"Yes, now I remember"

I thought she said it was over.
Over means to be on top of,
to be past something.

Yet she views you from behind.
What familiarity, yet so
Foreign, like a decayed leaf on the ground,
disconnected from the branch, and the tree-
its source of life.

It's not the same.
It has been chemically modified, and we know
that according to its law, it cannot be altered.
It cannot.

I thought she said it was over.
Yes, now I remember.

I keep deleting what I type here. It's like your mind has this coffee bag filter or something.
I think.

The A's are approaching.
I constantly tell myself that and I feel really stressed but I'm gonna relax. Take a step at a time.
Should be studying now. I feel perpetually tired. I think it is the stress. I sleep really early.

I wish I could do more to help.
If only I had the capabilities.
And if only I had the time.

I dreamt that I was in a game sorta battle in mid-air at least sixty stories up.
There were those orange and dark blue tubes and I was gonna fall off already.
They were going to crush me or something. And I saw a giant Oreo. Haha!
Must have watched "American Gladiator" too much.
Spend your time wisely!
Haha.

It's the time of the month where I feel extremely moody again and then question the existence of life.
I have to keep reminding myself that it is merely the result of hormones in your body.
Darn it! (: Smile manz.

Was singing karaoke at the top of my voice. Poor neighbours.
I am happy!
The park exploration with my friend was good. It really made me unwind. Visited Mama after that. I wish I could spend more time with her. I wish she would smile more. I think she thinks I am silly. Haha. Perhaps I try to hard to make amends. I constantly remind myself that it could be the last time I am seeing her and so I tell them I love them every time. They should think I am nuts. I don't even do that to my parents.

Ever since my mum's mother departed from this Earth, I told myself I had to love the remaining grandparents more. I used to cry in the middle of the night in bed to make myself feel remorse. I am thankful that she accepted Christ before she died though. I was in YF camp that year in Sec 1. I was this stupid little kid who thought it was a waste of time to visit her since she could not even open her eyes to see me. Or I just did not want to remember a bad image of her. I remembr she taught me how to fold a paper crane. I knew she was dying then. I miss her. Oh man. I should stop thinking of sad things. No one is as sad as her daughter though. I know why.

But it's over! Life goes on and she's blissfully in heaven. I know with assurance that I will see her there when I go there. I have been a bad girl though. I have many transgressions that I feel ashamed of. But I have prayed that I will forgive myself, and I have. Hope others can forgive me too.
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Oh yeah.

People always judge the pictures and things.
They do not know what I have to go through.
Wish they wouldn't be so close-minded. Come on, it's the new century!
I just gotta deal with it man.
Admit some pics were ugly though hahaha.

I wanna make friends and not foes. It isn't a nice feeling.

Everyday is a new day. (:
Live on of Him.

Last year in AJ.
Currently not used to studying so often and attempting to do some work everyday.
Hols were great.
Open house was pretty interesting.
More people than I imagined came.

Glad I got to talk to some people again.
I really like the feeling of having light conversations and forgetting past faults.

YF camp last year, or in fact, a few weeks ago was extremely encouraging.
It made me realise that I have been committing many acts that were not glorifying at all.
Pictures. Stuff. Character.
Gonna change that a step at a time.

I learnt that God is truly the one that extends to us the joy of happiness.
I am no longer happy doing stuff I did before like that worldly part time thing.
I'm not glad anymore, just doing.
There is lack of joy.
It feels very horrid, like I am just doing it merely to do it.
And I get unhappy when I brood over certain matters that I did wrong in the past, attempting to forgive myself for the events I allowed myself to be exposed to when I could have not taken part in, and then telling myself it is long over, and then feeling sad once in a while.

Geeeeeez. It's a happy day! Balloons for Interact, made special ones for Vaish and Chuanie. (: Hahahaa.

Home pretty early. Legs sore from walking.
Gonna do work.

This is mainly for girls and also for guys.
Haha it's not a nice topic and I don't know who reads my blog anymore but yeah.
Sorry, I just need to vent it out so if you don't like reading about this, please ignore it.

Just saw a link about molest! Go and see it.
It really helps you to psychologically prepare and PROTECT YOURSELF.
Keep something in your bag that can fend off attackers but won't get you into trouble.

When I was in primary and secondary school, I encountered a lot of cases including myself being the victim and also my friends being victims. The predator always gets away with it because we dare not say something about it. They just always got away!

AND. They can be anyone. There was once when a group of teenage boys who attacked me at Hougang Mall in early Sec Three.

There was even a worker at the petrol kiosk station in Malaysia. And Disneyland, with his kid there. It's not safe at all anywhere. Some were even like in their twenties? There is no stereotype. You girls should keep pepperspray in your bag.

Then I kept playing it in my mind for days and blaming myself all the time for it. Then I tried to sleep so I would forget it. I wish I could always have done something about it. It's so bad that up till now, I am still very paranoid everywhere I go and keep a distance from men in public places.

And I regret not being able to help my friends too when I actually SEE it happening. I even witnessed it being done to other women and I did not help on at least three occasions. I regret it terribly now. Therefore, protect yourself! Always watch your back and beware when someone swings his hand too close.

I was on the way to church and this foreign man was swinging his hand towards me and I jumped away and glared at him and prevented it. It happened at the MRT station. Please be careful girls! And remember, speak up immediately!

But yeah, I try to forgive them after a while because I always just got angry about it and I never felt good. Prevention is better than cure though!