:

I have learnt a lot and I am extremely thankful for the opportunity to join Appco! :D and T.O.P Marketing! There are so many things in life that cannot be learnt elsewhere. Things such as being a good team player, placing others before yourself, things that I have never perhaps considered to be too important once. Haha, just feel like posting something here. Work is not even work, it feels like life. I really wanna succeed in this field and I know that there is a reason, a reason why I have come across this line through my personal friend. There is a purpose why God has allowed me to come to this field instead of carrying on with my original plan. Things that once mattered slowly lost their value, and when I look back, I realize that the importance and the value placed in something only matters depending on the circumstance.

Today is the day I feel that I have really understood what they have always taught me. I feel myself really understanding it.

I see myself growing so much more. I love you guys man.

Anyway, it's running time! Hahaha. Need to get back on track with running. What a pun hahaha.
You know, age does not matter, but the experiences that shape you does.

Cheers.

There are so many things to be thankful for, and there are also countless things to go away from.
I know I should stay on track, (RUN, RUN, RUN!!!!) and that is definitely what I want to do. I HAVE TO. YOU WANT IT. I dare to admit that sometimes, things like boring butterflies or nicely wrapped up presents I see in the distance does draw me away. Blah, in that contemplative mood again. NONO, Haha I shall turn on the bubbly mode now. Must pray and remember that God is in control. Just to share, Philippians 4: 6-7 really helped me through a lot.

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Remember, pause. Remember to pray. Just pray. If you feel troubled now, just pray to Him. Often times, it is because we fail to pray. Bad things can happen to us but we have to move forward. Pray, and this peace will infiltrate you and fill you with this indescribable happiness.

It is a wonderful day! I shall be positive and open to new things. Yes, I know He (God) gives me gladness, but I am so afraid of earthly happiness, just like Antoinette. Not the spiritual kind, but the kind that you draw from others. I am so afraid of happiness because of the fear that I will lose it. Yet, I want happiness at times. I know that facts are facts, and it is the emotion I choose to attach to it that makes a difference. I feel that I cannot, and must never let my guard down though. Still, I can enjoy the happiness. Yet, at times I don't want it. Now, I want that though. Lit makes you crazy at times. Haha. Therefore, even when playing the part, I can put nothing. However at times, I forget and put emotions. No, emotions are only good when they are positive. Only positive, or block off. Haha, I am a switch, you know. And I have an imaginary shield. Haha, anyway, I gotta conquer greater distances later! You can do it, alright! Gotta grab a bit of sleep for a while.

I did plank/bridge for 6mins! Haha damn good you know. Not easy. Own guys again yay. I wanna join NS for a month. Too bad I can't. Putting your goals online, as said by my mentor, (I learnt it online, alright. Haha. My awesome coach that I will never know.) really motivates you. I CAN DO IT. By the way, Bicycle crunch is awesome. Learnt it from my friend. Go google it.

Really enjoy my new job. Zeal is awesome! :D Great company, great people. LOVE IT! THANKS GUYS! Really looking forward to know everyone better. This is such a unique group of people we're talking about. There's this certain kind of love everyone possesses towards each other, and that is so attractive! It attracts me to the company. (: Glad I can get to spend more time with my awesome gal pal by working with her too.

You can do it. You want it. You can do it. You do it, for you ONLY. You can do anything. Go run.

Covered great distance today. Like 15K and many vaults haha damn happy. Did so by running to the Home to visit and then back. Found out about the hospitalization of one and the passing of another. On the way there, I attempted many different paths in order to find it as I have never run there before.

Realized that the exploration brought me to many different paths that never led me there and brought me instead to extremely beautiful places but DEAD ENDS. Haha, sorry for being all lit-yish again but I was in that contemplative mood and realized that indeed, certain beautiful things which captivate me may actually come to naught. And then there were the long steps up, and it led to this extremely beautiful place, but then there were fences and it was dark and then I had to turn around. Going downhill, I realized how easy it was to just tumble down all the way, and then I remembered why I had been so determined previously. It is so darn hard to climb all the way up IN LIFE, yet so darn easy to just fall all the way and it was so swift it is unimaginable.

When I got harmed that dampened my brain's chemistry, I did go down a lot. I AM BACK ON TRACK. I cannot change facts but I can change my emotions towards it. I can do it. I can do it. YES YOU CAN. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU ARE STRONG. That is why I have to train, to protect myself. I have to.

It is so beautiful at night. It is so wonderful just to jump around and smile at random strangers or laugh to yourself. Just laugh. Just enjoy the cool breeze and the imaginary silence because nothing is that silent. I wanna do the new sport really well. Keep going. Read my old posts and saw how I wished to portray myself as an extremely happy person. Hahaha. Continue running, YL. Okay, I am happy now. Yay! (: You know, I think I am really weird sometimes, like I have a split personality. I can be really serious at times and then really random and funny. Haha okay gotta go train more goodnight.

OH YES and I did PLANK/BRIDGE FOR 5MINS 30SECS last night LOL. It is not easy man. Haha sorry just gotta post it here to encourage mez more to do more. I own guys manz. This is what nightly training gives you. GO NS PALZ. I AM GOING TO DO MORE. Haha I shall google it like yeah manz. I am a boy at heart. Okay bye.